Kids – Page 4 – From the Land of Pleasant Parenting

Time to go potty!

January 16, 2012 katierobinsonLeave a comment

I have a friend from college who has two kids and a blog in which he writes about their exploits (and some of his own). He wrote a post last week about his younger child and their first steps on the road to potty training. It put me in mind of some potty experiences that I’ve been having lately with a young friend of mine.

Potty training seems to be either the best or the worst. Parents often brag about their child’s ability to train themselves if it was easy for them and lament the travails of accidents and underwear if it is not. There are so many tips and techniques for quick and painless potty training that it’s difficult to choose. Parents magazine does a good job of consolidating tips from parents that have worked for them.

I have definitely been using the incentive route to promote the potty. Candy corn is hard-ish to find “out of season,” but it has become synonymous with the term “potty treat.” I had been using the potty treat simply as a reward for using the potty, but after some accidents (always occurring when play would have been interrupted by a trip to the potty), I have begun using the treat as a reward for dry pants as well. “Are your pants wet or dry?” Woo hoo! Dry pants!

Tip #7 from Parents is also a winner. A timer or potty watch that helps to remind kids that it’s time to go can give them more ownership and responsibility (ideally) over their own toileting habits.

And one idea that I’d like to try comes from Supernanny’s website. Number 8 says to set aside a special toy or book for use only on the potty. We read and sing on the potty, but having one coveted item that can only be used during potty time is just another incentive for getting there and staying there.

So, is it time to go potty? Yes!

Blue in the face

November 14, 2011 katierobinsonLeave a comment

I was recently reading an article about kids that mentioned a book by a psychiatrist named Dr. Gordon Livingston. In Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, Dr. Livingston lays out “30 true things you need to know now.”

One thing that I need to know now (and that others most likely do too) is #3: It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place. Have you ever tried to reason a kid out of a) wanting something, b) a bad mood, c) a temper tantrum, d) all of the above?

Many parents believe that they should empower their kids to make their own choices, learn to see the error of their ways and use their natural smarts to see the best solution or behavior needed to solve a problem. While these goals are admirable and seemingly progressive, they need to be tempered in order for them to be successful. Reasons for or against doing something are good to spell out for kids. But as kids are so good at doing, they draw out the conversation with “why?” and “why not?”

Child: Mama, can I have a snack?

-It’s 5:15. Dinner will be on the table very shortly. You’re in the process of making it.-

Mother: It’s almost dinnertime, so I’d like you to wait to eat until then.

Child: But why mama? I’m hungry now!

Mother: If I give you a snack now dear you won’t be hungry for your dinner.

Child: Yes I will!

Mother: Yesterday you had a snack just before dinner and then you didn’t eat your dinner, remember?

Child: But I’m hungry!!!! I want a snack! <starts to whine and cry>

Mother: I don’t want you to ruin your appetite.

Child: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Mother: But I just told you why you couldn’t my dear. Snacks before dinner fill up your belly.

Child: <yelling> Just one cookie!!!!

-At this point, the pot on the stove is boiling over, the table isn’t set and you can hear your other child starting to cry in the other room.-

Mother: Fine! One cookie!

Maybe you’re thinking that you wouldn’t have given in so fast or maybe you’re thinking that this happened only yesterday. It clearly wasn’t a fair fight. You were trying to use logic and reasoning to make your kid understand why he couldn’t have a cookie and he was not using logic and reasoning to get you to say yes. Explanations have their place with people whose brains are pretty well formed. When you’re talking to a young child who is in the throws of some emotional upheaval, reasoning isn’t going to make them snap out of it. Have you ever explained something to an upset child and had them respond with “Aha! Now I get it! Thanks for telling me why I couldn’t stay up later. I totally understand!” Never.

Since young kids are still making choices based on immediacy and wants/needs, they’re not using logic to help them decide their paths. It’s pretty silly of us, as adults, to use logic on them in return.

So do yourself a favor. Don’t get in to a lengthy discussion with a 3 year old about the whys and wherefores of going to bed on time or the importance of taking a bath. Don’t ask questions about whether or not they want to be smelly the next day because they probably won’t answer the way you want (meaning with any reasoning behind their “Yes, I want to be smelly!”). Keep things simple. Use logic, but don’t try to justify why you’re asking them or telling them to do something. You have to walk a fine line between “Washing hands after you use the potty is necessary because it kills the bad germs on your hands” & ” Because I said so!” Repetition and forming habits are more important than the whys of their habits.

So, stop debating. Have discussions with people your own age. And remember that just because they look like a little version of you doesn’t mean that they are built to accept all of the logic that you want to impart to them. Don’t talk until you’re blue in the face.

Praiseworthy!!

October 21, 2011 katierobinsonLeave a comment

Praise and positivity toward children have emerged as wonderful alternatives to the stereotypical stern, spanking parenting style of a generation ago. I have touched on my use of praise in other posts & am a big proponent of the wonders that it can achieve, but as with every good thing, you can have too much of it.

In their book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish point out some of the pros and cautions of using praise with your kids. As many moms, dads and caregivers can tell you, being specific with your praise is an important component of using it successfully. The usual example of this is that we should not call a child “a good girl” for doing something that is asked of her. Even if we do not say the opposite term when she does not follow directions, the unspoken term “bad girl” might be heard louder than we think. So to combat this problem, Faber & Mazlish have established some guidelines for more effective praise.

