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The trouble with saying “No!”

katierobinson1 Comment

Just yesterday I was hanging out with a young friend of mine. She’s 2 and a half and we were looking at a holiday train display. Exciting!! So exciting in fact that lots of other children and their grown-ups were there. Everyone was vying for an optimal view and button pushing position (to make things go round or light up), including my young friend. Naturally this jockeying occasionally led to some pushing and pulling by the kids who were there enjoying the festivities.

Forgetting my own pontifications for a moment, I found myself pulling my young friend aside when I would see some pushing. I asked her not to push, explaining that we would have to say goodbye to the trains if she pushed other kids. Inevitably there was more pushing and I picked her up, telling her why we had to say goodbye to the trains (for a minute at least). I was trying to make a link between getting to enjoy the trains and not pushing. When pushing happens, we have to step away and not do something fun for a minute. Now this is not entirely wrong when trying to solve the problem. But I forgot one crucial thing until nearly after the fact. I did not offer her a replacement behavior or a behavior that I’d like to see instead of pushing. I asked her not to push, but I didn’t tell her what to do instead.

Lucky for me, I had the opportunity to remember when she was playing at a train table a little while later and pushed a child who had rather forcibly taken what she was playing with. This wasn’t my finest moment either. I swooped in, picked her up, asked her to apologize and immediately left, still talking about “no pushing, when you push, we have to stop playing” etc.

Only once we were safely in the car did it occur to me to practice with her what she should do instead of pushing. She’s 2 right, so I know that long explanations and out of context lessons might be pointless, but I was hoping that since we had just left, I could still squeeze some life out of “the incident.”

So the conversation went something like this:

Me: You have to use nice hands when you’re playing with other kids. Nice hands take turns and share. If someone takes a toy from you, you can say “My turn!”

Child: My turn!

Me: Right! And if they don’t give it back, you can say, “Katie! My turn!”

Child: Hatie! My turn!

Now I know that this tiny little on-the-go lesson is not going to stop the pushing that occurs when frustration rises in this little girl for whatever reasons. But it’s important to lay the groundwork somewhere. We can now have more conversations about nice hands. I can show how “nice hands” play, share and take turns. Her stuffed animals can have “nice hands.” I can also commend her when I see her using “nice hands” instead of force!! I, hopefully, have created an opportunity to praise the right behavior rather than simply negating the wrong one. Reinforcing the right behavior lets kids know what they should be doing.

If only I had thought of it earlier. Ah well. Practice makes perfect?

Balancing nature & nurture

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The age-old argument pitting nature and nurture against each other as opposites is, for my taste, too dichotomous. As almost every rational person will tell you, you cannot choose solely to parent as a “naturist” or a “nurturer” when raising children. Instead parents are faced with the question of when they should allow nature (or natural consequences) to direct behavior and when they should step in to guide, enforce rules, etc.  Should I interfere or should I see how it plays out?

 If two kids are playing in the basement and one starts to cry, what should the immediate response be? I know that there are other questions that would be asked of me if I were not simply typing this into outer space, like: How old are the kids? How often does one or the other start to cry? Do they play well together? Are there things in the basement that might hurt a child? What kind of cry is it? All valid questions. But as often happens, parents or caregivers might not know the answers to all of these questions.

So instead, as a caregiver, I find myself hovering at the top of the stairs, out of sight, but listening to see what happens next. Maybe it was a cry of frustration and the child rights herself quickly. Maybe it was a little hurt, a trip or a bump and the child can either shake it off or magically, their companion comforts them. Maybe it was an “I’m bleeding and scared!!!!” cry. Whatever the problem is, it is generally tricky to stop oneself from reacting right away.

Being too quick to respond can lead to problems for kids. If they don’t know how to negotiate a solution to everyday problems (i.e. arguing over a toy) without an adult stepping in to help, then their ability to a) cope with disappointment when they don’t get the toy & b) express themselves to get what they want may be impeded. If the natural consequence to their crying does not include getting the toy from the other child, then perhaps they will begin to learn that crying for things doesn’t get them for you. It might be a noisy and anxiety provoking lesson for parents, but it could be useful for the kid.

On the other side of the coin, allowing children to do as they please or take care of themselves from too young an age are very “naturist” ways of parenting. Without bedtimes, structured meals, house rules and expectations, parents are asking for another series of problems. Maybe your child is very good at negotiating with other kids and with you because they’ve been given too much practice at having control over their environment. They can talk you out of making them go to bed on time. Or they can simply distract you until their bedtime is long past.

Parenting is about walking the line in between these two “choices.” Kids need guidance, structure and discipline. But they also need to be able to explore on their own, pick themselves up when they fall and have a sense of individuality. It’s not always easy to decide what response you should give, so try to act proportionally. Walk the line & try to keep your balance.

 

Blue in the face

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I was recently reading an article about kids that mentioned a book by a psychiatrist named Dr. Gordon Livingston. In Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, Dr. Livingston lays out “30 true things you need to know now.”

One thing that I need to know now (and that others most likely do too) is #3: It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place. Have you ever tried to reason a kid out of a) wanting something, b) a bad mood, c) a temper tantrum, d) all of the above?

Many parents believe that they should empower their kids to make their own choices, learn to see the error of their ways and use their natural smarts to see the best solution or behavior needed to solve a problem. While these goals are admirable and seemingly progressive, they need to be tempered in order for them to be successful. Reasons for or against doing something are good to spell out for kids. But as kids are so good at doing, they draw out the conversation with “why?” and “why not?”

Child: Mama, can I have a snack?

-It’s 5:15. Dinner will be on the table very shortly. You’re in the process of making it.-

Mother: It’s almost dinnertime, so I’d like you to wait to eat until then.

