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A look is worth a thousand words?

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Last week, I had the fun-fortune to attend a continuing education class (for my social work license) on non-verbal communication. We watched little dialogues and assessed the unspoken messages that were sent. We communicated nonverbally in small groups. We looked at micro expressions and tried to distinguish what whiff of emotion was coming through. It was kind of fun as well as informational. And it got me thinking, as many things do, about how parents can use non-verbal skills with their kids. I’ve written about keeping quiet, but want to take it a step further and actively communicate with kids while being quiet. Impossible? Not with a little practice.

Though I do think about staying quiet with kids, I still wrestle with when to and when not to open my mouth. {Sometimes I even say to a child, “I’ll just close my mouth. Too much talking from me.”} I try to respect their ability to solve problems on their own and to know what steps to take next. I’d rather teach them to do something by themselves than find myself always in the position of telling them what to do next. So, first things first:

#1) If you have explained how to do something or when to do something many times, try not doing that and see what happens.
Don’t ask your child to put their shoes on every time it’s time to leave the house. Just say that it’s time to leave and see what happens. Try to limit your verbal directions to them on things that they know how to do.
Ex. “Don’t forget to clear your plate from the table.”
“We have to hold hands to cross the street.”
“After your bath, you have to brush your teeth.”

#2) Try prompting these known activities with non-verbal cues instead!
When it’s time to cross the street, I simply beat the kids to the curb (though they are now great at waiting on the sidewalk since we’ve practiced this) and then stand with my hands out waiting for them. This has done a couple of great things. First, it’s made me less annoying in this one situation. Yay! Second, it allows the kids to enforce the rules themselves. Since I don’t mention holding hands, sometimes they do. They police each other and have taken more ownership in the activity of safely crossing the street. Awesome! That means that someday they’ll be ready to do it by themselves.

#3) If they need a lesson in your non-verbals, give it to them.
You can do this in everyday situations or during a specific “game” to test their knowledge. Sometimes if I want to guide their behavior in a small way, before saying something, I’ll just look at them. If they don’t seem to get whatever message I’m trying to convey with my body and face, I’ll ask them what my face is telling them. Even if they don’t get it right, this still allows for us to talk about how I’m feeling. Rather than me telling them to stop something this gives them room to figure out what they should be doing instead.

#4) Try praising with your expressions.
Just as with other verbal cues and responses, praise can become something that kids feel like they need. Verbal praise should be used a lot when kids are first getting the hang of something. Yay you! You took some steps by yourself! You put your clothes in the laundry basket all by yourself! Once your child knows how and when to put their clothes in the basket, you naturally don’t praise them for it anymore. You come to expect it instead. So when they’ve got something down and you’re ready to take away your verbal praise, you can scale down your enthusiasm with non-verbal praise. It’s also so much fun to give your kid some “secret” praise or attention when other people are around. Instead of yelling “Great job!” across the playground, you can get their attention and then silently cheer or give them a thumbs up or jump up and down.

So, what is my face telling you? (Besides that I’m a goof…)

What is ‘spoiled’?

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The date on the milk says 9/4/12. Just two days past “good.” You sniff it to check it’s viability. It’s smells just a tiny bit funny, but you pour it on anyhow. Is it spoiled?

Milk metaphors aside, what does it mean for a child to be spoiled? Is it the age-old idea of giving them “too many” material things? Can it be something else? Is it something to be proud of? Is it something to dismiss? Is it an outdated term? Does it mostly happen for kids of wealthy parents? What is it? And if a child is conventionally spoiled, does that automatically mean that they’ll be a jerk as an adult? Once spoiled, are you spoiled forever? Does anyone believe that in the aftermath of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory that Veruca Salt grew up to be a nice person?

I don’t know the answers to all of the questions that I posed, but I have a few thoughts on spoiling and what it means today.

#1 Too many material things?

In our current American culture, acquiring things can seem like second nature to us. Even with economic troubles and worries, objects can “make us happier” and serve as status symbols. For many middle class parents, providing a rich and entertaining environment at home is a strategic goal of parenting. By flooding a kid with new and varied toys and objects, a child may come to expect that a) their wishes will be granted all the time and b) their toys should be entertaining them, with the real possibility of getting something new when they lose interest in something.

Besides giving kids an unrealistic view of the world (that material things are simply to be gotten, used, replaced and thrown away), providing them with too much doesn’t encourage long attention spans or imaginative play. It negates having a favorite object or toy, which can bring such comfort to kids. It also gives them very little sense of money. Kids don’t need to know all of the particular stresses and concerns that go along with money making and spending, but having an idea that it exists and that it’s not infinite will begin to give value to it.

Finally, buying buying buying simply makes more waste for the world. If we teach our kids that consumption is key, then the world of their adulthood will be littered with discarded and unwanted things.

