Everyone knows the adage “It takes a village to raise a child.”

Generally speaking, Americans value the influence and support of extended families, religious communities and peer groups in the raising of our kids. But even in the best of cases, we can see the opinions and actions of these others as meddlesome and “incorrect” for our own kids. We have our own thoughts, views and sometimes even philosophies of child-rearing. And views that don’t jive with our own can make us defensive and disinterested. Parenting our own children has become a pretty private affair. After all, who are you to tell me how to parent? It’s nobody else’s business how we run things at our house. Our individual choices and our “best fit” philosophies have won the day in our modern parenting movement. We encourage individuality and specialness in our kids and we sew those seeds early on by parenting them in our own individual ways.

In contrast, in her book Bringing Up Bebe, Sharon Druckerman recounts many conversations with Parisian parents who seem to have very similar ideas on how to raise their children. Almost all of these anecdotes include parents unapologetically saying that they are the bosses in their houses. They also tend to agree that guilt doesn’t have a very useful place in parenting (wha?!!). The same is true of Christine Gross-Loh’s research for her book Parenting Without Borders. When her family lived in Japan, there was a general societal expectation in their community that young kids should run errands for their parents. Everyone agreed on this and therefore watched out for children who were out by themselves, but also respected their ability to be safe on their own.

We don’t seem to have too many agreed upon ways of dealing with our kids collectively anymore. And our individual opinions are often indelible.

“I think that saying ‘no’ to my child is going to stunt them in the long run.”

“I think that letting my child decide when she’s ready for bed is a good way to teach her autonomy.”

“I don’t want to indulge my kids or spoil them, so I say ‘no’ to them all the time.”

“I’m the one who decides what they eat, when they sleep and who they can play with.”

“I think that holding my baby almost all of the time is the best way for them to feel secure and loved.”

“I let my child cry themselves to sleep.”

With all of these differing opinions, it’s easy to see why parents might feel isolated or left out (the bad side of “privacy”). Lacking support and feedback on our parenting can lead us into well-worn and ineffective ruts. When we are defensive and isolated about our “right” ways of doing things, we cut off access to most outside support. Plus, policing our kids’ lives so that the things that they learn and the people with whom they come in contact fit with our parental philosophies is exhausting. We have to find the right school, the right activity, the right social group, the right words and tone of voice. Phew.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I think that I have everything figured out and that nothing will flummox me as a parent. (Ha!) And because I often think that I know what’s “best,” I’m skeptical of hearing others’ thoughts. Giving advice is tricky and getting it is often unwelcome. I’m not advocating that we dish out our best nuggets of knowledge to every harried parent that we meet or brag about our own smooth sailing. I am simply suggesting that we think again of that imaginary village where everyone is purported to be raising each child. I have to trust others in my community to have mine and my child’s best interest at heart whether we agree on how long breastfeeding should go on or what education philosophy is best for kids. Finding common ground and building from there is our best hope to get and receive support in the little villages that we each live in.

Parenting doesn’t have to be such a private thing if we don’t want it to be.