Author: katierobinson

The second trimester has begun. And with it comes a loosened tongue.

As somebody who has been pregnant (twice now), let me tell you why I’m not a huge fan of the very normal “wait 3 months until you tell anybody” shtick we’ve got going here in the U.S.

#1 Trying to either hide a) the fact that you always feel like shit or b) the reason why you always feel like shit is a real bummer. Yes folks should be conscious of pregnant women when they’re about ready to pop, but we need sympathy and understanding even when we don’t look pregnant. In fact, I think that’s when we need it the most…when we’re not supposed to let anyone know that we need it. We should just smile through the taste of bile at the backs of our throats, yes? Blech.

I want folks to know that there’s a reason that I’m grumpy. There’s a reason that I’ve got to nap instead of talk to you. There’s a reason that I don’t want to go out to eat with you. It’s not you. It’s food!

#2 Even if you do feel like shit, it’s for a happy reason! Instead of hiding our lights under bushels, wouldn’t it be nice to let the good news out? Instead of as an apology for our anti-social behavior for the past 3 months? It’s something to be glad about and having to hide it makes it feel clandestine. Yes, it’s an open admission to having had sex, but it’s also going to be another member of your family! Glad tidings!

#3 Miscarriages. Nothing to be glib about. But if a miscarriage takes place, it is not as a result of a failing on the part of the woman. I can’t imagine having to keep a pregnancy a secret and then having to keep the loss of that pregnancy a secret as well. By hiding miscarriages in the shadows, we don’t acknowledge that anywhere from 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. It makes it harder for folks struggling with this sadness to find other folks who understand what they’re going through. I have only known about others’ miscarriages well after the fact- after they had time to deal with their feelings themselves. And I’m not saying that they should have been more transparent or that I would have been a great help in easing their suffering, but who knows what support I and others could have offered had we known when it happened.

If I miscarry, I will be sad. Very sad. And I don’t want to have to hide those feelings under that bushel either. By making it so taboo to talk about, we cut ourselves off from being able to express how we really feel.

#4 Women have been hushed up enough about our bodies. We needn’t have men in political arenas deciding what should and should not be talked about, what is and is not “shameful” and who has control over our reproductive organs and our mouths. Yes, maybe it’s a stretch to say that telling people you’re pregnant in the first trimester is a way to stand up to “the man.” But maybe it’s not. If we all walked around freely talking about our periods, our vaginas, our uteri (yes that is the plural of uterus- I looked it up) and our unborn babies, maybe we could dominate the conversation instead of some white haired men.

What do you think? Shall we take back the taboo?

A tragedy has occurred in Baltimore. One among many. But that tragedy is not the destruction of property or the loss of a business’s income. That tragedy is the death of a young black man at the hands of people who were meant to protect him.

Many Baltimore area schools are closed today, so there are plenty of kids who have free time to wonder at the events going on in their own neighborhoods and in neighborhoods that they’ve never heard of or visited before. But the conversations that grown-ups around the city are having with all of these kids will most likely be completely different based on the color of their skin and the locations of their lives.

But we all need to be honest with our kids and tell them that the country that they live in (and the system that they live under) doesn’t represent all people the same. It doesn’t serve all people the same. In fact, it does a disservice to many of the people (kids included) who, again, it is meant to help.

When I was a child, I was never told that by virtue of my skin color and middle class birth, I was born into privilege. I just thought it was life. I thought practically everybody lived in places with trees and regular trash pick ups and good enough schools and no abandoned houses and safe streets and friendly neighbors. I thought that police officers were helpful and I was taught at an early age that they were people I should go to if I was ever lost or in need of aid.

Now that I have seen a little more of the world, I realize that my general education and my self-education were incomplete back then (and I daresay, they both continue to be). This is an omission that I don’t wish to repeat for my own children. Yes, we want to teach kids that everyone is a person and should be valued as such. But we also need to let them know that not everyone in our country really believes that. That some folks, deep down, think that my white child has more value than a child with darker skin.

