Category: Kids

Have you ever met (or been parented by) a mother or father who was very concerned that you or someone else might hurt themselves at every turn of just about every day? Their sharp intake of breath indicating just how worried they are when they see a little one trip and fall. And even sometimes taking over a task that the child is doing because the parent is afraid that a mess will be made or that something might go wrong. I have met a couple of these parents throughout the years. The interesting thing to note is that when “overparenting” is prevalent, kids learn how not to take risks and therefore how not to build self-esteem.

There is a general feeling of worry in older people as younger people grow and become their own generation. Risky behaviors seem to always be on the rise and teenage rebellion is thought of as a given. But what if not teaching our kids how to be risk takers when they’re younger inevitably leads them to take bigger risks when they’re older? Just a thought. If it’s not made clear to you that your parents trust your ability to handle a situation that’s bigger than you are (risk!), then you probably feel a.) untrustworthy, b.) incapable, c.) childish or d.) all of the above. When parents decide to take their own risk by letting go of their children a little bit and trusting them to pick themselves up when they fall, kids learn that they are capable and worthy of that trust! What?!

For many parents, risk is just like any four letter word. They don’t want their children to be saying it, thinking it, doing it. But if they don’t take risks that are appropriate to their age, size and place in life, then when will they start to? When they’re a little older and they feel pretty powerless, leading them to take risks in unsafe ways since they never learned how to take risks in controlled situations. Or will they never learn to take a risk, which can be equally as bad. If you don’t believe that you’ll get the job and are unwilling to take the risk of trying for it, then you’re right. You won’t get the job.

Controlled risk taking builds self-esteem and actually brings about an increase in capability. Yes, your two year old might drop the plate that she’s clearing from the table and make a mess. But that small risk and leeway that you’ve given her is showing her that you think her worthy of completing the task.

So, go on, take part in some risky behavior today. Your kids might thank you tomorrow.

When people are asked why they go into non-profit work or social services, an answer that is often given is that they want to “make a difference” or have a hand in changing the world. We, as a society, see these kinds of ventures as “selfless” or sacrificing and, while we don’t value them with much money, we do express their value in words. “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Everybody loves a good Gandhi quote.

An area where this attitude of “changing the world” is a problem is when it comes to children. Helping to change their individual worlds so that there are less toxins, environmental hazards and abusive relationships is a wonderful parental responsibility. But sometimes parents take this job too far and try to change other aspects of a child’s world.

Sometimes for children who exhibit negative behaviors, excuses are made for them in school and elsewhere in their public interactions. If Luther has a hard time following directions and listening to authority figures, his parents may step in and try to explain to school officials and the like that Luther is different from other kids. He has trouble adjusting. He needs a little more freedom and space than the others do. He’s always been a little hyperactive and they just need to deal with him in this particular way.

I was talking with a teacher friend of mine a few days ago who was lamenting a student who is mocking other students, mocking her, looking for control in inappropriate ways, etc. etc. And the initial reaction by the parents of this student was filled with excuses. The gist of the message being that they expected the school to accommodate his disrespectful behaviors because that’s just “the way he is.”

Now my question for you is this: When parents defend their children in this way or expect environments to change instead of their children, how are they helping their children to learn and grow? Are they helping them at all? Are they hindering their development as individuals?

I, of course, think that I know the correct answers to these questions, but I’m open to a convincing argument. So, convince me. And help me to change my little view of the world, if indeed it does need changing.

I hear this in many forms on any given day.

“Help me!”

“I could use a little help over here.”

“Raaaahhhhh!” (frustrated! and asking for help)

It’s really easy to step in and help a child with something that is relatively easy for you and a bit tricky for them. It can bring a moment of good feeling after they thank us and return to happily playing. It’s nice to feel needed too. Or to show how much you know. “The kids will be so impressed if I can answer this totally far out question that they have.” A thought I am guilty of thinking sometimes. All of these things are really nice for adults to feel but they don’t necessarily help children learn to help themselves. When children learn to seek out answers and try to solve problems on their own, it can lead to other great things, like…growing self-esteem!, self confidence!, perseverance!, and self reliance! Things that every parent wants for their child, maybe even more than the feeling that they, as a parent, are needed.

So, what are some ways of not helping your child, while also actually helping them? Well, let me tell you.

According to Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will, stepping back from immediately aiding your child is all a part of helping him or her build autonomy. They are people, different from us, whether we like it or not. They list about a dozen steps that parents can take (and not take) to help their children become their own people.

1. Let kids make choices!– one of my favorites. I have found that when a kid has dug in their heels, giving them two choices that both lead to the same eventual result is a wonderful way to get them moving again. They have control over their lives! At least a little. And who doesn’t want that?!

