Category: Praise

Positivity Pays

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Don’t touch that!
Don’t hit your brother.
Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
Stop banging on the table.
Don’t run in the house.

When you’re feeling disgruntled, tired, overwhelmed, stressed or just annoyed, it’s hard to remember that negativity isn’t usually the best way to get your point across. So often when I’m saying “No,” I don’t even notice that it invariably becomes the theme of my kid-centered talking. No to this. No to that. Please stop. Even when I’m still trying to be polite, it still comes out with a negative word in it.

Negativity escapes in other ways as well. Bringing up past misbehaviors when dealing with current behaviors. “Praising” kids’ work with a caveat that something still needs improving. Looks and tone of voice give us away too. It’s difficult to stay positive. It’s difficult to try to see things from someone else’s point of view. It’s difficult to be patient. But these vague, amorphous skills will only help us be the people and the parents that we most likely strive to be.

Cheering kids on is more effective in promoting certain behaviors than telling them “don’t” is in deterring “bad” behaviors. Giving positive attention when you see something that you like is more effective than giving negative attention when you see something that you don’t like. This is true in most parts of life. Motivating others to do certain things is the secret to good leadership. Praise, positivity and being the positive person that you’d like others to be are the best ways to accomplish this.

In The Trouble with saying No, I discuss having replacement words and directions that tell kids what to do, not what not to do. This can be a good place to start without having to change your entire attitude. Just change some small words first and maybe it’ll be easier for your demeanor to follow.

If you can become the master of positivity, just think what messages your kids will glean from that. Just like you, they’ll know that positivity pays!

Reward and praise YOURSELF for change!

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You’ve been thinking lately about how you shy away from enforcing consequences with your kids. Or you’ve been pondering how to make your patience last a little bit longer. You’ve been wondering how you can fit in some more play time with your kids without neglecting your other duties. CONTEMPLATING CHANGE is the one of the first steps of realizing change! Good on you!

Changing any behaviors, habits or thoughts is a tricky business. Just try to tell yourself not to get mad at your kids or your spouse for the same thing you were mad about yesterday. Talking yourself into thinking or behaving differently takes a lot of practice! We reward kids with praise, stickers, extra incentives, etc. when we see them changing for the better. An M&M for a successful trip to the potty! Extra play time when they’ve been kind and caring with their siblings. A special treat at the store when their behavior has been excellent. So why are we not rewarded for doing something infinitely harder? Changing ourselves.

#1) Try setting small goals for yourself that have a tangible reward at the end. This takes a bit of self control, but it also calls your attention to specific things that you’d like to concentrate on. For instance:

– I’m going to fully listen to what my child says without interrupting 3x times today!
– I’m going to count to 5 when I feel my patience going 3x times today before I speak!
– I’m going to say 5 positive things to my child this afternoon while we’re working on homework!
Pick just one of these on any given day (or obviously make up your own depending on your kids & you), and work it in. Then reward yourself with a free half hour once the kids are asleep (no laundry folding, no phone calls, just relaxing).

#2) Get your partner, spouse or friend on your side. Tell them what you’re trying to achieve and then allow them to give you encouragement, praise and a pat on the back once you have done it.

#3) Don’t forget to forgive yourself if you don’t manage it today. There’s always tomorrow. Your reward will still be waiting for you.

#4) Reward the small steps along the way. This will help you build confidence in your ability to change & show yourself that you can be successful in moving toward certain goals.

Maybe once you get a few successes under your belt, then you can get a massage or buy yourself a new piece of clothing. Whatever it is that’s going to help you stay on track, use it! Not only will you feel more relaxed after a massage, you’ll also feel more relaxed and confident after averting yelling at your kids. All the while showing them that if they want to see a change in themselves, they can manage it just like you!

Two thumbs up! Practice practice practice!

Being kind to yourself

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We practice at being kind to strangers, our significant others, family members, our friends and our kids. Some days are better than others, but we still generally wake up with the idea that if we’re kind to others, that’s a good way to spend a day. And yet when it comes to being kind to ourselves, we often falter or worse, don’t even consider whether we are being kind to ourselves or not.

I went to yoga this morning and had occasion to laugh at myself a number of times. I wasn’t making fun of myself for not looking like the other kids in class, but I was allowing myself to have my own wonky expression of each pose. I tried to forgive myself for not being able to lift myself up while my legs were swung up over my arms. While yoga and parenting differ in lots of ways (and it is not necessary to practice one while you practice the other), they also share many core values. Patience. Breathing. Forgiveness. Letting go. Relaxing. Having an open heart. Health. Making time for yourself. Being in the moment. Strength. Endurance. The idea that practicing more will help you get “better.”

