Category: Behaviors

Reward and praise YOURSELF for change!

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You’ve been thinking lately about how you shy away from enforcing consequences with your kids. Or you’ve been pondering how to make your patience last a little bit longer. You’ve been wondering how you can fit in some more play time with your kids without neglecting your other duties. CONTEMPLATING CHANGE is the one of the first steps of realizing change! Good on you!

Changing any behaviors, habits or thoughts is a tricky business. Just try to tell yourself not to get mad at your kids or your spouse for the same thing you were mad about yesterday. Talking yourself into thinking or behaving differently takes a lot of practice! We reward kids with praise, stickers, extra incentives, etc. when we see them changing for the better. An M&M for a successful trip to the potty! Extra play time when they’ve been kind and caring with their siblings. A special treat at the store when their behavior has been excellent. So why are we not rewarded for doing something infinitely harder? Changing ourselves.

#1) Try setting small goals for yourself that have a tangible reward at the end. This takes a bit of self control, but it also calls your attention to specific things that you’d like to concentrate on. For instance:

– I’m going to fully listen to what my child says without interrupting 3x times today!
– I’m going to count to 5 when I feel my patience going 3x times today before I speak!
– I’m going to say 5 positive things to my child this afternoon while we’re working on homework!
Pick just one of these on any given day (or obviously make up your own depending on your kids & you), and work it in. Then reward yourself with a free half hour once the kids are asleep (no laundry folding, no phone calls, just relaxing).

#2) Get your partner, spouse or friend on your side. Tell them what you’re trying to achieve and then allow them to give you encouragement, praise and a pat on the back once you have done it.

#3) Don’t forget to forgive yourself if you don’t manage it today. There’s always tomorrow. Your reward will still be waiting for you.

#4) Reward the small steps along the way. This will help you build confidence in your ability to change & show yourself that you can be successful in moving toward certain goals.

Maybe once you get a few successes under your belt, then you can get a massage or buy yourself a new piece of clothing. Whatever it is that’s going to help you stay on track, use it! Not only will you feel more relaxed after a massage, you’ll also feel more relaxed and confident after averting yelling at your kids. All the while showing them that if they want to see a change in themselves, they can manage it just like you!

Two thumbs up! Practice practice practice!

Sit! Stay! Here boy!

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I realize that the title of this blog makes allusions to myself in the form of Cesar Milan, otherwise known as the Dog Whisperer. It makes me seem like I ascribe to his teachings, but have subjects in human form instead. While much of what he does has no bearing on kids, there are certain aspects of training, humans and animals, that overlap.

Perhaps the most salient of these comparisons are those direct and simple “commands” that children and dogs must listen to in order to keep them and others safe. Stay! Come here! Stop!

Most every parent has experienced the anxiety that comes with increased mobility in their children. Once a baby starts crawling and exploring their world, so much of a parent’s role seems to be goal tending; protecting their belongings and their child from a disastrous meeting. These anxieties only increase as a child’s world grows from their living room to the backyard to the playground to the city sidewalks and on. So what are some ways that parents let their kids know that they’re getting too far ahead? Or that they’re approaching a street and need to stop? Or that it’s time to leave the park, but they’re kind of far from you? What are your signals? Hopefully not too much yelling and chasing are involved, but these have been known to happen.

I’ve been working on perfecting some signals that are specific to the kids that I take care of. That way when we’re on a crowded playground with lots of yelling, they’ll know that I’m “talking” to them.

#1. The ever favorite name call. “Jackson!” If you can get eye contact, even from a distance, then you’re off to a good start. Now you can proceed to signal with your hands or yell a little more to let them know what it is you need.

#2. “Freeze!” We use this one when exploring the woods. They can get pretty far ahead when they’re really going & sometimes I can’t see around those bends in the road. It’s short. I can yell it pretty loudly. And it’s not a remonstrance. Just a simple command that we’ve practiced & for which they’ve gotten praise when done. Sometimes I even unfreeze them with a touch or a hug or some “abracadabra” hand gestures.

#3. My current favorite, whistling. I have found the loudest range of my whistling & turned it into a signal that gets the 3 kids I watch to look at me. Since I’ve been working on it with them, they’ve gotten more used to it. I generally just use it to say “uh uh, put that rock down” without any words. It can be the signal for slowing down or returning to me if they’ve ridden their bike a little too far ahead. So far, it’s working brilliantly. And at least in this instance, I do feel a little like Cesar Milan. All it takes is a few notes, some eye contact, a wave or a shake of the head and they’re back on track. Hurrah! And I didn’t have to yell! Pucker up.

And so I leave you with quite the whistler. He must have no trouble getting his kids’ attention in a crowd.

How was school today?

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It’s 3:30. Your kids just got home from school. They’ve hung up their things, unpacked their bags, put their shoes where they belong. Wonderful! All of those routines are working well.

