Category: Change

1-2-3 Magic  is officially in the bag. I read the entirety of it and have taken copious notes to add to my personal knowledge.

I really liked the book and it made me feel a tad more secure in things that I’ve already been doing, but could be construed as a little mean (i.e. ignoring temper tantrums and other negative behaviors). One of the most important points of the book is that parents tend to talk too much and have too much emotion when disciplining their kids. Parents get angry or want to reason with their kids, thinking that this will help their kids become reasonable people. While both of these reactions are very normal when dealing with a child whose behavior is irking you, neither of them helps the situation get resolved.

Talking too much lets kids know that if they keep asking questions or arguing, then they may never have any consequences. I have seen kids wear their parents down after naughty behavior so that no consequences are doled out. I have also seen parents practically forget about naughty behavior because too much time has elapsed since the incident and the child has had plenty of conversation to calm themselves down. This makes parents sometimes doubt the point of giving a consequence because the child will have little connection to the problem and is logical again (which is all the parents wanted in the first place). Another problem with talking to much is that it can lead to more frustration on the parent’s part, which can lead to anger, yelling and even hitting. Many wordy explanations of “no nos” also go right over kids’ heads. “Well they still don’t get it, maybe I should draw them a diagram…” Or maybe you should stop talking. Silence can often get the message across much more than words can.

Switching gears a bit, I spent time with extended family this weekend and they were all curious to hear about my ideas for child raising, since a few of them are parents of young children and many of them are parents of grown children. The old argument for some sort of spanking was brought up by one family member. He was not necessarily advocating spanking, but like many adults, had been spanked as a child and thought that it did the trick in scaring him away from disappointing his parents. While it’s hard to argue against what was “perfectly good for me,” I did tell him that parents are the model of adulthood and grown up living for their children. If they lash out, get angry, or use violence, then their kids are more likely to do so as well. Shaping the type of people they become isn’t only a matter of getting them not to do certain things. In fact, it’s more important that you get them to do certain things (hence the Start behaviors described in the post Parenting Books).

So if you’re in the market for a new frame of reference or are worried about any negative behaviors that you might be contributing to, take a look. It’s in a book.

Kicking, hitting, screaming, mouthing off and other large scale disruptive behaviors are the ones most often seen on TV as needed to be corrected by the Supernanny. It’s so, isn’t it? Yes. Most often there is a family struggling to control their young children who essentially run all over them, disregarding any imaginary rules or boundaries in their paths. This makes for good television and is easy for other parents and people to watch because the children that they have or know aren’t nearly so poorly behaved.

But thinking about it tonight, I came to the conclusion, at least for now, that kicking, hitting and the like are sometimes the easiest things to discipline. When your child is punching you in the face, even if you are unsure of where to start, you at least are usually aware that this is unacceptable behavior and that you’d like it to stop. That means that dealing with an aggressive child is not an easy way of beginning to implement discipline, but it is very straightforward. “I am putting you on the step (naughty corner, time-out, etc.) because you were hitting. Hitting is not acceptable and if you do it, you will sit on the step.” Straightforward.

When you have a child who is more prone to passive aggressive behaviors, or whining, or tantruming because he or she hasn’t gotten what they wanted, then sometimes there seems to be a fuzzy line when it comes to discipline. The truth is that not every situation that involves these three things listed (minus the other in-between situations that parents are faced with) calls for a time-out or some sort of response from the parent. And that can lead to a whole other problem. Instead of not knowing how to respond, not needing to respond, but responding anyway. I think that will be saved for another day though.

So while it’s easy to see misbehaving children and thank your lucky stars that your children are better behaved, it isn’t always so easy to deal with behaviors that are more under the surface. It takes more creativity, more finesse and often more thoughtfulness. In the meantime, no hitting please.