Racism is not a thing of the past. Racism is not a word that should be omitted from talks with our kids. Racism is a reality. Economic inequality is a reality. Humans being devalued for very little reason is a reality. Police brutality is a reality. Many of our kids already know this because they experience it on a regular basis. But there are many who are like me when I was growing up- blissfully ignorant that I didn’t actually live in the land of equality and freedom for all.

Even if all kids aren’t treated the same, they all deserve to know the truth.

We have started frequenting an off the leash dog park in our neighborhood since the weather has gotten warmer. I still don’t have a dog and am not shopping for one at the park. My daughter and I simply go to have some room to run around and maybe meet some four-legged friends. As I watched her stand amidst the frolicking (and “free-range”) pups the other day, I wondered how I let her off her leash on a regular day.

I thought of a few ways that I practice giving her greater freedom and will continue to try and think of more as she grows.

#1 Trusting her not to go into the street on her own.

Yes, my daughter is only 18 months old, but for her, that’s old enough to know that the street is a place she can only walk while holding someone’s hand. This trust is repaid 9 out of 10 times, so I continue to have to be vigilant (obviously). But by remaining quiet just a moment beyond what I find comfortable as she approaches the curb, I am often delighted to see her stop, turn back and hold out her hand to me. If I yelped when I actually wanted to (which is like 15 feet before the street), she’d never have proven to me just how capable she is of remembering the seriousness of streets. By letting her off leash in this way, I have found an ally in keeping her safe- Her!

#2 Walking on her own.

This one goes along with #1, but it doesn’t just have to mean the sidewalk. I *try* to let her walk in the grocery store, around the art museum, up and down stairs on her own as much as I can. Sometimes it drives me crazy and she just gets scooped up so that I can keep a handle on her, but often times I find how curious, sociable and capable she is without me holding her hand.

When I am the one leading the way, I am setting the agenda and proclaiming that I’m in charge- that I’m the only one who can be trusted to navigate both of our bodies. I find that when my daughter is led, she gets worse at walking. She gives over all of her responsibility to care for herself and expects me not to let her trip or hit her head or lead her astray. She is no longer paying attention to doing that herself. As soon as I drop her hand and let her go, she takes all of that responsibility back. It’s amazing how quick the transition occurs.

#3 Sitting in her chair without restraint.

We have a highchair without a tray or element that holds one in while sitting in it. It simply has some carseat-esque straps that hold kids in place. While those were handy when she was a wee one who might fall out of this precarious perch, she is now perfectly able to sit on her own, so we’ve opted to use the straps very limitedly. Just as with walking, when she was strapped in, she would slouch to one side and rely on the straps to keep her upright. She was giving them the job of controlling her body. But now, she has to scoot herself back up if she slouches down too far. She has to save herself from falling or being unable to reach her food. This one is as close to getting ‘off leash’ as you can get.

So I’ll continue to let her play with the dogs and learn from them and get knocked down by them and get licked by them. And I’ll continue to exercise my trust muscle and let her navigate her small world more and more on her own. It’s just as much an exercise for me as it is for her.

While I think that American parenting has become more private over the last generation or two, I have found lately that I tend to be my best parenting self when I’m doing so in public! 

Yesterday morning, during breakfast at home, my daughter spilled her cup of water (some might say she did so with a mischievous glint in her eye). I immediately got blustery, gruff and pushed her chair roughly away from the table so that she couldn’t paint with the spilled water. I said some stern words and tapped the back of her hand to make my point.

Yesterday afternoon, during lunch at a cafe, my daughter spilled her cup of water. I immediately righted the cup and said, “Uh oh.” There were no stern words. There was no quick push away from the table. I simply said that she was too fast for me and then I proceeded to clean the spill. She was much wetter than she’d been at home and I didn’t have anything for her to change into, so she stayed wet for the next hour or so. All-in-all, the “damage” was worse while we were out and yet, I found myself to be more patient, understanding and even amused when we were in full view of other people.

