Category: Behaviors

Do you want to go to the park? The answer that you receive is “No!” You pause for a second, collecting your thoughts. You did not expect that answer. You already packed a picnic. You planned to swing by the grocery store on the way home to replenish your ice cream supply (you’re almost out!). Who doesn’t want to go to the park, you think to yourself? Your kid loved the park only yesterday, telling you how much she hoped that you might go tomorrow. You thought you were being so magnanimous by offering to take her. Sigh. Where did this go wrong?

If you’re planning on doing something, then you probably shouldn’t ask your child if they want to do it as well. If the only option is that they come with you, then they’re going to have to come along. Asking a question when you might not want to hear the answer to (or adhere to the answer) isn’t really fair to your kid or you. This little move can be the beginning of a negative interaction that could have been avoided with a very simple language difference.

When children are given the power to say yes or no, they expect their wishes to be honored. They expect it often even when they are not given the option to weigh in. Which means that once they say no, they seem much more likely to resist a change to their opinion. Anyone know a stubborn child? One who is really good at letting you know how much they disapprove of your plans? I have met a few. If you want to open yourself up to a debate, then by all means, ask your child what they think of your plan, but if you’d like things to possibly go more smoothly, then simply tell your child what the plan is. You are the boss after all. You have the car keys and you’re bigger than she is.

There are, of course, ways to make telling your child of an upcoming change a bit easier. First of all, don’t pack the picnic first. If you have a kid who likes to dig their heels in, then you should probably announce, with fervor, that you are about to pack the picnic!!! A good idea is to include your child too, by giving them small responsibilities (getting out the cups) and by letting them have smaller choices than whether or not you go to the park. Offer them two different kinds of sandwich or drink so that they will be less likely to choose something that you don’t have or that you are unwilling to take to the park. This little technique can help alleviate the role of “bad guy” that you might have to play if you don’t accept your child’s answer of “no” to going out. Similar to giving children limited choices, if the plan to go to the park is already made, then it is as much out of your hands as it is out of your child’s. Being “just the way it is” is much harder to argue with than “because I said so.”

Second of all, give your child specific warnings about how long it will be before you leave. Talk to them about the things that they have to do before you leave. Sometimes you’ll be surprised by your child’s reaction when you warn them that they’ll have to get their shoes on in 10 minutes and then you find them with their shoes on ready to go before they were asked. Those little reminders help to alleviate anxiety and again make it harder to argue with the facts that are already known. If I said 10 minutes, then I meant 10 minutes. Shrug. 10 minutes have gone by. Time to go! And finally, be excited about what you’re going to be doing. Excitement can be infectious, just like worry about their negative reactions can also be infectious. Don’t let them catch that fever.

Great news: We’re going to the park in about 15 minutes! I’m going to pack us a lunch to take, but I need you to help me by picking a drink for yourself and putting it in the basket. Thank you! I can’t wait to see you go down the slide. You’re such a great climber. You’re going to need your climbing shoes. Which ones are you going to wear? But, of course, this question is only asked if you’re okay with her picking her snow boots.

While I am not 26, my brother very recently reached that ripe old age. We spent the weekend with him and my parents to celebrate his birthday and spend some time together as a family. They live out of state, so we don’t see them all too often and when we do, it generally involves a lot of togetherness time.

My brother is developmentally disabled and while he seems pretty old and should therefore be pretty capable, he is not. He gets angry over small things, obsesses on equally small things and has trouble expressing his feelings in appropriate ways. Some of these behaviors were seen this weekend, as just a few hours spent with him will make them difficult to avoid.

I try my best not to interfere too much in the systems that my parents have in place since they spend time with him day in and day out, but occasionally, a correction from me is called for. This weekend I found the theme of these to be that I needed to provide my brother with the words to express what he wanted before or even during a small temper tantrum so that his feelings of frustration could be alleviated. I also often find myself doing this with a young friend of mine (a 3 year old). They both want something. Sometimes it is clear to you without them telling you and sometimes it is not, but when they feel themselves being thwarted from getting it (even if it is something that they would be allowed to have), their immediate reactions involve a bit of yelling, sometimes crying and general incoherence. In these cases, I try to begin sentences for both of them that would help them get what they want. “Katie, can I please…?” And amazingly enough, when you open your mouth to speak rather than to cry or grumble, you get more of what you want than if you tried it the other way.

Candy, please!