Category: Parents

Young at Heart

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Now that summer is here & kids are out of school, it is time for grown ups to embrace their inner kid as well. If you don’t like visiting the playground or spending time at the pool or playing in the backyard or going for walks or riding bikes or any of the other myriad of summer activities that kids tend to L-O-V-E, you might need a quick refresher on being young at heart.

So how does one get back in touch with their inner child? I have a few ideas. Some sound a little unpleasant at first, but we adults need to push through some uncomfortableness before we see the fun on the other side.

1) GET YOUR CLOTHES WET…WHILE YOU’RE WEARING THEM
This can be a water balloon toss, a trip through the sprinkler, chasing each other with the hose, playing at the water table, exploring the creek in the woods or whatever else you can think of. I don’t like to get my clothes wet because besides being a little uncomfortable once your shorts are sticking to you, it also means that you have to do some extra and immediate laundry. But this is the perfect reason to do it. Forget about the responsibility that goes along with cleaning up after yourself and just try to have some sticky fun.


2) BLOW BUBBLES
Bubbles! Another great example of something icky, sticky and wonderful. Kids love chasing bubbles & even adults have to admit that there’s something pretty magical about a cloud of bubbles floating on the breeze. Don’t worry about the fact that the bubble bottle is getting low (get some backups!) or that your fingers are glued together with soap. Just blow bubbles and watch your kids have a good time. I dare you not to laugh.


3) CLIMB A TREE
Ack! What? Climbing trees is a dangerous activity! And also just about the coolest skill to have as a kid. Find a nice low tree (with sturdy branches) and climb on up. Have a sit. Look at the world from a little higher off the ground (even if it’s only about 5 feet). Imagine what it must be like to be a bird or the Swiss Family Robinson and actually LIVE IN A TREE! Teach your kids how to do it a little too. They’ll want to with or without your guidance and spotting, so you might as well be there to spot them.


There are plenty of other ways to try to bring kid-dom back into your mind. Get hot and sweaty chasing your kids (or other adults). Stay up late on the longest day of the year and wait until it’s completely dark out before you go in. Eat outside. Take a ride on a swing. Smile. Laugh.

Happy summer! I hope you’re having fun, finding free-time and putting on sunscreen with a sense of youthful adventure and possibility.

Reward and praise YOURSELF for change!

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You’ve been thinking lately about how you shy away from enforcing consequences with your kids. Or you’ve been pondering how to make your patience last a little bit longer. You’ve been wondering how you can fit in some more play time with your kids without neglecting your other duties. CONTEMPLATING CHANGE is the one of the first steps of realizing change! Good on you!

Changing any behaviors, habits or thoughts is a tricky business. Just try to tell yourself not to get mad at your kids or your spouse for the same thing you were mad about yesterday. Talking yourself into thinking or behaving differently takes a lot of practice! We reward kids with praise, stickers, extra incentives, etc. when we see them changing for the better. An M&M for a successful trip to the potty! Extra play time when they’ve been kind and caring with their siblings. A special treat at the store when their behavior has been excellent. So why are we not rewarded for doing something infinitely harder? Changing ourselves.

#1) Try setting small goals for yourself that have a tangible reward at the end. This takes a bit of self control, but it also calls your attention to specific things that you’d like to concentrate on. For instance:

– I’m going to fully listen to what my child says without interrupting 3x times today!
– I’m going to count to 5 when I feel my patience going 3x times today before I speak!
– I’m going to say 5 positive things to my child this afternoon while we’re working on homework!
Pick just one of these on any given day (or obviously make up your own depending on your kids & you), and work it in. Then reward yourself with a free half hour once the kids are asleep (no laundry folding, no phone calls, just relaxing).

#2) Get your partner, spouse or friend on your side. Tell them what you’re trying to achieve and then allow them to give you encouragement, praise and a pat on the back once you have done it.

#3) Don’t forget to forgive yourself if you don’t manage it today. There’s always tomorrow. Your reward will still be waiting for you.

#4) Reward the small steps along the way. This will help you build confidence in your ability to change & show yourself that you can be successful in moving toward certain goals.

Maybe once you get a few successes under your belt, then you can get a massage or buy yourself a new piece of clothing. Whatever it is that’s going to help you stay on track, use it! Not only will you feel more relaxed after a massage, you’ll also feel more relaxed and confident after averting yelling at your kids. All the while showing them that if they want to see a change in themselves, they can manage it just like you!

Two thumbs up! Practice practice practice!

Being kind to yourself

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We practice at being kind to strangers, our significant others, family members, our friends and our kids. Some days are better than others, but we still generally wake up with the idea that if we’re kind to others, that’s a good way to spend a day. And yet when it comes to being kind to ourselves, we often falter or worse, don’t even consider whether we are being kind to ourselves or not.

I went to yoga this morning and had occasion to laugh at myself a number of times. I wasn’t making fun of myself for not looking like the other kids in class, but I was allowing myself to have my own wonky expression of each pose. I tried to forgive myself for not being able to lift myself up while my legs were swung up over my arms. While yoga and parenting differ in lots of ways (and it is not necessary to practice one while you practice the other), they also share many core values. Patience. Breathing. Forgiveness. Letting go. Relaxing. Having an open heart. Health. Making time for yourself. Being in the moment. Strength. Endurance. The idea that practicing more will help you get “better.”

