Category: Behaviors

I listened to a lot of musicals growing up. A lot. In The Sound of Music, the fair heroine, Maria, attempts to bolster her confidence in moving from the nunnery to a grand house to look after 7 children by singing just that: “I have confidence in me!”

So I got to thinking: is the best trick to gaining confidence simply to sing about it? Tell yourself it’s so and magically, it is! Or is the way to gain confidence only through failing? Can slowing down and regaining your sense of balance also bring you confidence? I read a local Baltimore blog today that touched on these feelings of shakiness as they relate to parenting. I too have been feeling these wobblings in my self-confidence. Building a business is a daunting thing for so many reasons. Lately I’ve been feeling like I should sing my way up a mountain pretty soon just to convince myself that I am capable!

Parents need a confidence boost and so does the person who’s coaching them. Interesting. So how do we get one? I’ve heard singing for an answer. Anyone else? Faking it? Laying off the self-deprecating humor? Being kind to oneself? Perhaps confidence doesn’t come from how many proverbial balls you’ve got in the air and your ability to keep them there. Perhaps confidence comes from small successes in life. I’ve touched on helping children to build self-confidence in little ways, so maybe I should look to my own advice. Achieving small things tends to boost feelings of confidence in me (and in kids). When I can check a self-imposed responsibility off of my list, then I feel pretty good about myself for a little while. Maybe just performing our usual responsibilities is enough to make us feel confident in our ability to do more?

I guess I should really tackle my to-do list then and put one thing on it that will cause me to go outside my comfort zone. But once I complete that uncomfortable task, perhaps I’ll feel more like singing.

“I have confidence that spring will come again, besides which you see, I have confidence in me!”

When I was teaching, I used to hear this statement from parents quite often. I didn’t see many parents during those years (and some I never met), but when we got together to discuss educational or behavioral goals for their kids, they so often agreed with what school staff were saying, but did not know how to help their kids meet those goals. Their responses would invariably be that they had been telling their child not to be late for school or telling them not to disrespect school staff.

As soon as I heard those “telling” words, I knew that change was going to be hard for this kid as well as for their parents. The point that was hard to convey was that telling them really wasn’t enough, especially when their child is 14 or 15 and has been “told” many things that aren’t backed up. These can come in the form of broken promises or empty threats.

The lack of follow through and support from my students’ homes made it all the more vital and  challenging for me to follow through when I said I was going to do something. It wasn’t always easy to do and sometimes I slipped, but trying to give them something to count on, even if it was unpleasant was crucial to making their year even moderately successful.

So what’s the moral of this story?

Maybe it is: Show them, don’t tell them.

If you want your child to be disciplined, then show them what discipline in your own environment looks like. If you want them to be friendly, show them what being friendly looks like. If you want them to look both ways before they cross the street, make a point of showing them how you look both ways before crossing the street.

So don’t just keep on telling them.