Category: Parents

Things that are out of our control

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I recently completed my first stint as a teacher of parents in the Positive Parenting Program at the Family Tree (which, incidentally, was the beneficiary of the Best of Baltimore party that took place earlier this month). The participants survived, as did I, and by the end of the class we were even sad to see each other go. Most of the anonymous comments that I received were positive, with only one that suggested that anything be enhanced for the future: me knowing more about inner city kids. At first I was a little embarrassed by this suggestion. But I’ve taught in two inner cities! It’s been a little while, but I know something about what kids and parent are facing in cities, don’t I? So I pondered this thought for the next day or two and I came to a realization. It’s not that I don’t vaguely understand the different parenting pressures in inner cities, it’s that I don’t have many ideas on how to parent if outside of your house and your control, your child is facing troublesome situations left and right. I was just avoiding talking about it. If you’re supposed to be good at giving parenting advice and you know very little in a certain area, then it makes sense to remain mum on that subject. Conundrum.

If you don’t want to talk about things that you’re unsure of, then you’ll never learn more to grow in confidence in these areas. We push our kids to explore the unknown all the time, in school and at home. But the comment that I received also translates to an overarching parental question: how do you do your best in situations that are out of your control? You can enforce the rule of “no hitting” when you’re at home with relative ease. How can you enforce it when your child is over at someone else’s house? Or even worse, when your child is getting hit on the playground and there are no adults around to see. What then? Should he hit back to defend himself? If finding an adult to intervene isn’t an option for your child, what should he do? What should you tell him? If your child attends a school that is chaotic or you live in a neighborhood with plenty of poor role models, what are the best things to teach your child for them to not only become a responsible citizen, but also for them to survive?

I think that these hypothetical questions (which aren’t hypothetical to so many parents in the U.S.) are what stumped me. I think that putting all of the responsibility to be good and prosper on the child makes it impossible for them to do so. I remember hearing a teacher speaking with a young girl many years ago when I was first getting my feet wet in the inner city. The girl’s parents were more than irresponsible. It was hard for her to get much sleep because there would be people over at all hours. Needless to say, very little positive care and attention was given to her. The teacher couldn’t change her home life and lack of positive parental involvement, so she took a different tack. She had a good relationship with this student, so she told her that it was up to her to get her homework done no matter what. If she had to do it under the covers with a flashlight every night before going to sleep, then so be it. The teacher couldn’t control some things, but she could use her positive influence over the student to encourage her to succeed. There’s no way that this can work for everyone though (and indeed, it doesn’t!). Shall we tell every child who is being negatively affected by neighbors or peers to simply buck up and do better? No matter that being different (especially “good” different) can make kids targets of bullying and excessive peer pressure.

So, are there no other solutions besides fundamentally changing our societal structure and making sure that all kids value good behavior, good education, politeness, respect and self-discipline? Easier said than done.

I’m still at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with parenting situations outside of my control. The best advice that I could offer was that by building up our kids and making them feel capable and strongly rooted, that they’ll take a coat of armor out into the world with them that will protect them from bad influence. This suggestion still puts a lot of personal responsibility on the child to resist and rise above. I guess that it’s the best I can do for now though.

Perhaps the moral of the story is two-fold: It’s ok not to know what to do or what advice to give. But don’t give up on thinking about it!

Being a person even when you’re a parent

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I received a question last week about holding on to one’s identity when we become parents. I think that this concern has occurred to most modern parents. There have been books written about taking time for oneself and classes taught on being a well-balanced person so that you can be a well-balanced parent. Every parent has different needs. Being able to meet these needs is an important part of being an effective parent. While it’s often difficult to find time and not feel guilty about doing things for oneself, most parents know that caring for themselves is a good idea. But the question is, how?

Let’s first explore the hypothetical life of a parent who tries to get their emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual needs met only through being a parent. You wake up and meet two grumpy kids. They’re tired and have overslept a little, so the morning is rushed. You want to feel emotionally validated by them, but they are short, a little rude and taciturn. They do not have the capacity to make you feel good about yourself, nor is it their responsibility. Their grumpiness spreads to you. You would like to have some carefree conversation with them in order to flex your “social muscle.” You would love to discuss a current event that has gotten you thinking about life. Or talk more deeply about your fears for their future…with them. None of these needs can truly be met by your kids and if you have the expectation that they should be meeting them, you are probably disappointed on a regular basis. If this is the system that’s in place, then changing it is going to be a difficult thing. But just as we ask our children to change and grow, we must expect the same from ourselves.

So, you’ve made the decision that you do value yourself and that you want to hold on to interests outside of your family and your children. It might cause you a bit more up front logistical stress, but should pay off in the long run. Here are some ideas on how to accomplish this:

#1 Rely on your partner, spouse, close family member or friend.
While it’s nice to spend time all together as a family, not every weekend has to be Mom, Dad & the two kids together all the time. Leave the kids at home with Dad while you go for a run, or a drink with friends, or a quiet sit somewhere. Besides giving you time off, it will allow your kids to spend some quality time with another caring adult. Maybe you don’t trust others with your kids very much. Maybe it’s time to change that.

