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How am I doing so far? One year and counting

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I’m a few days behind, but just about a year ago, this little blog got its start. So how am I doing so far? I haven’t written as much as I would like, but this year has brought a lot with it.

I have become a small part of an outstanding community of women via (cool) progeny. I have continued to explore my own ideas of parenting and the complex issues that parents face on a regular basis. I have learned a lot about myself and other parenting philosophies. I have rediscovered that it is most difficult to be patient with oneself. I have created a little voice on the internet that hopefully speaks to some parents and helps them in some small way.

The topics that I’ve covered so far (from tantrums to discipline to structure to fun to patience to praise) are a great start, but I am really interested in finding out from you what your concerns are. I may not have all of the answers, but I will do my best to answer questions directly or in a new post on your topic of choice.

What do you think? What is the biggest challenge of your day? What has you just stymied? Let me know & I’ll try to help!

Positivity Pays

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Don’t touch that!
Don’t hit your brother.
Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
Stop banging on the table.
Don’t run in the house.

When you’re feeling disgruntled, tired, overwhelmed, stressed or just annoyed, it’s hard to remember that negativity isn’t usually the best way to get your point across. So often when I’m saying “No,” I don’t even notice that it invariably becomes the theme of my kid-centered talking. No to this. No to that. Please stop. Even when I’m still trying to be polite, it still comes out with a negative word in it.

Negativity escapes in other ways as well. Bringing up past misbehaviors when dealing with current behaviors. “Praising” kids’ work with a caveat that something still needs improving. Looks and tone of voice give us away too. It’s difficult to stay positive. It’s difficult to try to see things from someone else’s point of view. It’s difficult to be patient. But these vague, amorphous skills will only help us be the people and the parents that we most likely strive to be.

Cheering kids on is more effective in promoting certain behaviors than telling them “don’t” is in deterring “bad” behaviors. Giving positive attention when you see something that you like is more effective than giving negative attention when you see something that you don’t like. This is true in most parts of life. Motivating others to do certain things is the secret to good leadership. Praise, positivity and being the positive person that you’d like others to be are the best ways to accomplish this.

In The Trouble with saying No, I discuss having replacement words and directions that tell kids what to do, not what not to do. This can be a good place to start without having to change your entire attitude. Just change some small words first and maybe it’ll be easier for your demeanor to follow.

If you can become the master of positivity, just think what messages your kids will glean from that. Just like you, they’ll know that positivity pays!

Young at Heart

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Now that summer is here & kids are out of school, it is time for grown ups to embrace their inner kid as well. If you don’t like visiting the playground or spending time at the pool or playing in the backyard or going for walks or riding bikes or any of the other myriad of summer activities that kids tend to L-O-V-E, you might need a quick refresher on being young at heart.

So how does one get back in touch with their inner child? I have a few ideas. Some sound a little unpleasant at first, but we adults need to push through some uncomfortableness before we see the fun on the other side.

1) GET YOUR CLOTHES WET…WHILE YOU’RE WEARING THEM
This can be a water balloon toss, a trip through the sprinkler, chasing each other with the hose, playing at the water table, exploring the creek in the woods or whatever else you can think of. I don’t like to get my clothes wet because besides being a little uncomfortable once your shorts are sticking to you, it also means that you have to do some extra and immediate laundry. But this is the perfect reason to do it. Forget about the responsibility that goes along with cleaning up after yourself and just try to have some sticky fun.


2) BLOW BUBBLES
Bubbles! Another great example of something icky, sticky and wonderful. Kids love chasing bubbles & even adults have to admit that there’s something pretty magical about a cloud of bubbles floating on the breeze. Don’t worry about the fact that the bubble bottle is getting low (get some backups!) or that your fingers are glued together with soap. Just blow bubbles and watch your kids have a good time. I dare you not to laugh.


3) CLIMB A TREE
Ack! What? Climbing trees is a dangerous activity! And also just about the coolest skill to have as a kid. Find a nice low tree (with sturdy branches) and climb on up. Have a sit. Look at the world from a little higher off the ground (even if it’s only about 5 feet). Imagine what it must be like to be a bird or the Swiss Family Robinson and actually LIVE IN A TREE! Teach your kids how to do it a little too. They’ll want to with or without your guidance and spotting, so you might as well be there to spot them.