So the next time you find yourself at the wrong end of a mistake, don’t call yourself stupid! Not even in your head! Besides the fact that you don’t want your kids to hear you disparaging yourself because you would never want them disparaging themselves, it doesn’t help you to hear it said aloud either. Practice saying something positive in your head instead. “I can stay calm in stressful situations.” or “I can forgive myself for my mistakes.” Just like we learn to control our anger and those snap decisions that we make when angry (else we’d all be grabbing kids left and right when we got upset), we can also learn to control our knee jerk reactions to our own foibles.

And just think how your day will go if you’re kind to the person you spend all of your time with: you!

Sit! Stay! Here boy!

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I realize that the title of this blog makes allusions to myself in the form of Cesar Milan, otherwise known as the Dog Whisperer. It makes me seem like I ascribe to his teachings, but have subjects in human form instead. While much of what he does has no bearing on kids, there are certain aspects of training, humans and animals, that overlap.

Perhaps the most salient of these comparisons are those direct and simple “commands” that children and dogs must listen to in order to keep them and others safe. Stay! Come here! Stop!

Most every parent has experienced the anxiety that comes with increased mobility in their children. Once a baby starts crawling and exploring their world, so much of a parent’s role seems to be goal tending; protecting their belongings and their child from a disastrous meeting. These anxieties only increase as a child’s world grows from their living room to the backyard to the playground to the city sidewalks and on. So what are some ways that parents let their kids know that they’re getting too far ahead? Or that they’re approaching a street and need to stop? Or that it’s time to leave the park, but they’re kind of far from you? What are your signals? Hopefully not too much yelling and chasing are involved, but these have been known to happen.

I’ve been working on perfecting some signals that are specific to the kids that I take care of. That way when we’re on a crowded playground with lots of yelling, they’ll know that I’m “talking” to them.

#1. The ever favorite name call. “Jackson!” If you can get eye contact, even from a distance, then you’re off to a good start. Now you can proceed to signal with your hands or yell a little more to let them know what it is you need.

#2. “Freeze!” We use this one when exploring the woods. They can get pretty far ahead when they’re really going & sometimes I can’t see around those bends in the road. It’s short. I can yell it pretty loudly. And it’s not a remonstrance. Just a simple command that we’ve practiced & for which they’ve gotten praise when done. Sometimes I even unfreeze them with a touch or a hug or some “abracadabra” hand gestures.

#3. My current favorite, whistling. I have found the loudest range of my whistling & turned it into a signal that gets the 3 kids I watch to look at me. Since I’ve been working on it with them, they’ve gotten more used to it. I generally just use it to say “uh uh, put that rock down” without any words. It can be the signal for slowing down or returning to me if they’ve ridden their bike a little too far ahead. So far, it’s working brilliantly. And at least in this instance, I do feel a little like Cesar Milan. All it takes is a few notes, some eye contact, a wave or a shake of the head and they’re back on track. Hurrah! And I didn’t have to yell! Pucker up.

And so I leave you with quite the whistler. He must have no trouble getting his kids’ attention in a crowd.

How was school today?

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It’s 3:30. Your kids just got home from school. They’ve hung up their things, unpacked their bags, put their shoes where they belong. Wonderful! All of those routines are working well.

Since you don’t have to nag anybody, you ask them how their day was instead. Novel idea. But…your question is met with a) silence, b) a shrug, c) a grunt or d) “Fine.” Every parent has encountered this situation and what often ensues is a parental version of 20 questions (I find myself playing this one-sided game too often as well).

“Did you play with your friends?”

“What was for lunch?”

“How did math go?”

“Was Jessie in school today?”

“How was Ms. Jackson?”

“Did you have fun?”

I have run up against this problem and heard variations of it enough to wonder if there isn’t a better way to encourage kids to share. I still find myself getting a little annoyed with my parents if I feel like I’m being interrogated. So I thought and thought…and came up with an idea!

Why not give our kids conversation prompts similar to the writing prompts offered at school?

“Today, I saw…”

“Today, I smelled…”

“Today, I talked to…”

“Today, I felt…”

“Today, I heard…”

“Today, I laughed because…”

“Today, I learned…”

If we take part in this activity and model it for our kids, it might encourage them to think about the things that they experienced during the day. It certainly would require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from them in response to one of our questions.

Maybe try it out as part of an afternoon snack routine. You can be silly with your thoughts too so that everyday doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of emotions. It’s just a good start for your child to talk to you about their day and their experiences.

“Today, I smelled the flowers blooming outside.”