What is that about?

Am I putting on a show? “Look at me! So good at keeping my cool!!!!!!”

Am I too cognizant of what others will think of me as they watch (or more likely ignore) my reactions to my daughter’s behavior?

Shouldn’t I just be more patient and understanding when no one is around?

I’d like to give myself the benefit of the doubt here and say that both my daughter and I behave better when we’re in public. There are more eyes upon us but also, there are more things for us to look at and focus on too. We’re not just staring at each other’s faces all day long. We can change scenery and our interactions with others by being out and about. And when I’m out with her, I usually am more focused on her too! I’m not doing 5 or 6 things like I might be attempting at home (like trying not to let little fingers touch the computer keyboard!). I’m eating my own lunch and spending time with my kid. She receives more positive attention from me, which tends to turn her into her best self (barring extenuating circumstances of course). Crazy!

So, shall I eat, drink and live in the public eye? My true calling is to be an overblown celebrity so that I can be the best parent possible?!

It certainly is nice to retreat home and not be concerned what any other person’s thoughts or opinions are of “the job I’m doing,” but I do appreciate the ambient atmosphere of a people-filled restaurant for helping me tap into my reservoirs of patience and humor. Thanks to all those people who don’t really care how or what I’m saying to my kid. You help me be a little better at this on a daily basis.

I don’t have a dog. In fact, I have never had one. Probably makes me very ill-qualified to compare dogs and kids. And yet, when has that ever stopped me?

We had a dog visit us over the weekend. Her owners are friends of ours and they accompanied her (or she accompanied them?) to our house for some hanging out on Saturday. She is a very sweet dog who didn’t mind if our daughter was a little shrieky or wanted to pet her. She did mind our cat though…and our hardwood floors.

While I’m sure that there are folks out there who would vehemently claim the opposite (that kids are far more challenging than dogs), let me just offer these points to support my thesis.

#1 Bathroom stuff

Someday I will have to worry about house training my kid, but for right now, diapers are the sh*t. Not that I’m the champion of neglectful parenting (well…maybe?), but if for some reason, I couldn’t change my kid’s diaper for like 12 hours (as happens at night), she’d live! And I (most likely) wouldn’t have pee or poop on my floor. Sure she’d be uncomfortable and I’m not saying I recommend it, but it would be ok. If you don’t take your dog out for 12 hours, you’re bound to have a mess on your hands. This means going outside very early, staying up late, coming home from work during lunch to let them out, paying someone to come let take your dog out for a wee. Ahh!

#2 They come with their own neuroses

If you adopt one of the nearly 4 million dogs available through shelters in the U.S., you are most likely getting a dog that has an already formed personality and a past. This is not a bad thing. It just means that, unlike with your kids, you have not been able to help your dog form neuroses that you yourself share with them. We (try to) make our kids in our own image. If we have an irrational fear of the color pink (a real thing!), we can pass that on to our kids (you’re welcome kids). Untrue with dogs. They come with their own baggage that we didn’t help create, so it’s harder for us to understand- plus the obvious language barriers between us.

#3 Most places are not dog friendly

My kid currently flies free on airplanes! Dogs that don’t fit under the seat have to fly in the cargo hold (unsafe!) & you have to pay extra for them. NOT DOG FRIENDLY!

My kid has been to bunches of restaurants and even some bars. They almost always have high chairs, but they have no dog seats. NOT DOG FRIENDLY!

I can change my kid’s diaper in any public restroom (even if I have to put the pad on the floor). I cannot instruct a dog to just poop on the floor of said restroom so that I can pick it up and throw it away. NOT DOG FRIENDLY!

As much as I dislike a kid’s menu, I have very rarely seen a dog menu or known a place that would make something for your dog (except the Square Cafe of course!) NOT DOG FRIENDLY!

Both kids and dogs can be cuddly and lovable and whirlwind-y and bitey and picky eaters and sweet and soft. But for now, I think having a kid is easier than having a dog. Kudos to those of you who have both!!