Since you don’t have to nag anybody, you ask them how their day was instead. Novel idea. But…your question is met with a) silence, b) a shrug, c) a grunt or d) “Fine.” Every parent has encountered this situation and what often ensues is a parental version of 20 questions (I find myself playing this one-sided game too often as well).

“Did you play with your friends?”

“What was for lunch?”

“How did math go?”

“Was Jessie in school today?”

“How was Ms. Jackson?”

“Did you have fun?”

I have run up against this problem and heard variations of it enough to wonder if there isn’t a better way to encourage kids to share. I still find myself getting a little annoyed with my parents if I feel like I’m being interrogated. So I thought and thought…and came up with an idea!

Why not give our kids conversation prompts similar to the writing prompts offered at school?

“Today, I saw…”

“Today, I smelled…”

“Today, I talked to…”

“Today, I felt…”

“Today, I heard…”

“Today, I laughed because…”

“Today, I learned…”

If we take part in this activity and model it for our kids, it might encourage them to think about the things that they experienced during the day. It certainly would require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from them in response to one of our questions.

Maybe try it out as part of an afternoon snack routine. You can be silly with your thoughts too so that everyday doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of emotions. It’s just a good start for your child to talk to you about their day and their experiences.

“Today, I smelled the flowers blooming outside.”

Judgment Day: Criticizing Parents

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The “modern parenting” landscape is awash with advice, tell-alls, no-nos, craft ideas and stories of real life. Two weeks ago another look at a modern parent garnered a lot of buzz and a lot of scrutiny. Dara-Lynn Weiss wrote a piece for Vogue about the year long weight-loss plan/diet that she put her 7-year old daughter on. This piece has received so much attention (almost all of it negative), that it got me thinking about criticism and judgment, of both parents and kids.

So, have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help calm the child down. What’s the matter with that parent? Why aren’t they trying to get the kid quiet?
2.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent is also yelling and being forceful with their child. What’s the matter with that parent? Don’t they know that yelling won’t solve the problem?
3.) You’re in a store where a kid is running around willy nilly. The parent is asking them to stop and quiet down. The child doesn’t seem to be listening. What’s that matter with that parent? Why aren’t they making their kid listen to them?

Or have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to ignore their outburst as a way of dealing with it. But while you do this, you’re sweating and feeling that you should be able to control your child better than this. Bad Parent!
2.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to subdue them with the methods that you normally use, but things aren’t going well. You’re starting to lose your temper. Oh no! Bad Parent!
3.) You’re in a store where your kid is running around willy nilly. They have a lot of excess energy and you want them to be able to get out some of their wiggles before you head to the library. But you feel that they should be listening better. What to do next? Bad Parent!

Parents today can be in the dangerous and isolating position of feeling judged by passers-by, family, friends and themselves. Feeling judged is one of the things that people are supposed to be impervious to once they become parents. The familiar motto is something like, “If it’s in the best interest of my kids, then I don’t care what others think.” {Incidentally, the phrase “best interests of the child” indicates the factors taken into consideration by the courts when making decisions in child welfare cases.} I myself have encouraged parents to follow their own internal voices and try to ignore looks from people in public while they discipline or attempt to calm their children. It’s not an easy feat. Feeling judged by yourself for some sort of parental “ineptitude” is another very real danger.

I would argue that the responsibility of overcoming feelings of judgment (both from internal and external sources) does not rest solely on the parents. As we (members of society) continue the cycle of thinking that we know what’s best for other people’s children, we will continue to judge those people for not acting in different ways. And parents will continue to judge themselves as well.

The same website that first called foul on Dara-Lynn Weiss has also published an admonition of those of us who are “shaming” Ms. Weiss with our criticism. It rightly points out that the criticism that is being flung at Ms. Weiss can be equated to the criticism that she doled out to her daughter while trying to change her eating habits. If we (adults!) continue to judge parents so harshly and so loudly for their “failings”, then what messages are we passing on to their kids and ours? Is the moral of the story that judging others is simply our right or responsibility? If so, then we will only be encouraging that behavior in our children as they grow and become more vocal; teaching them to use their newfound voices to criticise.
It’s difficult to stop yourself from judging others, but if you find yourself in a store with a screaming child nearby (be it yours or someone else’s) TRY to restrain yourself. If not for the parents or yourself, then do it for the kids.

GUEST AUTHOR: Temper Tantrums!

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Hello everybody. I asked one of my best friends, Caitlin, to be a guest author for Kid Whisperer and share some of her prodigious knowledge with us. Not only do I like her a lot, she’s also a super smarty pants. Caitlin taught in NYC for 5 years before heading west to be a PhD candidate at the University of Oregon in Special Education. And here is what she has to say about temper tantrums!

