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Hello everybody. I asked one of my best friends, Caitlin, to be a guest author for Kid Whisperer and share some of her prodigious knowledge with us. Not only do I like her a lot, she’s also a super smarty pants. Caitlin taught in NYC for 5 years before heading west to be a PhD candidate at the University of Oregon in Special Education. And here is what she has to say about temper tantrums!

You’re in line at the grocery store waiting to pay. You’d hoped it would be a quick trip, suddenly, you sense things might not go your way:

Mom, I want these Fruit Loops!

No buddy, those aren’t healthy, and we’re just picking up dinner. It’s time to pay.

But I want them!

I understand, but the answer is no. Go put those back please, and let’s go.

You see it coming. You don’t know how to stop it.

It’s not fair!! I want them! You NEVER let me have them!

It starts with foot stomping, the fists are balled, the sirening yowl, tears, and screaming accusations.

I want them! I need them! Why can’t I just have them?!?!?! You are SOOOOOO mean!

It’s here: The Temper Tantrum.

You feel the eyes of the cashier, the judgment of the mother behind you with the perfectly quiet little girl happily hugging her box of shredded wheat. You know you have to act, but what to do? You want to be cool, calm, collected, but firm. But you’re next in line, and the screaming is so obnoxious. What to do?? Do you squash it, put forth the face of discipline? Do you just scoop her up, abandon your groceries, and retreat to the car? Do you just buy the Fruit Loops? Do you ignore her, and all the stares, and go to your Zen spot?

What to do???

It turns out that none of those (completely natural) instincts will get you very far when dealing with a temper tantrum. When a child is spiraling out of control, she simply isn’t going to receive the message from any lessons or clearly given consequences. And buying the Fruit Loops just lets her know that any time she’s not getting her way, all she’s got to do is throw a tantrum, and you’ll give in. Ignoring her won’t help either, because she’s clearly losing control, and needs some help. Scooping her up and leaving might be tempting, but then you have no groceries, and you’re still giving in to the tantrum.

Rather, the best way to deal with a tantrum is to calmly disengage, and focus on de-escalating.

But what does that mean?

It means that, for the moment, you ignore the judgments, you ignore the fact that this is unacceptable behavior, and you recognize that your child isn’t in a healthy place. You talk her down. This doesn’t mean that you give in – we’ll get to consequences later – or give her all kinds of positive attention for the inappropriate behaviors, but rather that you deal with the situation in front of you as it is – a kid in the midst of a behavioral crisis.

So what does that look like?

A tantrum is a loss of emotional control. So de-escalating a tantrum is a process of helping a child regain control. It helps to acknowledge how the child is feeling, and give her clear steps to take toward regaining control herself.

Wow buddy, you really are upset about these Fruit Loops.

Are you feeling angry?

At this point, it might help to physically move to kid-level, and speak in quiet tones, modeling calm behavior.

I can see that you’re really mad, and I want to help you figure this out.

But it’s really hard for me when you’re yelling and screaming. Let’s try taking a few deep breaths and see if we can figure this out.

Praise the child for taking a deep breath. If she’s not buying that, provide a clear choice, but still gently move toward de-escalation.

I know how mad you are. We’re going to figure this out, but we have to be able to talk to each other. Let’s find a way to calm down. Would you like to take a drink of water or count to ten?

Maybe at this point you move out of line to a quieter place. If you’re really feeling uncomfortable with those looks from the other adults, give them a knowing smile, and let them know you’re handling it.

Once the child is calm, let her know she did a good job. Don’t over-do it on the positives – you don’t want this de-escalation process to become a rewarding parent-attention moment – but let her know that she made a good choice, and help her continue to move into a calm state.

By now, she’s probably exhausted, so at this point, it’s time to let her know the next steps, and head on out of the grocery store. Minimize the Fruit Loops, keep her calm, and provide clear expectations.

I like how calm you are, and we are going to work this problem out together. Right now we have to get home for dinner, though, so we’re going to pay for our groceries, and we’ll talk about our problem in the car. We’re going to work on staying calm together. I love how you’re holding my hand and waiting in line with me.

And that should do it. You should both get out in one piece.

It’s important at this point to think about consequences. This doesn’t mean you give a lecture or yell once you hit the privacy of your car. But it does mean that you send a clear message that tantrums aren’t acceptable behavior. This can happen in the car, or a little bit later at dinner – don’t let it go until next week. Maybe you talk about other ways to deal with frustration on the way home. Maybe you talk about how Fruit Loops can become a small reward for using those frustration techniques (if you’re comfortable with that). And maybe you talk about a loss of a privilege (a daily treat of some sort) for this, and future tantrums. Then, the next time you see one brewing, you can remind your child of all of these pieces, and help her avoid the tantrum.

Prevention is really your best friend here, but that’s for another time (and perhaps another post). But tantrums happen, and they are not fun to deal with. Knowing how to de-escalate the situation, and not get caught contributing to the giant, spiraling outburst can take you far. And who knows, when you talk your kid down, all those looks in the grocery store might actually turn into smiles of admiration. Because we all know tantrums, and now you’ll know how to deal with them.