Category: Parents

Before school ended, when the sunny days were upon us, I spent a lot of time in the afternoons at the school playground. I know a 7-year old who was always anxious to join whatever friends were to be found after school. As many adults know, playgrounds aren’t always that much fun when you’re a grown up. You basically are there to watch, worry, settle disputes and wait for someone to need a hug (or stitches) after they fall.

One day, I was sitting, watching the action and letting my imagination run away with me. I began to imagine myself as a playground lifeguard instead of a participating caregiver. I thought about how people didn’t really talk to lifeguards when they were on duty. It’s their job to stay alert, always be watching and stay focused while on their shift. I imagined myself becoming a bit impervious and stoic behind my sunglasses- ever watchful, but ever apart. Sure enough after a little while of sitting, I was called upon to step-in for a put-upon kid. “They’re not playing by my rules,” I heard. I sat and thought for just a second and then decided to do my best impression of the Man with No Eyes from Cool Hand Luke (with perhaps a little less malignance).

I said one thing to make my position that day known. “You’re going to have to solve your problems on your own.” He sat on the wall with me for another minute, pondering the situation and what he was willing to do about it and then got up and went back to playing. With my watchful eye, I kept track of him and his friends. I don’t think that he aired his grievances about whatever rules to whatever game he disagreed with, but I do think that he thought about whether or not he wanted to make a stink over it. He decided against it and figured that he’d rather play a different way than give it up altogether.

Since I seem to be all about giving kids room to breath and trip and make mistakes, I wanted this lifeguarding to be an extension of that. Of course I’m here if you need me. If you’re drowning, I will save you. No question. But if you’re just learning to swim and looking a little like a fish out of water, you don’t need saving. I’ll stay stoic behind my sunglasses until there’s a real emergency.

Now give me a kiss and go play.

 

Once upon a time (about 2 weeks ago), I had a visit from a couple of friends who live in DC. We went to lunch. We ate, chatted, laughed and then proceeded to get into a 45 minute discussion of the particulars of self-esteem: what it is (still unsure), how it develops (still unsure) and whether or not any of us were right about any of it. After successfully seeing the lunch crowd at the restaurant dwindle (and entertain the thought of just staying there for dinner as well), we finally decided that we agreed on a few things at least. And we’re still friends, so that’s good news.

When does self-esteem begin to develop? This question is one that I have asked to groups of parents on several occasions. The responses generally vary from when kids learn to walk and talk to their first days of school to adolescence. There is usually the assumption that self-esteem comes when kids can start to recognize and identify feelings of self-pride in their everyday accomplishments. I, of course, hold a different view. Rude, isn’t it? I simply ask the question so that I can yell “Boo-yah!” at everybody when I tell them that they’re wrong. Double rude.

I posit that feelings of “worthiness,” i.e. self-esteem begin to develop from the very beginning. If a baby cries day-in and day-out and no one comes, it sends a message to them that they can’t trust anyone in this big world. They are not worth the time or energy for someone to come and comfort them or change their diaper. They aren’t thinking these things in words of course, but they can internalize them nonetheless. The now infamous neglect found in Romanian orphanages in the 80s and 90s has led to lessened brain development and a continued difficulty to securely attach to other people. While these facts by themselves do not necessarily indicate that every unattended child will have low self-esteem, the orphanage dwellers often face many difficulties even when moved to a loving and supportive environment. Besides being unstimulated and underdeveloped, they have also been taught that they don’t matter, which is a very difficult message to reverse.

In a similar vein, a story on NPR talked about the learning that occurs in utero (When Does Learning Begin?). Fetuses learn to recognize the sound of their mother’s voice before they are born. They can taste foods that their mother eats while in the womb and then show a preference for recognizable flavors after they are born. This does not mean that feelings of self-esteem begin before babies are born, but if they have the ability to learn while they’re cooking, then who knows what else they might pick up.

So, self-esteem might not have a universal definition (though the internet says “a feeling of pride in oneself”…meh) that transcends subconscious feelings and thoughts, but whatever it is, it’s lurking within us from very early in our lives. Figuring out how to nurture it from the beginning is one of life’s mysteries. We can only try, keeping in mind that kids are forming opinions on themselves and their place in the world as soon as, if not before, they enter it.

<Shudder>

Just the title of this post gives way to uncomfortable thoughts. They center around disciplining someone’s child in my home and disciplining my child in front of a friend of theirs. Both of these can be sticky situations to say the least. Any ways to make them a little less sticky? Maybe. As with any suggestions, you just have to figure out what works for you. So here are some thoughts:

#1 Enlist the help of your child in telling their friend the “rules” of the house

If there is a specific shoe place for when they come in from playing? Have your child point out to your guest where that is. That way, your kid can be the model of following the house rules for their friend.

“Can you please show Katie where her coat can be hung up?”

“Can you please tell Katie what our rule is about running in the house?”