 

You’re in line at the grocery store waiting to pay. You’d hoped it would be a quick trip, suddenly, you sense things might not go your way:

Mom, I want these Fruit Loops!

No buddy, those aren’t healthy, and we’re just picking up dinner. It’s time to pay.

But I want them!

I understand, but the answer is no. Go put those back please, and let’s go.

 

You see it coming. You don’t know how to stop it.

It’s not fair!! I want them! You NEVER let me have them!

 

It starts with foot stomping, the fists are balled, the sirening yowl, tears, and screaming accusations.

I want them! I need them! Why can’t I just have them?!?!?! You are SOOOOOO mean!

 

It’s here: The Temper Tantrum.

You feel the eyes of the cashier, the judgment of the mother behind you with the perfectly quiet little girl happily hugging her box of shredded wheat. You know you have to act, but what to do? You want to be cool, calm, collected, but firm. But you’re next in line, and the screaming is so obnoxious. What to do?? Do you squash it, put forth the face of discipline? Do you just scoop her up, abandon your groceries, and retreat to the car? Do you just buy the Fruit Loops? Do you ignore her, and all the stares, and go to your Zen spot?

What to do???

It turns out that none of those (completely natural) instincts will get you very far when dealing with a temper tantrum. When a child is spiraling out of control, she simply isn’t going to receive the message from any lessons or clearly given consequences. And buying the Fruit Loops just lets her know that any time she’s not getting her way, all she’s got to do is throw a tantrum, and you’ll give in. Ignoring her won’t help either, because she’s clearly losing control, and needs some help. Scooping her up and leaving might be tempting, but then you have no groceries, and you’re still giving in to the tantrum.

Rather, the best way to deal with a tantrum is to calmly disengage, and focus on de-escalating.

But what does that mean?

It means that, for the moment, you ignore the judgments, you ignore the fact that this is unacceptable behavior, and you recognize that your child isn’t in a healthy place. You talk her down. This doesn’t mean that you give in – we’ll get to consequences later – or give her all kinds of positive attention for the inappropriate behaviors, but rather that you deal with the situation in front of you as it is – a kid in the midst of a behavioral crisis.

So what does that look like?

A tantrum is a loss of emotional control. So de-escalating a tantrum is a process of helping a child regain control. It helps to acknowledge how the child is feeling, and give her clear steps to take toward regaining control herself.

Wow buddy, you really are upset about these Fruit Loops.

Are you feeling angry?

 

At this point, it might help to physically move to kid-level, and speak in quiet tones, modeling calm behavior.

I can see that you’re really mad, and I want to help you figure this out.

But it’s really hard for me when you’re yelling and screaming. Let’s try taking a few deep breaths and see if we can figure this out.

 

Praise the child for taking a deep breath. If she’s not buying that, provide a clear choice, but still gently move toward de-escalation.

I know how mad you are. We’re going to figure this out, but we have to be able to talk to each other. Let’s find a way to calm down. Would you like to take a drink of water or count to ten?

 

Maybe at this point you move out of line to a quieter place. If you’re really feeling uncomfortable with those looks from the other adults, give them a knowing smile, and let them know you’re handling it.

Once the child is calm, let her know she did a good job. Don’t over-do it on the positives – you don’t want this de-escalation process to become a rewarding parent-attention moment – but let her know that she made a good choice, and help her continue to move into a calm state.

By now, she’s probably exhausted, so at this point, it’s time to let her know the next steps, and head on out of the grocery store. Minimize the Fruit Loops, keep her calm, and provide clear expectations.

I like how calm you are, and we are going to work this problem out together. Right now we have to get home for dinner, though, so we’re going to pay for our groceries, and we’ll talk about our problem in the car. We’re going to work on staying calm together. I love how you’re holding my hand and waiting in line with me.

 

And that should do it. You should both get out in one piece.

It’s important at this point to think about consequences. This doesn’t mean you give a lecture or yell once you hit the privacy of your car. But it does mean that you send a clear message that tantrums aren’t acceptable behavior. This can happen in the car, or a little bit later at dinner – don’t let it go until next week. Maybe you talk about other ways to deal with frustration on the way home. Maybe you talk about how Fruit Loops can become a small reward for using those frustration techniques (if you’re comfortable with that). And maybe you talk about a loss of a privilege (a daily treat of some sort) for this, and future tantrums. Then, the next time you see one brewing, you can remind your child of all of these pieces, and help her avoid the tantrum.

Prevention is really your best friend here, but that’s for another time (and perhaps another post). But tantrums happen, and they are not fun to deal with. Knowing how to de-escalate the situation, and not get caught contributing to the giant, spiraling outburst can take you far. And who knows, when you talk your kid down, all those looks in the grocery store might actually turn into smiles of admiration. Because we all know tantrums, and now you’ll know how to deal with them.