#2 Hire a babysitter.
Babysitters don’t just have to come over for date nights. They can also come when you’re at choir practice or book club. This involves planning ahead, but what parent doesn’t have to do that? Reserve them in advance even if you haven’t figured out what you’re going to do yet. Give yourself some freedom.

#3 Incorporate your child into your interests.
They might not be old enough to play on the softball team with you, but they can come and cheer or blow off some steam running around the outfield (between innings of course). Bring them on that bike ride with you. Show them how to play darts. Letting them know that you like to do things other than hang out with them shows them that you’re a person too, not just their parent.

#4 Steal time for yourself when they’re around.
Give yourself 15 minutes to read while they’re playing in the backyard. Chat on the phone to your friend for 10 minutes while they’re having a snack. Work on your knitting while they play on the computer. You don’t have to be involved in all of their activities all the time. Allowing them some time to find and cultivate their own interests gives you time for yours!

If you respect your own person and your own needs, your kids are more likely to respect them too. They’ll have a role model who values him or herself and their individual interests.

I know that this is easier said than done when so many responsibilities and cares surround us on a daily basis, but if you take some time for yourself, you should be more ready to give time to your kids when you return from bowling or the middle of your book.

Birthing classes, but no parenting classes?

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When people first get the news that they’re going to be parents, many of them start reading books, taking classes and talking to other parents about what to expect. There are birthing classes, baby CPR classes, car seat installation seminars and swaddling experts. There are professionals who excel at getting your baby to sleep. There are philosophies on co-sleeping, attachment parenting, ferberizing and more. The amount of organized learning that parents take part in during the first year of their child’s life is staggering.

Once you know how to feed your child and when they should be walking and talking, the support available really falls away. I guess we think that we have launched the family in its boat and now it is up to them to get under way. So while most parents know where to turn if they have a colicky child, they may not be so sure of who to turn to once their child can talk and demand things of them. Why is it that we have so many supports available to parents of young children, but so few for parents of 10 year olds? Many parents never take part in any “continuing education” once their children are toddlers. I’m not advocating that it should be mandatory. I just worry that this lack of focus and support for all parents might be a bad thing in the long run.

I am currently co-teaching a parenting class that includes clients who have been mandated to attend by CPS. I think that a parenting class can benefit any parent and it seems a shame to me that we only work to educate parents as a reaction to some episode in their families. Why do we not promote parent education courses for all? Just as in medicine, isn’t prevention much more effective than curing? There are many parents who will never be involved with CPS, but they may be facing some of the same problems as people who are. Reducing the stigma and judgment that we, as people, put on to other parents might be a start in opening up a real conversation about the struggles inherent in this tough job.

Parenting is a tricky business, filled with cultural expectations and political undertones, not to mention being present for your children. It’s easy to scapegoat parents, saying that many of the problems that society faces are due to bad parenting. So wouldn’t it make sense to invest in parents rather than to bad mouth them?

I know, I know. Big ideas. But to me it just seems like common sense.

How am I doing so far? One year and counting

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I’m a few days behind, but just about a year ago, this little blog got its start. So how am I doing so far? I haven’t written as much as I would like, but this year has brought a lot with it.

I have become a small part of an outstanding community of women via (cool) progeny. I have continued to explore my own ideas of parenting and the complex issues that parents face on a regular basis. I have learned a lot about myself and other parenting philosophies. I have rediscovered that it is most difficult to be patient with oneself. I have created a little voice on the internet that hopefully speaks to some parents and helps them in some small way.

The topics that I’ve covered so far (from tantrums to discipline to structure to fun to patience to praise) are a great start, but I am really interested in finding out from you what your concerns are. I may not have all of the answers, but I will do my best to answer questions directly or in a new post on your topic of choice.

What do you think? What is the biggest challenge of your day? What has you just stymied? Let me know & I’ll try to help!

Positivity Pays

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Don’t touch that!
Don’t hit your brother.
Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
Stop banging on the table.
Don’t run in the house.

When you’re feeling disgruntled, tired, overwhelmed, stressed or just annoyed, it’s hard to remember that negativity isn’t usually the best way to get your point across. So often when I’m saying “No,” I don’t even notice that it invariably becomes the theme of my kid-centered talking. No to this. No to that. Please stop. Even when I’m still trying to be polite, it still comes out with a negative word in it.

Negativity escapes in other ways as well. Bringing up past misbehaviors when dealing with current behaviors. “Praising” kids’ work with a caveat that something still needs improving. Looks and tone of voice give us away too. It’s difficult to stay positive. It’s difficult to try to see things from someone else’s point of view. It’s difficult to be patient. But these vague, amorphous skills will only help us be the people and the parents that we most likely strive to be.

Cheering kids on is more effective in promoting certain behaviors than telling them “don’t” is in deterring “bad” behaviors. Giving positive attention when you see something that you like is more effective than giving negative attention when you see something that you don’t like. This is true in most parts of life. Motivating others to do certain things is the secret to good leadership. Praise, positivity and being the positive person that you’d like others to be are the best ways to accomplish this.

In The Trouble with saying No, I discuss having replacement words and directions that tell kids what to do, not what not to do. This can be a good place to start without having to change your entire attitude. Just change some small words first and maybe it’ll be easier for your demeanor to follow.

If you can become the master of positivity, just think what messages your kids will glean from that. Just like you, they’ll know that positivity pays!