Category: Parents

If you’ve said it 5 times…

katierobinsonLeave a comment

You guessed it: you should probably stop saying it.

Has this ever been a day in your life?

“Please clean up the markers…Please clean up the markers…Please start cleaning up the markers!…Pick up the markers!!!…THE MARKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Anyone? I know that it’s happened to me. And I love that my initial reaction to being ignored is almost always that they must not have heard me. I’ll just repeat myself for them- so helpful of me. Of course, sometimes it’s true and they haven’t heard, but if I’ve repeated myself a couple of times, then I should know better. Shouldn’t I? After all, if someone was repeatedly telling me to do something, I might ignore them too just out of spite.

So how do we stop ourselves from being annoying? And nagging? And sounding like a broken record? And REPEATING EVERYTHING WE SAY? (repeat, repeat, repeat)

The simplest solution: Stop repeating yourself

But Katie, if I stop repeating myself then nothing will ever get done! Well then here’s my solution to that. Repeat yourself with purpose. Let’s revisit the mess of markers. If kids are doing something else, sometimes I do give them a direction for free. It is hard to listen when you’re busy with a task. Just try and talk to me when I’m watching TV and you’ll see that I speak the truth. But if it’s clear that they should have been able to hear you without distraction, then you’ve got to start doing a hard count on the task that you’ve asked of them.

“Joseph, I need you to clean up the markers please”…(wait a minute to see what happens- trust that he’s going to do it even if his start time is a little longer than you’d like)…If there’s no movement, then…

“Joseph, I’ve asked you once to clean up the markers. If the markers aren’t cleaned up in the next few minutes, then they’re going to have to be in time out for the rest of the day.” 

Alternately, you can also use the wonderful “If (when)…, then….” statement to encourage kids to move.

“Joseph, I’ve asked you once to clean up the markers. When they’re picked up, then it will be time for us to go to the playground. But we can’t go until they’re cleaned up” Same formula, just more positive.

Once the expectations are set, either a) the markers will go into time out or b) the playground will be delayed (or maybe even canceled!), try to leave it alone. You’ve asked twice. Hopefully that should be enough. If it’s not, then you can issue one more warning reminding them of the positive or negative consequence that will occur. Then simply follow through on the consequence with only one sentence spoken describing the reason for the outcome.

“And now it’s time to go to the playground because you cleaned up the markers!” or “The markers now have to sit up on the shelf for the rest of the day because you didn’t clean them up like you were asked.”

And you’re done.

What are the problems with repeating yourself a lot?

#1 You start to sound like background noise. And who listens to background noise?

#2 You begin to annoy yourself.

#3 The more often you repeat yourself, the more times you’ll need to say something before it’s actually listened to.

I think that this might be the secret to why parents yell. Eventually you just get frustrated by having to repeat yourself. So you yell. Yelling sounds different than the repetitive directions you were giving, so it’s heard. It then seems like yelling is the only way to get results. But you have made it so that yelling is the only thing that is heard. The key to not repeating yourself is to make yourself heard without yelling.

Give it a try. Break the cycle of repetition and stop sounding like a broken record. I bet you’ll be heard.

Let’s call a meeting

katierobinsonLeave a comment

Happy New Year all! Forgive my recent dearth of advice and posts. It was a busy end to the old year, but 2013 has dawned and it’s time to get back to business!

I’ll bang my gavel and call this meeting to order! What meeting you ask? The one I just called. I call meetings all the time with kids. They don’t bring their portfolios with them or take notes, but they have to be present for a moment and touch base just as they would in any company meeting. So how do I use this funny tactic? Here goes.

Let’s say that you’re about to pay a visit to the library. You’ve got both of your young kids with you. They don’t have the hang of library etiquette just yet, so having a meeting before you go in is probably a good idea.

Step #1: Either right outside the library or just inside the door if it’s chilly, get down on one knee and have them huddle up around you. Now you’re all on the same eye level and you can indicate to them that everyone is participating in this meeting. It’s not just the grown up barking the orders at the kids.

Step # 2: Make sure everybody is paying attention and then start to either explain or ask about the rules for the library. This is when kids can surprise you. They often know the dos and don’ts before you tell them and are more likely to remember and follow them if they explain them instead of you. This is also the part where kids tend to raise their hands without prompting, which I always find super cute! “Pick me! I know a rule about the library! Use inside voices!”

Step #3: After a few guidelines are presented (be careful not to list too many rules or their heads will be swimming), again ask or explain what the consequences for not following the rules will be. DO NOT let this time be a prediction from you that you know your children will not be able to behave themselves. If you don’t want them to behave themselves, then by all means, predict that they’ll fail at this. Simply state the consequence of leaving the library or having to sit down while their sibling continues to read and look around. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t make an angry face or threaten them with said consequence. Just tell them. It’s their choice.

Step #4: Follow through on consequences and rewards. If they have behaved just as they should, then maybe they can check out an extra book (Zoinks!). If they have run or jumped or yelled or refused to share, then after a warning, a consequence should have been enforced.

