Concern for the safety of our kids is at an all time high. We worry about something happening to them that might hurt them. In order to prevent these “happenings” from…happening, we work to make our kids activities very ‘safe’. A possible result of this protectiveness is that we are raising more fearful kids.
I turned on the vacuum cleaner this morning while my daughter lay on the floor across the room. Her immediate reaction was…<scared face>! She thought about crying for a moment, while I reassured her that it was only noise. My initial thought was to turn the vacuum off and to make sure that she wasn’t afraid. Then I thought about what would happen if every time I turned on the vacuum, she cried and I didn’t vacuum. (Let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be too much different than now since the vacuum doesn’t get a ton of use) But I wouldn’t be able to vacuum when she was awake or then when she was asleep since it would wake her up. And eventually, I’d sell my vacuum and live in a dirty house. It’s not so important that I begin to work through her fears right this minute, but the longer that ‘irrational’ fears go unchallenged, the more cemented they become.
For example, I know a young man who used to be screamingly terrified of hand dryers in public bathrooms. At one point he would have rather wet himself than even enter a bathroom that had one. Because his fear had been left unchecked (and even encouraged), it became bigger and bigger until it became a problem for him to use a public bathroom. Uh oh. My fear eventually became that we’d find a hand dryer somewhere and a scene would ensue. Trying to control his environment so that he would not have to eventually face his fear only lead to more fear. The first few times that I warned him and then used the dryer myself, I just had to live with the echoing bathroomy screams that followed. But we practiced it often enough that eventually he became a bit more comfortable with them and at least wouldn’t run yelling from the bathroom if he saw one.
The general thinking is that if kids are afraid of something, they don’t need to do it. Depending on the circumstance, this can, of course, be true. If your child isn’t ready to jump off of the diving board at the swimming pool, that’s ok. Encourage them to jump from the deck into the pool first. Just as we eventually take their training wheels off of their bikes, helping them to face their fears, not avoid them indefinitely is a sign of maturity and growth- for both them and us!
If we let fear become the narrative and encourage it in our children by worriedly narrating their play with “Careful!” and “Watch out!” and “Ahhh! You fell down!”, we will be setting the stage for some entrenched fears and problem-causing scenarios.
We have to face our fears for them while they face their own fears.
I’ll never forget the day that hand dryers ceased to be the enemy. He was proud and so was I. Together we faced our fears.
From the Land of Pleasant Parenting 