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Sit! Stay! Here boy!

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I realize that the title of this blog makes allusions to myself in the form of Cesar Milan, otherwise known as the Dog Whisperer. It makes me seem like I ascribe to his teachings, but have subjects in human form instead. While much of what he does has no bearing on kids, there are certain aspects of training, humans and animals, that overlap.

Perhaps the most salient of these comparisons are those direct and simple “commands” that children and dogs must listen to in order to keep them and others safe. Stay! Come here! Stop!

Most every parent has experienced the anxiety that comes with increased mobility in their children. Once a baby starts crawling and exploring their world, so much of a parent’s role seems to be goal tending; protecting their belongings and their child from a disastrous meeting. These anxieties only increase as a child’s world grows from their living room to the backyard to the playground to the city sidewalks and on. So what are some ways that parents let their kids know that they’re getting too far ahead? Or that they’re approaching a street and need to stop? Or that it’s time to leave the park, but they’re kind of far from you? What are your signals? Hopefully not too much yelling and chasing are involved, but these have been known to happen.

I’ve been working on perfecting some signals that are specific to the kids that I take care of. That way when we’re on a crowded playground with lots of yelling, they’ll know that I’m “talking” to them.

#1. The ever favorite name call. “Jackson!” If you can get eye contact, even from a distance, then you’re off to a good start. Now you can proceed to signal with your hands or yell a little more to let them know what it is you need.

#2. “Freeze!” We use this one when exploring the woods. They can get pretty far ahead when they’re really going & sometimes I can’t see around those bends in the road. It’s short. I can yell it pretty loudly. And it’s not a remonstrance. Just a simple command that we’ve practiced & for which they’ve gotten praise when done. Sometimes I even unfreeze them with a touch or a hug or some “abracadabra” hand gestures.

#3. My current favorite, whistling. I have found the loudest range of my whistling & turned it into a signal that gets the 3 kids I watch to look at me. Since I’ve been working on it with them, they’ve gotten more used to it. I generally just use it to say “uh uh, put that rock down” without any words. It can be the signal for slowing down or returning to me if they’ve ridden their bike a little too far ahead. So far, it’s working brilliantly. And at least in this instance, I do feel a little like Cesar Milan. All it takes is a few notes, some eye contact, a wave or a shake of the head and they’re back on track. Hurrah! And I didn’t have to yell! Pucker up.

And so I leave you with quite the whistler. He must have no trouble getting his kids’ attention in a crowd.

How was school today?

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It’s 3:30. Your kids just got home from school. They’ve hung up their things, unpacked their bags, put their shoes where they belong. Wonderful! All of those routines are working well.

Since you don’t have to nag anybody, you ask them how their day was instead. Novel idea. But…your question is met with a) silence, b) a shrug, c) a grunt or d) “Fine.” Every parent has encountered this situation and what often ensues is a parental version of 20 questions (I find myself playing this one-sided game too often as well).

“Did you play with your friends?”

“What was for lunch?”

“How did math go?”

“Was Jessie in school today?”

“How was Ms. Jackson?”

“Did you have fun?”

I have run up against this problem and heard variations of it enough to wonder if there isn’t a better way to encourage kids to share. I still find myself getting a little annoyed with my parents if I feel like I’m being interrogated. So I thought and thought…and came up with an idea!

Why not give our kids conversation prompts similar to the writing prompts offered at school?

“Today, I saw…”

“Today, I smelled…”

“Today, I talked to…”

“Today, I felt…”

“Today, I heard…”

“Today, I laughed because…”

“Today, I learned…”

If we take part in this activity and model it for our kids, it might encourage them to think about the things that they experienced during the day. It certainly would require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from them in response to one of our questions.

Maybe try it out as part of an afternoon snack routine. You can be silly with your thoughts too so that everyday doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of emotions. It’s just a good start for your child to talk to you about their day and their experiences.

“Today, I smelled the flowers blooming outside.”

Judgment Day: Criticizing Parents

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The “modern parenting” landscape is awash with advice, tell-alls, no-nos, craft ideas and stories of real life. Two weeks ago another look at a modern parent garnered a lot of buzz and a lot of scrutiny. Dara-Lynn Weiss wrote a piece for Vogue about the year long weight-loss plan/diet that she put her 7-year old daughter on. This piece has received so much attention (almost all of it negative), that it got me thinking about criticism and judgment, of both parents and kids.