Now these little clues might not work, but having your kid show them the ropes can be much smoother than an adult (especially one that they don’t know too well) getting involved.

#2 Use the phrase “In this house”

Don’t put too fine a point on anything and please don’t expect much from kids you don’t know very well. But saying “In this house, we clean up the toys after we play with them,” let’s your guest know that this expectation of them might not be in every part of life, but it does hold some weight in the house they’re visiting. This helps them know what is expected of them in this particular situation. Kids know that they can and sometimes should behave differently in different settings, so defining the setting for them might help them accomplish the task you’re asking them to do.

#3 Don’t introduce any new rules to follow when a guest is there

If your kid doesn’t know about a certain expectation, don’t bring it up for the first time when they have a friend over. It will not go as you hoped.

#4 If YOUR child needs to be disciplined while a friend is over, then discipline them

Being consistent means just this: Rules and expectations don’t change just because you have a friend over. I expect the same level of behavior from you as I always do. If that means that they get a warning and then a few minutes of not playing with their friend, all the better to send them the message that you’re serious. Remember that you are not embarrassing your child. You are simply following through on a commitment that you made to them. They have the choice to embarrass themselves or not.

As when any guests are at our houses, we want to be on our best behavior. Help every kid to achieve just that.

“Nope!”

“Stop it!”

“Don’t chew with your mouth open.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Stop yelling inside!”

“Don’t hit your brother!”

“Don’t run away from me in the store.”

 

In the parenting class that I teach, we discuss the differences between discipline and punishment. There are plenty of them, but one that we tend to focus on is that discipline teaches kids what to do and punishment teaches them what not to do. When kids receive punishment more often than discipline, they learn to try to avoid being caught rather than learning the “right” thing to do. The same is true for telling kids what they can’t do. It’s not helping them learn what we expect from them. It’s only helping them narrow down an incomprehensible list of possible life decisions, such as not hitting. The only question is, if we tell them not to hit, but don’t tell them how they can express their frustration or anger without force, then we’re leaving them to try to figure it out for themselves.

So let’s turn some of these “don’ts” into “dos.”

“Please chew with your mouth closed.”

“Please wait to talk until your mouth is empty.”

“Use your inside voice instead of yelling.”

“It’s not ok to hit. We should use gentle hands and words instead.”

“I get scared when I don’t know where you are. Please stay with me when we’re in the store.”

 

All of these are now requests and directions instead of deterrents. They may not always be followed on the first or second or even eighth go, but there should be less question that your kids know what you expect of them. If they fail to comply with any of these requests, then you can warn them of a possible consequence. Or on the flip side, you can encourage compliance, like staying with you in a store, by offering a nominal reward in exchange for them staying near you.

Just something to think about when those “nos” and “don’ts” fly so readily from our mouths. Try a “do” instead!

“Here, let me carry that for you. I don’t want you to spill it.”
“Push your cup back from the edge of the table please.”
“Don’t forget to put a lid on your milk.”
“Be careful!!!”

All good suggestions. I’ve written about the “positives” of conflict before, but another aspect of ‘letting’ conflict happen is letting messes happen too.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not a huge fan of messes. I’ve struck a deal with my husband not to go to his side of the bed too often so that he can leave things on the floor without my tripping on them (or getting passive aggressively upset either). I would not encourage a mess if I could help it and yet, that seems to be what I’m advocating today.

How often do we move cups back from the edge of the table? Or discourage a little one’s carrying their own plate to the kitchen because we’re afraid of the mess that will occur? I find myself reminding kids to lean over their bowls or not put their sleeves in their food all the time. And let’s not forget the messes that occur when cooking with a kid or painting with them or playing in the mud. All of which sounds like such a nice idea, but I dread the clean-up, so sometimes I discourage the activity.  So then what am I really endorsing here?

I think it can be summed up as such: Cleaning up the mess can be a lesson in itself. Kids can’t predict the future as well as we can. Adults know that if you put a cup of water too close to the edge of the table, there’s a good chance that it will get knocked over. We try to help kids avoid learning that lesson through experience. We warn them of it to keep it from happening. Well done us. If we can avoid it, then by all means, let’s. But if we can’t, then sometimes knocking the cup over a few times is the best way for the message to get across. Sometimes we just have to watch the whole messy scene just play out in front of us without opening our mouths to warn of impending disaster. <Biting tongue>

One thing we can remind kids of is that if they spill it, they’re going to have to (help) clean it up. Depending on their age, ability and the nature of the mess, kids should be expected to clean up what they’ve spilled, even when it’s an accident. They should at least be a nominal help to an adult who’s cleaning it up. Giving them this little bit of responsibility may work to deter their spillage in the future or it may just allow you to go about your business while they get a towel to mop up their spilled milk. Either way, it helps you give ownership of their cups and plates back to where it belongs: in the hands of the kids.