There are plenty of other ways to try to bring kid-dom back into your mind. Get hot and sweaty chasing your kids (or other adults). Stay up late on the longest day of the year and wait until it’s completely dark out before you go in. Eat outside. Take a ride on a swing. Smile. Laugh.

Happy summer! I hope you’re having fun, finding free-time and putting on sunscreen with a sense of youthful adventure and possibility.

Reward and praise YOURSELF for change!

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You’ve been thinking lately about how you shy away from enforcing consequences with your kids. Or you’ve been pondering how to make your patience last a little bit longer. You’ve been wondering how you can fit in some more play time with your kids without neglecting your other duties. CONTEMPLATING CHANGE is the one of the first steps of realizing change! Good on you!

Changing any behaviors, habits or thoughts is a tricky business. Just try to tell yourself not to get mad at your kids or your spouse for the same thing you were mad about yesterday. Talking yourself into thinking or behaving differently takes a lot of practice! We reward kids with praise, stickers, extra incentives, etc. when we see them changing for the better. An M&M for a successful trip to the potty! Extra play time when they’ve been kind and caring with their siblings. A special treat at the store when their behavior has been excellent. So why are we not rewarded for doing something infinitely harder? Changing ourselves.

#1) Try setting small goals for yourself that have a tangible reward at the end. This takes a bit of self control, but it also calls your attention to specific things that you’d like to concentrate on. For instance:

– I’m going to fully listen to what my child says without interrupting 3x times today!
– I’m going to count to 5 when I feel my patience going 3x times today before I speak!
– I’m going to say 5 positive things to my child this afternoon while we’re working on homework!
Pick just one of these on any given day (or obviously make up your own depending on your kids & you), and work it in. Then reward yourself with a free half hour once the kids are asleep (no laundry folding, no phone calls, just relaxing).

#2) Get your partner, spouse or friend on your side. Tell them what you’re trying to achieve and then allow them to give you encouragement, praise and a pat on the back once you have done it.

#3) Don’t forget to forgive yourself if you don’t manage it today. There’s always tomorrow. Your reward will still be waiting for you.

#4) Reward the small steps along the way. This will help you build confidence in your ability to change & show yourself that you can be successful in moving toward certain goals.

Maybe once you get a few successes under your belt, then you can get a massage or buy yourself a new piece of clothing. Whatever it is that’s going to help you stay on track, use it! Not only will you feel more relaxed after a massage, you’ll also feel more relaxed and confident after averting yelling at your kids. All the while showing them that if they want to see a change in themselves, they can manage it just like you!

Two thumbs up! Practice practice practice!

Being kind to yourself

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We practice at being kind to strangers, our significant others, family members, our friends and our kids. Some days are better than others, but we still generally wake up with the idea that if we’re kind to others, that’s a good way to spend a day. And yet when it comes to being kind to ourselves, we often falter or worse, don’t even consider whether we are being kind to ourselves or not.

I went to yoga this morning and had occasion to laugh at myself a number of times. I wasn’t making fun of myself for not looking like the other kids in class, but I was allowing myself to have my own wonky expression of each pose. I tried to forgive myself for not being able to lift myself up while my legs were swung up over my arms. While yoga and parenting differ in lots of ways (and it is not necessary to practice one while you practice the other), they also share many core values. Patience. Breathing. Forgiveness. Letting go. Relaxing. Having an open heart. Health. Making time for yourself. Being in the moment. Strength. Endurance. The idea that practicing more will help you get “better.”

So the next time you find yourself at the wrong end of a mistake, don’t call yourself stupid! Not even in your head! Besides the fact that you don’t want your kids to hear you disparaging yourself because you would never want them disparaging themselves, it doesn’t help you to hear it said aloud either. Practice saying something positive in your head instead. “I can stay calm in stressful situations.” or “I can forgive myself for my mistakes.” Just like we learn to control our anger and those snap decisions that we make when angry (else we’d all be grabbing kids left and right when we got upset), we can also learn to control our knee jerk reactions to our own foibles.

And just think how your day will go if you’re kind to the person you spend all of your time with: you!