So the next time you find yourself at the wrong end of a mistake, don’t call yourself stupid! Not even in your head! Besides the fact that you don’t want your kids to hear you disparaging yourself because you would never want them disparaging themselves, it doesn’t help you to hear it said aloud either. Practice saying something positive in your head instead. “I can stay calm in stressful situations.” or “I can forgive myself for my mistakes.” Just like we learn to control our anger and those snap decisions that we make when angry (else we’d all be grabbing kids left and right when we got upset), we can also learn to control our knee jerk reactions to our own foibles.

And just think how your day will go if you’re kind to the person you spend all of your time with: you!

How was school today?

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It’s 3:30. Your kids just got home from school. They’ve hung up their things, unpacked their bags, put their shoes where they belong. Wonderful! All of those routines are working well.

Since you don’t have to nag anybody, you ask them how their day was instead. Novel idea. But…your question is met with a) silence, b) a shrug, c) a grunt or d) “Fine.” Every parent has encountered this situation and what often ensues is a parental version of 20 questions (I find myself playing this one-sided game too often as well).

“Did you play with your friends?”

“What was for lunch?”

“How did math go?”

“Was Jessie in school today?”

“How was Ms. Jackson?”

“Did you have fun?”

I have run up against this problem and heard variations of it enough to wonder if there isn’t a better way to encourage kids to share. I still find myself getting a little annoyed with my parents if I feel like I’m being interrogated. So I thought and thought…and came up with an idea!

Why not give our kids conversation prompts similar to the writing prompts offered at school?

“Today, I saw…”

“Today, I smelled…”

“Today, I talked to…”

“Today, I felt…”

“Today, I heard…”

“Today, I laughed because…”

“Today, I learned…”

If we take part in this activity and model it for our kids, it might encourage them to think about the things that they experienced during the day. It certainly would require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from them in response to one of our questions.

Maybe try it out as part of an afternoon snack routine. You can be silly with your thoughts too so that everyday doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of emotions. It’s just a good start for your child to talk to you about their day and their experiences.

“Today, I smelled the flowers blooming outside.”

Judgment Day: Criticizing Parents

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The “modern parenting” landscape is awash with advice, tell-alls, no-nos, craft ideas and stories of real life. Two weeks ago another look at a modern parent garnered a lot of buzz and a lot of scrutiny. Dara-Lynn Weiss wrote a piece for Vogue about the year long weight-loss plan/diet that she put her 7-year old daughter on. This piece has received so much attention (almost all of it negative), that it got me thinking about criticism and judgment, of both parents and kids.

So, have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help calm the child down. What’s the matter with that parent? Why aren’t they trying to get the kid quiet?
2.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent is also yelling and being forceful with their child. What’s the matter with that parent? Don’t they know that yelling won’t solve the problem?
3.) You’re in a store where a kid is running around willy nilly. The parent is asking them to stop and quiet down. The child doesn’t seem to be listening. What’s that matter with that parent? Why aren’t they making their kid listen to them?

Or have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to ignore their outburst as a way of dealing with it. But while you do this, you’re sweating and feeling that you should be able to control your child better than this. Bad Parent!
2.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to subdue them with the methods that you normally use, but things aren’t going well. You’re starting to lose your temper. Oh no! Bad Parent!
3.) You’re in a store where your kid is running around willy nilly. They have a lot of excess energy and you want them to be able to get out some of their wiggles before you head to the library. But you feel that they should be listening better. What to do next? Bad Parent!

Parents today can be in the dangerous and isolating position of feeling judged by passers-by, family, friends and themselves. Feeling judged is one of the things that people are supposed to be impervious to once they become parents. The familiar motto is something like, “If it’s in the best interest of my kids, then I don’t care what others think.” {Incidentally, the phrase “best interests of the child” indicates the factors taken into consideration by the courts when making decisions in child welfare cases.} I myself have encouraged parents to follow their own internal voices and try to ignore looks from people in public while they discipline or attempt to calm their children. It’s not an easy feat. Feeling judged by yourself for some sort of parental “ineptitude” is another very real danger.

I would argue that the responsibility of overcoming feelings of judgment (both from internal and external sources) does not rest solely on the parents. As we (members of society) continue the cycle of thinking that we know what’s best for other people’s children, we will continue to judge those people for not acting in different ways. And parents will continue to judge themselves as well.

The same website that first called foul on Dara-Lynn Weiss has also published an admonition of those of us who are “shaming” Ms. Weiss with our criticism. It rightly points out that the criticism that is being flung at Ms. Weiss can be equated to the criticism that she doled out to her daughter while trying to change her eating habits. If we (adults!) continue to judge parents so harshly and so loudly for their “failings”, then what messages are we passing on to their kids and ours? Is the moral of the story that judging others is simply our right or responsibility? If so, then we will only be encouraging that behavior in our children as they grow and become more vocal; teaching them to use their newfound voices to criticise.
It’s difficult to stop yourself from judging others, but if you find yourself in a store with a screaming child nearby (be it yours or someone else’s) TRY to restrain yourself. If not for the parents or yourself, then do it for the kids.