So, have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help calm the child down. What’s the matter with that parent? Why aren’t they trying to get the kid quiet?
2.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent is also yelling and being forceful with their child. What’s the matter with that parent? Don’t they know that yelling won’t solve the problem?
3.) You’re in a store where a kid is running around willy nilly. The parent is asking them to stop and quiet down. The child doesn’t seem to be listening. What’s that matter with that parent? Why aren’t they making their kid listen to them?

Or have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to ignore their outburst as a way of dealing with it. But while you do this, you’re sweating and feeling that you should be able to control your child better than this. Bad Parent!
2.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to subdue them with the methods that you normally use, but things aren’t going well. You’re starting to lose your temper. Oh no! Bad Parent!
3.) You’re in a store where your kid is running around willy nilly. They have a lot of excess energy and you want them to be able to get out some of their wiggles before you head to the library. But you feel that they should be listening better. What to do next? Bad Parent!

Parents today can be in the dangerous and isolating position of feeling judged by passers-by, family, friends and themselves. Feeling judged is one of the things that people are supposed to be impervious to once they become parents. The familiar motto is something like, “If it’s in the best interest of my kids, then I don’t care what others think.” {Incidentally, the phrase “best interests of the child” indicates the factors taken into consideration by the courts when making decisions in child welfare cases.} I myself have encouraged parents to follow their own internal voices and try to ignore looks from people in public while they discipline or attempt to calm their children. It’s not an easy feat. Feeling judged by yourself for some sort of parental “ineptitude” is another very real danger.

I would argue that the responsibility of overcoming feelings of judgment (both from internal and external sources) does not rest solely on the parents. As we (members of society) continue the cycle of thinking that we know what’s best for other people’s children, we will continue to judge those people for not acting in different ways. And parents will continue to judge themselves as well.

The same website that first called foul on Dara-Lynn Weiss has also published an admonition of those of us who are “shaming” Ms. Weiss with our criticism. It rightly points out that the criticism that is being flung at Ms. Weiss can be equated to the criticism that she doled out to her daughter while trying to change her eating habits. If we (adults!) continue to judge parents so harshly and so loudly for their “failings”, then what messages are we passing on to their kids and ours? Is the moral of the story that judging others is simply our right or responsibility? If so, then we will only be encouraging that behavior in our children as they grow and become more vocal; teaching them to use their newfound voices to criticise.
It’s difficult to stop yourself from judging others, but if you find yourself in a store with a screaming child nearby (be it yours or someone else’s) TRY to restrain yourself. If not for the parents or yourself, then do it for the kids.

Why every parent should have a Kindle

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The Kindle. That 21st century wonder that, in my opinion, is essential for all parents who read. Why, you say? Let me illuminate you.

#1- You can turn the pages soooooo quietly. For any parent who needs to be quiet sometimes to let little ones sleep (sometimes while sitting in the same room), reading is an excellent way to pass the time. I have been working on getting a 3 year old to stay in bed which currently requires sitting in her room so that I can put her back in her bed when she gets out. Sitting on the floor with my back to the bed gets old. There’s nothing much to do or look at while I try to remain still and quiet. The Kindle however opens up a whole new, very quiet door. No page turning noise. No shuffling about as I try to keep it open. No lights blinking or flashing screen to keep anyone up either. It’s wonderful.

#2- The Kindle doesn’t look like an iPad. Even very young kids are becoming familiar with the sights and sounds of an iPad or iPhone screen. Ooooh pretty. And distracting. If you have a plain old Kindle (no Fire I’m afraid), then no 3 year old is going to covet it. You can use it in front of them without inspiring envy or fuss. Yay! I’m sure that there are plenty of parents who have to think about checking their email before they do in case there are some kids lurking about who will ask for access to that shiny screen. Not so with a Kindle. Nobody will ask you for that unless they’re dying to find out how the new John Grisham book is (my grade = ~ok).

#3- One you already know. It’s small, light and can easily fit into a bag to come with you. You can read it anywhere. This shows your kids that books are a good thing to bring along while you’re waiting for something. You can read in front of them (again without any coveting) to show them your good reading habits. A reading role model. That’s you!

Just the books ma’am. Just the books.