Step #5: This one is optional, but if you like, you can always have a meeting on the way out too. Ask them what went well. Ask them what we might still need to practice. Tell them what you saw that you liked.

Meetings help us to be on the same page. They’re a 30 second check-in that lets kids know your expectations while also assuring them that you won’t be nagging them constantly while you’re at the _____________ (fill in the blank). They only have to pay attention to the “boring” stuff of rules for a short time, then they can concentrate on other things without being interrupted by “Stop that!” “Inside voices!” “Shhhhhh!” “Let him have the book!” “Be quiet or we’re leaving!” “Stop embarrassing me!” And the other myriad of things that we can say when we’re starting to feel a little nervous about our kids’ behaviors.

So for now, this meeting is adjourned. Take your gavel out into the world and use it!!


gavel on white background

This referee is on strike!

katierobinsonLeave a comment

“Katie, he won’t let me play with him!”

“She won’t share her toy!”

“He yelled at me.”

“She took the game that I was playing with!”

After a few rounds of hearing this, you might just want to yell Enough! We’re supposed to be measured and considerate and helpful and perfectly patient when helping kids deal with their problems, right? Right. But if a lot of the problems that we hear about are small or divisive, then how should we behave? Should we always stop what we’re doing when someone comes into the room to report a hit and run (“He hit me and then ran away!”)? Should we always model how to solve conflict with appropriate words, while trying to make everyone feel heard? When is it ok for my patience to run out?

This happened to me just the other day. One kid came into the room with some tears to complain about a brotherly infraction (“He’s using my hideout!”). She wanted me to come into the other room and tell her “unruly” brother to get the heck out of the hideout! If she couldn’t control the situation, she wanted to find someone who she thought could. I stayed put and calmly talked to her about what she could do to try and get her point across. I asked her if crying and yelling was the way to get what she wanted. She sniffled and said no. I asked her what else she could try. She sniffled again and said “Say please.” After that, I wanted to leap onto the counter and yell, “You do know what to do! You don’t need me at all!” But I contained my excitement and listened to what would happen next. She left and used her words instead of her whining to try and kowtow her older brother. About 2 minutes after she left the room, her brother entered with the exact opposite complaint that she had (“She won’t let me play in her hideout.”). Every parent or caregiver has been in this situation. How can we make everyone happy? It takes real skills of diplomacy to enter into talks with young kids since the general answers are “Mine!” and “No!”. I thought for a second about what to do, because he was looking for the same thing as his sister. I want this adult to intervene on my behalf. She has the power to make changes happen! However flattering that is for me that I’ve been voted into the position of referee, it’s not always the most useful for them to have me solving their disputes. So I tried to stay out of this one as well. Since he’s a little older, I told him that I couldn’t always solve the problems that he has with his sister. He has to work to try to solve them himself. Probably not what he wanted to hear, but at least I didn’t have to get into a conversation about who had custody of said pillow hideout. He returned to the next room and they managed to work out a system of sharing the pillows but having two different neighborly hideouts. Wonderful! And all without too much adult interference!

Sometimes the best and most helpful thing for us to do is to hang up our referee whistle. Just like some fans get angry when there are a lot of penalties in a game (“Let them play ref!”), we should only call foul or intervene when it’s absolutely necessary. Oftentimes kids just need a reminder of how they can solve their problems without us stepping in to solve anything for them. I think that kids can do a lot more than we think they can, if only we let them play the game.

So, it’s official. I’m on strike.

 

A look is worth a thousand words?

katierobinsonLeave a comment

Last week, I had the fun-fortune to attend a continuing education class (for my social work license) on non-verbal communication. We watched little dialogues and assessed the unspoken messages that were sent. We communicated nonverbally in small groups. We looked at micro expressions and tried to distinguish what whiff of emotion was coming through. It was kind of fun as well as informational. And it got me thinking, as many things do, about how parents can use non-verbal skills with their kids. I’ve written about keeping quiet, but want to take it a step further and actively communicate with kids while being quiet. Impossible? Not with a little practice.

Though I do think about staying quiet with kids, I still wrestle with when to and when not to open my mouth. {Sometimes I even say to a child, “I’ll just close my mouth. Too much talking from me.”} I try to respect their ability to solve problems on their own and to know what steps to take next. I’d rather teach them to do something by themselves than find myself always in the position of telling them what to do next. So, first things first:

#1) If you have explained how to do something or when to do something many times, try not doing that and see what happens.
Don’t ask your child to put their shoes on every time it’s time to leave the house. Just say that it’s time to leave and see what happens. Try to limit your verbal directions to them on things that they know how to do.
Ex. “Don’t forget to clear your plate from the table.”
“We have to hold hands to cross the street.”
“After your bath, you have to brush your teeth.”