2. Show respect for their struggles– if we belittle their trials by calling them “easy” (imagine saying to a one-year old just learning to walk that going up and down steps is easy), then they hear that they can’t accomplish this easy thing. I don’t know about you, but if it’s so easy, why can’t I do it?!

3. Don’t ask too many questions– when we act as though every part of their business is our business also, doesn’t that kind of blur the lines of kids’ own experiences belonging to them? They’ll tell you what they want to tell you.

4. Don’t rush to answer questions– another of my favorites! “Lava comes out of a volcano, right?” “Why do you have to put money in the parking meter?” “Where are my shoes?” All of these questions can lead to pretty cool conversations. You don’t believe me? In the first two cases, the kids have probably thought about the answers to the questions. In the last case, they’d like you to solve their problem for them. If they are empowered by our reticence to figure things out on their own, or at least meet us in the middle, just imagine how they’ll be feeling and the praise that you can heap on them.

5. Don’t talk about a child in front of him or her– it can make them seem like an object & certainly as belonging to the parent. They’re not our possessions.

6. Let child answer for himself– I like this one a lot too. Sometimes I find myself repeating questions I’ve asked of my brother because one of my parents has answered for him. So I try to keep my aim and keep my eyes on him and ask him again in order to let him know that I wanted to hear what he had to say about his own life. This one is tricky when a parent is worried about impoliteness if the child doesn’t answer a question posed by another adult. But really, if an adult asks a child a question (especially if they don’t know the kid all that well), they should be prepared for a silent stare or no answer at all.

There are more, but these are the most salient for me right now. Hope you like them. I sure did!

 

Do you want to go to the park? The answer that you receive is “No!” You pause for a second, collecting your thoughts. You did not expect that answer. You already packed a picnic. You planned to swing by the grocery store on the way home to replenish your ice cream supply (you’re almost out!). Who doesn’t want to go to the park, you think to yourself? Your kid loved the park only yesterday, telling you how much she hoped that you might go tomorrow. You thought you were being so magnanimous by offering to take her. Sigh. Where did this go wrong?

If you’re planning on doing something, then you probably shouldn’t ask your child if they want to do it as well. If the only option is that they come with you, then they’re going to have to come along. Asking a question when you might not want to hear the answer to (or adhere to the answer) isn’t really fair to your kid or you. This little move can be the beginning of a negative interaction that could have been avoided with a very simple language difference.

When children are given the power to say yes or no, they expect their wishes to be honored. They expect it often even when they are not given the option to weigh in. Which means that once they say no, they seem much more likely to resist a change to their opinion. Anyone know a stubborn child? One who is really good at letting you know how much they disapprove of your plans? I have met a few. If you want to open yourself up to a debate, then by all means, ask your child what they think of your plan, but if you’d like things to possibly go more smoothly, then simply tell your child what the plan is. You are the boss after all. You have the car keys and you’re bigger than she is.

There are, of course, ways to make telling your child of an upcoming change a bit easier. First of all, don’t pack the picnic first. If you have a kid who likes to dig their heels in, then you should probably announce, with fervor, that you are about to pack the picnic!!! A good idea is to include your child too, by giving them small responsibilities (getting out the cups) and by letting them have smaller choices than whether or not you go to the park. Offer them two different kinds of sandwich or drink so that they will be less likely to choose something that you don’t have or that you are unwilling to take to the park. This little technique can help alleviate the role of “bad guy” that you might have to play if you don’t accept your child’s answer of “no” to going out. Similar to giving children limited choices, if the plan to go to the park is already made, then it is as much out of your hands as it is out of your child’s. Being “just the way it is” is much harder to argue with than “because I said so.”

Second of all, give your child specific warnings about how long it will be before you leave. Talk to them about the things that they have to do before you leave. Sometimes you’ll be surprised by your child’s reaction when you warn them that they’ll have to get their shoes on in 10 minutes and then you find them with their shoes on ready to go before they were asked. Those little reminders help to alleviate anxiety and again make it harder to argue with the facts that are already known. If I said 10 minutes, then I meant 10 minutes. Shrug. 10 minutes have gone by. Time to go! And finally, be excited about what you’re going to be doing. Excitement can be infectious, just like worry about their negative reactions can also be infectious. Don’t let them catch that fever.

Great news: We’re going to the park in about 15 minutes! I’m going to pack us a lunch to take, but I need you to help me by picking a drink for yourself and putting it in the basket. Thank you! I can’t wait to see you go down the slide. You’re such a great climber. You’re going to need your climbing shoes. Which ones are you going to wear? But, of course, this question is only asked if you’re okay with her picking her snow boots.