Category: Kids

Positivity Pays

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Don’t touch that!
Don’t hit your brother.
Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
Stop banging on the table.
Don’t run in the house.

When you’re feeling disgruntled, tired, overwhelmed, stressed or just annoyed, it’s hard to remember that negativity isn’t usually the best way to get your point across. So often when I’m saying “No,” I don’t even notice that it invariably becomes the theme of my kid-centered talking. No to this. No to that. Please stop. Even when I’m still trying to be polite, it still comes out with a negative word in it.

Negativity escapes in other ways as well. Bringing up past misbehaviors when dealing with current behaviors. “Praising” kids’ work with a caveat that something still needs improving. Looks and tone of voice give us away too. It’s difficult to stay positive. It’s difficult to try to see things from someone else’s point of view. It’s difficult to be patient. But these vague, amorphous skills will only help us be the people and the parents that we most likely strive to be.

Cheering kids on is more effective in promoting certain behaviors than telling them “don’t” is in deterring “bad” behaviors. Giving positive attention when you see something that you like is more effective than giving negative attention when you see something that you don’t like. This is true in most parts of life. Motivating others to do certain things is the secret to good leadership. Praise, positivity and being the positive person that you’d like others to be are the best ways to accomplish this.

In The Trouble with saying No, I discuss having replacement words and directions that tell kids what to do, not what not to do. This can be a good place to start without having to change your entire attitude. Just change some small words first and maybe it’ll be easier for your demeanor to follow.

If you can become the master of positivity, just think what messages your kids will glean from that. Just like you, they’ll know that positivity pays!

Young at Heart

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Now that summer is here & kids are out of school, it is time for grown ups to embrace their inner kid as well. If you don’t like visiting the playground or spending time at the pool or playing in the backyard or going for walks or riding bikes or any of the other myriad of summer activities that kids tend to L-O-V-E, you might need a quick refresher on being young at heart.

So how does one get back in touch with their inner child? I have a few ideas. Some sound a little unpleasant at first, but we adults need to push through some uncomfortableness before we see the fun on the other side.

1) GET YOUR CLOTHES WET…WHILE YOU’RE WEARING THEM
This can be a water balloon toss, a trip through the sprinkler, chasing each other with the hose, playing at the water table, exploring the creek in the woods or whatever else you can think of. I don’t like to get my clothes wet because besides being a little uncomfortable once your shorts are sticking to you, it also means that you have to do some extra and immediate laundry. But this is the perfect reason to do it. Forget about the responsibility that goes along with cleaning up after yourself and just try to have some sticky fun.


2) BLOW BUBBLES
Bubbles! Another great example of something icky, sticky and wonderful. Kids love chasing bubbles & even adults have to admit that there’s something pretty magical about a cloud of bubbles floating on the breeze. Don’t worry about the fact that the bubble bottle is getting low (get some backups!) or that your fingers are glued together with soap. Just blow bubbles and watch your kids have a good time. I dare you not to laugh.


3) CLIMB A TREE
Ack! What? Climbing trees is a dangerous activity! And also just about the coolest skill to have as a kid. Find a nice low tree (with sturdy branches) and climb on up. Have a sit. Look at the world from a little higher off the ground (even if it’s only about 5 feet). Imagine what it must be like to be a bird or the Swiss Family Robinson and actually LIVE IN A TREE! Teach your kids how to do it a little too. They’ll want to with or without your guidance and spotting, so you might as well be there to spot them.


There are plenty of other ways to try to bring kid-dom back into your mind. Get hot and sweaty chasing your kids (or other adults). Stay up late on the longest day of the year and wait until it’s completely dark out before you go in. Eat outside. Take a ride on a swing. Smile. Laugh.

Happy summer! I hope you’re having fun, finding free-time and putting on sunscreen with a sense of youthful adventure and possibility.

Sit! Stay! Here boy!

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I realize that the title of this blog makes allusions to myself in the form of Cesar Milan, otherwise known as the Dog Whisperer. It makes me seem like I ascribe to his teachings, but have subjects in human form instead. While much of what he does has no bearing on kids, there are certain aspects of training, humans and animals, that overlap.

Perhaps the most salient of these comparisons are those direct and simple “commands” that children and dogs must listen to in order to keep them and others safe. Stay! Come here! Stop!

Most every parent has experienced the anxiety that comes with increased mobility in their children. Once a baby starts crawling and exploring their world, so much of a parent’s role seems to be goal tending; protecting their belongings and their child from a disastrous meeting. These anxieties only increase as a child’s world grows from their living room to the backyard to the playground to the city sidewalks and on. So what are some ways that parents let their kids know that they’re getting too far ahead? Or that they’re approaching a street and need to stop? Or that it’s time to leave the park, but they’re kind of far from you? What are your signals? Hopefully not too much yelling and chasing are involved, but these have been known to happen.

I’ve been working on perfecting some signals that are specific to the kids that I take care of. That way when we’re on a crowded playground with lots of yelling, they’ll know that I’m “talking” to them.

#1. The ever favorite name call. “Jackson!” If you can get eye contact, even from a distance, then you’re off to a good start. Now you can proceed to signal with your hands or yell a little more to let them know what it is you need.

#2. “Freeze!” We use this one when exploring the woods. They can get pretty far ahead when they’re really going & sometimes I can’t see around those bends in the road. It’s short. I can yell it pretty loudly. And it’s not a remonstrance. Just a simple command that we’ve practiced & for which they’ve gotten praise when done. Sometimes I even unfreeze them with a touch or a hug or some “abracadabra” hand gestures.

#3. My current favorite, whistling. I have found the loudest range of my whistling & turned it into a signal that gets the 3 kids I watch to look at me. Since I’ve been working on it with them, they’ve gotten more used to it. I generally just use it to say “uh uh, put that rock down” without any words. It can be the signal for slowing down or returning to me if they’ve ridden their bike a little too far ahead. So far, it’s working brilliantly. And at least in this instance, I do feel a little like Cesar Milan. All it takes is a few notes, some eye contact, a wave or a shake of the head and they’re back on track. Hurrah! And I didn’t have to yell! Pucker up.

And so I leave you with quite the whistler. He must have no trouble getting his kids’ attention in a crowd.

How was school today?

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It’s 3:30. Your kids just got home from school. They’ve hung up their things, unpacked their bags, put their shoes where they belong. Wonderful! All of those routines are working well.

Since you don’t have to nag anybody, you ask them how their day was instead. Novel idea. But…your question is met with a) silence, b) a shrug, c) a grunt or d) “Fine.” Every parent has encountered this situation and what often ensues is a parental version of 20 questions (I find myself playing this one-sided game too often as well).

“Did you play with your friends?”

“What was for lunch?”

“How did math go?”

“Was Jessie in school today?”

“How was Ms. Jackson?”

“Did you have fun?”

I have run up against this problem and heard variations of it enough to wonder if there isn’t a better way to encourage kids to share. I still find myself getting a little annoyed with my parents if I feel like I’m being interrogated. So I thought and thought…and came up with an idea!

Why not give our kids conversation prompts similar to the writing prompts offered at school?

“Today, I saw…”

“Today, I smelled…”

“Today, I talked to…”

“Today, I felt…”

“Today, I heard…”

“Today, I laughed because…”

“Today, I learned…”

If we take part in this activity and model it for our kids, it might encourage them to think about the things that they experienced during the day. It certainly would require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from them in response to one of our questions.

Maybe try it out as part of an afternoon snack routine. You can be silly with your thoughts too so that everyday doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of emotions. It’s just a good start for your child to talk to you about their day and their experiences.

“Today, I smelled the flowers blooming outside.”