First, the adult should describe, with appreciation what he or she sees or feels. “I can tell that a lot of work has been put into this picture. I see so many colors and shapes! Looking at it makes me smile.”

Second, the adult does not evaluate the quality. Try not to call something good, beautiful or fantastic. It doesn’t give the child very much useful feedback. Plus the idea of describing something is so that the kid can then praise herself and build some self-confidence and pride.

Adding a word that sums up the praiseworthy behavior is like putting icing on the sweet praise cake. “You waited so nicely until I was done talking on the phone to ask me for a drink. Now that is what I call PATIENCE!!”

Cautions:

When praising, be sure not to use words that indicate past weakness or failure. “I finally see some progress on your homework.” Kid can easily hear either the disbelief, relief or resentment that comes across in that double-edged praise.

And finally, be careful not to be too enthusiastic. If you overdo it, then your child might lose some of their fervor to accomplish things for themselves. The goal of praise is certainly to build their self-image, but you want them to be the overall engineers of their sense of self.

This is just a foray into the effects and effectiveness of praise, but it’s a good bite-sized place to start.

Describe!

Try not to evaluate!

Use a positive word to sum up their behavior or accomplishment!

You can do it!

Let’s Practice!

October 11, 2011 katierobinsonLeave a comment

I used to play the piano fairly well. I wasn’t the best at practicing, but my laziness + a little musicality met in the middle to make me an adequate player. Unlike my piano playing, raising kids is hopefully a task that more people are interested in practicing. Becoming a proficient parent or caregiver is much more useful, in my opinion, than being able to play a sonata.

So how does one get better at parenting and helping children learn? Amazingly, the answer for both parenting and instrument playing is the same: Practice! How do you practice parenting? Aren’t you just doing it most of the time when you’re with your kids anyhow? Practicing indicates that this is somehow a trial run, but isn’t everyday with your kids the real performance? So again, how do you practice parenting?

One thing that parents definitely practice with their children is crossing the street. When safety is involved, parents are often very (rightly) concerned that they teach their children how to be safe in semi-dangerous situations. So why not practice many of the other behaviors that you would like your children to adopt as good habits?

One of the most important things to remember about practicing behaviors is that you should aim to do it when everything is calm. If you notice that your child is having a hard time remembering to say please, don’t just wait until you’re in the situation, they’re asking you for something & you’re not obliging because they didn’t use the magic word. Practice saying please with them in an unheated environment where you take turns passing things and saying please. Please remember to give them lots of praise specifically about the “please” or their sitting at the table for 5 minutes at a stretch (whatever the desired behavior may be) to encourage further development in the direction that you’d like them to be heading.

“Please, may I have the ball? Thank you! Your turn!”

“Daddy, ball…please.”

“Yay, you said please! Here is the ball. My turn…Please, may I have the ball?”

And you’re on a roll. Just like that, playing has turned into practicing.

You can do it! (with a little help)

September 28, 2011 katierobinsonLeave a comment

How old are kids typically when they are able to start following simple verbal directions?

Asking a two year old to do something or retrieve something for you and seeing their first compliance is like a miracle! All of a sudden your child is a little older, a little wiser and a little more able to disregard your requests. Yes!!

So now, what do you do with a two year old who is able to ignore you or does not follow through on something simple that you’d like him or her to do? They empty the box of puzzle pieces onto the floor. Then they immediately move on to another project. You slip on a puzzle piece as you come in to the room. “Uh oh, puzzle pieces everywhere. Please put them back in the box.” Your child looks up at you, then returns to the new fun they’ve found. What next? Pick them up yourself? Yell? Stand there with your mouth open? Ask again? Demand they be picked up or the child will go to time out? Hmmm…

I have an idea! Help them to do what you’ve asked of them. They might know what you’re asking, but they might not. With young kids who are just getting the hang of listening to directions, they could be “disobeying” or they could just not know what you’re talking about. So in this instance, you can get down on their level and ask again to put the pieces back in the box. Indicate the pieces & the box. Sometimes I even like to break it down and just start with the direction, “Pick up.” With two step directions (i.e. pick them up and put them in the box), little kids can get confused and even overwhelmed. We think it’s simple. They might not.

If this still gets no response, don’t worry. Take one of their hands, lay it on a puzzle piece and see what happens. Nothing? Still don’t worry. Hold their hand and help them pick up a piece with it, then place it in the box. This will probably get the ball rolling since now they have a real sense of what they’ve been asked to do. Aha! Now I get it Dad, you want me to put these things in this thing. Got it!

Your child may start to cry or fuss since they’re being taken away from something else. Just make sure that the task is manageable for them. Maybe have only 3 or 4 pieces for them to take care of, while you do the rest. Then once they have completed their part of the job, you praise the heck out of them. Telling them specifically what you liked about what they did. “You put all of the puzzle pieces IN!” They’ll start to get the idea that a) those weird shapes are called puzzle pieces and that b) this is a way to get positive attention. Kids love a good fuss when parents are making it on their behalf.

So with a little help from you (even if you did most of the clean up), they’ll start to feel some pride in their emerging abilities because you’re showing them that they should be proud of them and that you believe them capable of doing certain things. Help them to do the things that you’d like them to do. They’ll get used to it & pretty soon when it’s time for them to set the table, you’ll just have to ask and they’ll know what to do.