Child: But why mama? I’m hungry now!

Mother: If I give you a snack now dear you won’t be hungry for your dinner.

Child: Yes I will!

Mother: Yesterday you had a snack just before dinner and then you didn’t eat your dinner, remember?

Child: But I’m hungry!!!! I want a snack! <starts to whine and cry>

Mother: I don’t want you to ruin your appetite.

Child: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Mother: But I just told you why you couldn’t my dear. Snacks before dinner fill up your belly.

Child: <yelling> Just one cookie!!!!

-At this point, the pot on the stove is boiling over, the table isn’t set and you can hear your other child starting to cry in the other room.-

Mother: Fine! One cookie!

Maybe you’re thinking that you wouldn’t have given in so fast or maybe you’re thinking that this happened only yesterday. It clearly wasn’t a fair fight. You were trying to use logic and reasoning to make your kid understand why he couldn’t have a cookie and he was not using logic and reasoning to get you to say yes. Explanations have their place with people whose brains are pretty well formed. When you’re talking to a young child who is in the throws of some emotional upheaval, reasoning isn’t going to make them snap out of it. Have you ever explained something to an upset child and had them respond with “Aha! Now I get it! Thanks for telling me why I couldn’t stay up later. I totally understand!” Never.

Since young kids are still making choices based on immediacy and wants/needs, they’re not using logic to help them decide their paths. It’s pretty silly of us, as adults, to use logic on them in return.

So do yourself a favor. Don’t get in to a lengthy discussion with a 3 year old about the whys and wherefores of going to bed on time or the importance of taking a bath. Don’t ask questions about whether or not they want to be smelly the next day because they probably won’t answer the way you want (meaning with any reasoning behind their “Yes, I want to be smelly!”). Keep things simple. Use logic, but don’t try to justify why you’re asking them or telling them to do something. You have to walk a fine line between “Washing hands after you use the potty is necessary because it kills the bad germs on your hands” & ” Because I said so!” Repetition and forming habits are more important than the whys of their habits.

So, stop debating. Have discussions with people your own age. And remember that just because they look like a little version of you doesn’t mean that they are built to accept all of the logic that you want to impart to them. Don’t talk until you’re blue in the face.

Praiseworthy!!

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Praise and positivity toward children have emerged as wonderful alternatives to the stereotypical stern, spanking parenting style of a generation ago. I have touched on my use of praise in other posts & am a big proponent of the wonders that it can achieve, but as with every good thing, you can have too much of it.

In their book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish point out some of the pros and cautions of using praise with your kids. As many moms, dads and caregivers can tell you, being specific with your praise is an important component of using it successfully. The usual example of this is that we should not call a child “a good girl” for doing something that is asked of her. Even if we do not say the opposite term when she does not follow directions, the unspoken term “bad girl” might be heard louder than we think. So to combat this problem, Faber & Mazlish have established some guidelines for more effective praise.

First, the adult should describe, with appreciation what he or she sees or feels. “I can tell that a lot of work has been put into this picture. I see so many colors and shapes! Looking at it makes me smile.”

Second, the adult does not evaluate the quality. Try not to call something good, beautiful or fantastic. It doesn’t give the child very much useful feedback. Plus the idea of describing something is so that the kid can then praise herself and build some self-confidence and pride.

Adding a word that sums up the praiseworthy behavior is like putting icing on the sweet praise cake. “You waited so nicely until I was done talking on the phone to ask me for a drink. Now that is what I call PATIENCE!!” 

Cautions:

When praising, be sure not to use words that indicate past weakness or failure. “I finally see some progress on your homework.” Kid can easily hear either the disbelief, relief or resentment that comes across in that double-edged praise.

And finally, be careful not to be too enthusiastic. If you overdo it, then your child might lose some of their fervor to accomplish things for themselves. The goal of praise is certainly to build their self-image, but you want them to be the overall engineers of their sense of self.

This is just a foray into the effects and effectiveness of praise, but it’s a good bite-sized place to start.

Describe!

Try not to evaluate!

Use a positive word to sum up their behavior or accomplishment!

You can do it!

Let’s Practice!

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I used to play the piano fairly well. I wasn’t the best at practicing, but my laziness + a little musicality met in the middle to make me an adequate player. Unlike my piano playing, raising kids is hopefully a task that more people are interested in practicing. Becoming a proficient parent or caregiver is much more useful, in my opinion, than being able to play a sonata.

So how does one get better at parenting and helping children learn? Amazingly, the answer for both parenting and instrument playing is the same: Practice! How do you practice parenting? Aren’t you just doing it most of the time when you’re with your kids anyhow? Practicing indicates that this is somehow a trial run, but isn’t everyday with your kids the real performance? So again, how do you practice parenting?

One thing that parents definitely practice with their children is crossing the street. When safety is involved, parents are often very (rightly) concerned that they teach their children how to be safe in semi-dangerous situations. So why not practice many of the other behaviors that you would like your children to adopt as good habits?

One of the most important things to remember about practicing behaviors is that you should aim to do it when everything is calm. If you notice that your child is having a hard time remembering to say please, don’t just wait until you’re in the situation, they’re asking you for something & you’re not obliging because they didn’t use the magic word. Practice saying please with them in an unheated environment where you take turns passing things and saying please. Please remember to give them lots of praise specifically about the “please” or their sitting at the table for 5 minutes at a stretch (whatever the desired behavior may be) to encourage further development in the direction that you’d like them to be heading.

“Please, may I have the ball? Thank you! Your turn!”

“Daddy, ball…please.”

“Yay, you said please! Here is the ball. My turn…Please, may I have the ball?”

And you’re on a roll. Just like that, playing has turned into practicing.