#2) Try prompting these known activities with non-verbal cues instead!
When it’s time to cross the street, I simply beat the kids to the curb (though they are now great at waiting on the sidewalk since we’ve practiced this) and then stand with my hands out waiting for them. This has done a couple of great things. First, it’s made me less annoying in this one situation. Yay! Second, it allows the kids to enforce the rules themselves. Since I don’t mention holding hands, sometimes they do. They police each other and have taken more ownership in the activity of safely crossing the street. Awesome! That means that someday they’ll be ready to do it by themselves.

#3) If they need a lesson in your non-verbals, give it to them.
You can do this in everyday situations or during a specific “game” to test their knowledge. Sometimes if I want to guide their behavior in a small way, before saying something, I’ll just look at them. If they don’t seem to get whatever message I’m trying to convey with my body and face, I’ll ask them what my face is telling them. Even if they don’t get it right, this still allows for us to talk about how I’m feeling. Rather than me telling them to stop something this gives them room to figure out what they should be doing instead.

#4) Try praising with your expressions.
Just as with other verbal cues and responses, praise can become something that kids feel like they need. Verbal praise should be used a lot when kids are first getting the hang of something. Yay you! You took some steps by yourself! You put your clothes in the laundry basket all by yourself! Once your child knows how and when to put their clothes in the basket, you naturally don’t praise them for it anymore. You come to expect it instead. So when they’ve got something down and you’re ready to take away your verbal praise, you can scale down your enthusiasm with non-verbal praise. It’s also so much fun to give your kid some “secret” praise or attention when other people are around. Instead of yelling “Great job!” across the playground, you can get their attention and then silently cheer or give them a thumbs up or jump up and down.

So, what is my face telling you? (Besides that I’m a goof…)

What is ‘spoiled’?

katierobinsonLeave a comment

The date on the milk says 9/4/12. Just two days past “good.” You sniff it to check it’s viability. It’s smells just a tiny bit funny, but you pour it on anyhow. Is it spoiled?

Milk metaphors aside, what does it mean for a child to be spoiled? Is it the age-old idea of giving them “too many” material things? Can it be something else? Is it something to be proud of? Is it something to dismiss? Is it an outdated term? Does it mostly happen for kids of wealthy parents? What is it? And if a child is conventionally spoiled, does that automatically mean that they’ll be a jerk as an adult? Once spoiled, are you spoiled forever? Does anyone believe that in the aftermath of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory that Veruca Salt grew up to be a nice person?

I don’t know the answers to all of the questions that I posed, but I have a few thoughts on spoiling and what it means today.

#1 Too many material things?

In our current American culture, acquiring things can seem like second nature to us. Even with economic troubles and worries, objects can “make us happier” and serve as status symbols. For many middle class parents, providing a rich and entertaining environment at home is a strategic goal of parenting. By flooding a kid with new and varied toys and objects, a child may come to expect that a) their wishes will be granted all the time and b) their toys should be entertaining them, with the real possibility of getting something new when they lose interest in something.

Besides giving kids an unrealistic view of the world (that material things are simply to be gotten, used, replaced and thrown away), providing them with too much doesn’t encourage long attention spans or imaginative play. It negates having a favorite object or toy, which can bring such comfort to kids. It also gives them very little sense of money. Kids don’t need to know all of the particular stresses and concerns that go along with money making and spending, but having an idea that it exists and that it’s not infinite will begin to give value to it.

Finally, buying buying buying simply makes more waste for the world. If we teach our kids that consumption is key, then the world of their adulthood will be littered with discarded and unwanted things.

#2 Spoiling in other ways

How do we spoil our kids without buying them things? And is this a real problem? I think that the overall idea of “spoiling” is that we are conditioning kids (or people) to expect immediate gratification and to expect that their environment will change to fit them rather than the other way around.

Parents contribute to these skewed ideas in a number of ways. First, by being too readily available to our kids, we give them the impression that being on the phone or talking to another adult is no reason for them not to have their wants attended to right away. Eh. Second, when parents work to control/change school or social environments for their kids when they meet an obstacle, kids are shown that if something is hard or unpleasant, they should simply give up or leave. If cries of “I’m hungry!” are immediately met with a snack, then we are teaching our kids that all they need to do is raise their pleading voices to get what they want. When parents create these expectations in their kids, they are setting themselves up to disappoint their youngsters when eventually they can’t control the environment or do need their kid to wait for something.

#3 Are you spoiled forever?

It seems to me that the answer to this is pretty straight forward: If you continue to expect the world to change for you, then you will continue to be “spoiled.” If you continue to expect attention to be paid to you on your terms, the same is true. The way to undo this is to come up against a real life situation when a teacher won’t let you do a make-up assignment or when you can’t continue to be the first in line. The world generally works to combat spoiling. It doesn’t work to change for us, it expects us to change for it.

So a little spoiling might not be the end of the world. It’s fun to break the rules sometimes or splurge on something at the toy store. But hopefully it’s not an everyday occurrence, else real spoiling could be the outcome. And once milk is on its way to being spoiled, it’s hard to stop it.

I want the world,
I want the whole world,
Give it to me now!