Having a newly minted 1-year old means that my daughter understands so much more of what I’m saying these days. She follows along when I’m singing her favorite songs or reading her a story. She can point out where the cat is now if I ask her. It’s pretty cool to watch. But this also means that she understands the concept of “no.”

I wrote about The Trouble with Saying ‘No’ a few years ago and there are plenty of resources to help you say no without actually saying it (Here’s one from Parents magazine). It still is wise to let kids know what they can do rather than just telling them what they can’t. But there are times when ‘No’ can stand on its own. (Just because I said so!)

My daughter is in the throes of her first brush with no. There are a few things around our house that are off limits and we have been setting up those invisible fences to keep her from hurting herself and/or eating cat food. In many cases, I want to teach her what she is allowed to touch and play with, but in some cases, I want that ‘No’ to be enough. I don’t want it to be based on me finding a toy to distract her. I don’t want it to have to be accompanied by her removal from the situation. I want her to be able to sit near the cat’s food bowl and NOT TOUCH IT. The cat deserves that at least after the havoc that has entered her life in the form of our kiddo.

So, how do I ensure that ‘no’ (or my more preferred “no-no noise” found below) is actually heeded?

Starting the “no” lesson means that I’ll have to be totally focused on her and totally committed to keeping her from, for instance, touching the cat food bowl. If I haven’t got 5-10 minutes to sit on the floor next to her, then now is not the time to teach her! Luckily, today I do, so let us begin!

Step 1:

She reaches for the cat bowl. I try my best not to let her touch it at all, pull her hand away and make my no-no noise. If she does touch it, that’s ok, but it will make the lesson longer, because she’s tasted a little bit of success.

Step 2:

Repeat step 1 like 49 times. Don’t get mad. Don’t talk too much. Don’t move her away. Don’t give her something else to play with. Just keep doing it.

Step 3:

If she gets frustrated and yells or swats a bit, don’t sweat it. That means you’re getting close! Don’t let her distract you with a little outburst because you’re only trying to teach her not to touch the cat bowl, not how to control her feelings of frustration. Save that lesson for every other day of her life.

Step 4:

Let her leave once she’s tired of being thwarted. Phew. You don’t have to hover around the cat food anymore…at least for now.

Step 5:

When you see her approaching the cat bowl again, get close enough so that you can move her hand back if you need to, but don’t right away. Just try using your voice at first. (Eh eh eh!)

Step 6:

Decrease your presence near the cat bowl as much as you can without letting her touch it. If you have to go back to steps 1 & 2 a few days in a row, do it! Putting in this work now will make future boundaries easier to put in place.

Step 7:

Sit back and watch as your kiddo no longer touches the cat bowl! Congratulate yourself with a pat on the back, a cookie or a beer!

Step 8:

Start the same lesson with the toilet!

Sometimes a simple lesson in “uh uh” can be the most effective way to teach a kid that “no means no”- and you mean no too! ‘No’ doesn’t have to be accompanied by a ‘yes!’ Sometimes the answer is just ‘no!’