Category: Praise

Praise and positivity toward children have emerged as wonderful alternatives to the stereotypical stern, spanking parenting style of a generation ago. I have touched on my use of praise in other posts & am a big proponent of the wonders that it can achieve, but as with every good thing, you can have too much of it.

In their book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish point out some of the pros and cautions of using praise with your kids. As many moms, dads and caregivers can tell you, being specific with your praise is an important component of using it successfully. The usual example of this is that we should not call a child “a good girl” for doing something that is asked of her. Even if we do not say the opposite term when she does not follow directions, the unspoken term “bad girl” might be heard louder than we think. So to combat this problem, Faber & Mazlish have established some guidelines for more effective praise.

First, the adult should describe, with appreciation what he or she sees or feels. “I can tell that a lot of work has been put into this picture. I see so many colors and shapes! Looking at it makes me smile.”

Second, the adult does not evaluate the quality. Try not to call something good, beautiful or fantastic. It doesn’t give the child very much useful feedback. Plus the idea of describing something is so that the kid can then praise herself and build some self-confidence and pride.

Adding a word that sums up the praiseworthy behavior is like putting icing on the sweet praise cake. “You waited so nicely until I was done talking on the phone to ask me for a drink. Now that is what I call PATIENCE!!” 

Cautions:

When praising, be sure not to use words that indicate past weakness or failure. “I finally see some progress on your homework.” Kid can easily hear either the disbelief, relief or resentment that comes across in that double-edged praise.

And finally, be careful not to be too enthusiastic. If you overdo it, then your child might lose some of their fervor to accomplish things for themselves. The goal of praise is certainly to build their self-image, but you want them to be the overall engineers of their sense of self.

This is just a foray into the effects and effectiveness of praise, but it’s a good bite-sized place to start.

Describe!

Try not to evaluate!

Use a positive word to sum up their behavior or accomplishment!

You can do it!

I used to play the piano fairly well. I wasn’t the best at practicing, but my laziness + a little musicality met in the middle to make me an adequate player. Unlike my piano playing, raising kids is hopefully a task that more people are interested in practicing. Becoming a proficient parent or caregiver is much more useful, in my opinion, than being able to play a sonata.

So how does one get better at parenting and helping children learn? Amazingly, the answer for both parenting and instrument playing is the same: Practice! How do you practice parenting? Aren’t you just doing it most of the time when you’re with your kids anyhow? Practicing indicates that this is somehow a trial run, but isn’t everyday with your kids the real performance? So again, how do you practice parenting?

One thing that parents definitely practice with their children is crossing the street. When safety is involved, parents are often very (rightly) concerned that they teach their children how to be safe in semi-dangerous situations. So why not practice many of the other behaviors that you would like your children to adopt as good habits?

One of the most important things to remember about practicing behaviors is that you should aim to do it when everything is calm. If you notice that your child is having a hard time remembering to say please, don’t just wait until you’re in the situation, they’re asking you for something & you’re not obliging because they didn’t use the magic word. Practice saying please with them in an unheated environment where you take turns passing things and saying please. Please remember to give them lots of praise specifically about the “please” or their sitting at the table for 5 minutes at a stretch (whatever the desired behavior may be) to encourage further development in the direction that you’d like them to be heading.

“Please, may I have the ball? Thank you! Your turn!”

“Daddy, ball…please.”

“Yay, you said please! Here is the ball. My turn…Please, may I have the ball?”

And you’re on a roll. Just like that, playing has turned into practicing.