#2 Spoiling in other ways

How do we spoil our kids without buying them things? And is this a real problem? I think that the overall idea of “spoiling” is that we are conditioning kids (or people) to expect immediate gratification and to expect that their environment will change to fit them rather than the other way around.

Parents contribute to these skewed ideas in a number of ways. First, by being too readily available to our kids, we give them the impression that being on the phone or talking to another adult is no reason for them not to have their wants attended to right away. Eh. Second, when parents work to control/change school or social environments for their kids when they meet an obstacle, kids are shown that if something is hard or unpleasant, they should simply give up or leave. If cries of “I’m hungry!” are immediately met with a snack, then we are teaching our kids that all they need to do is raise their pleading voices to get what they want. When parents create these expectations in their kids, they are setting themselves up to disappoint their youngsters when eventually they can’t control the environment or do need their kid to wait for something.

#3 Are you spoiled forever?

It seems to me that the answer to this is pretty straight forward: If you continue to expect the world to change for you, then you will continue to be “spoiled.” If you continue to expect attention to be paid to you on your terms, the same is true. The way to undo this is to come up against a real life situation when a teacher won’t let you do a make-up assignment or when you can’t continue to be the first in line. The world generally works to combat spoiling. It doesn’t work to change for us, it expects us to change for it.

So a little spoiling might not be the end of the world. It’s fun to break the rules sometimes or splurge on something at the toy store. But hopefully it’s not an everyday occurrence, else real spoiling could be the outcome. And once milk is on its way to being spoiled, it’s hard to stop it.

I want the world,
I want the whole world,
Give it to me now!

Things that are out of our control

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I recently completed my first stint as a teacher of parents in the Positive Parenting Program at the Family Tree (which, incidentally, was the beneficiary of the Best of Baltimore party that took place earlier this month). The participants survived, as did I, and by the end of the class we were even sad to see each other go. Most of the anonymous comments that I received were positive, with only one that suggested that anything be enhanced for the future: me knowing more about inner city kids. At first I was a little embarrassed by this suggestion. But I’ve taught in two inner cities! It’s been a little while, but I know something about what kids and parent are facing in cities, don’t I? So I pondered this thought for the next day or two and I came to a realization. It’s not that I don’t vaguely understand the different parenting pressures in inner cities, it’s that I don’t have many ideas on how to parent if outside of your house and your control, your child is facing troublesome situations left and right. I was just avoiding talking about it. If you’re supposed to be good at giving parenting advice and you know very little in a certain area, then it makes sense to remain mum on that subject. Conundrum.

If you don’t want to talk about things that you’re unsure of, then you’ll never learn more to grow in confidence in these areas. We push our kids to explore the unknown all the time, in school and at home. But the comment that I received also translates to an overarching parental question: how do you do your best in situations that are out of your control? You can enforce the rule of “no hitting” when you’re at home with relative ease. How can you enforce it when your child is over at someone else’s house? Or even worse, when your child is getting hit on the playground and there are no adults around to see. What then? Should he hit back to defend himself? If finding an adult to intervene isn’t an option for your child, what should he do? What should you tell him? If your child attends a school that is chaotic or you live in a neighborhood with plenty of poor role models, what are the best things to teach your child for them to not only become a responsible citizen, but also for them to survive?

I think that these hypothetical questions (which aren’t hypothetical to so many parents in the U.S.) are what stumped me. I think that putting all of the responsibility to be good and prosper on the child makes it impossible for them to do so. I remember hearing a teacher speaking with a young girl many years ago when I was first getting my feet wet in the inner city. The girl’s parents were more than irresponsible. It was hard for her to get much sleep because there would be people over at all hours. Needless to say, very little positive care and attention was given to her. The teacher couldn’t change her home life and lack of positive parental involvement, so she took a different tack. She had a good relationship with this student, so she told her that it was up to her to get her homework done no matter what. If she had to do it under the covers with a flashlight every night before going to sleep, then so be it. The teacher couldn’t control some things, but she could use her positive influence over the student to encourage her to succeed. There’s no way that this can work for everyone though (and indeed, it doesn’t!). Shall we tell every child who is being negatively affected by neighbors or peers to simply buck up and do better? No matter that being different (especially “good” different) can make kids targets of bullying and excessive peer pressure.

So, are there no other solutions besides fundamentally changing our societal structure and making sure that all kids value good behavior, good education, politeness, respect and self-discipline? Easier said than done.

I’m still at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with parenting situations outside of my control. The best advice that I could offer was that by building up our kids and making them feel capable and strongly rooted, that they’ll take a coat of armor out into the world with them that will protect them from bad influence. This suggestion still puts a lot of personal responsibility on the child to resist and rise above. I guess that it’s the best I can do for now though.

Perhaps the moral of the story is two-fold: It’s ok not to know what to do or what advice to give. But don’t give up on thinking about it!

Being a person even when you’re a parent

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I received a question last week about holding on to one’s identity when we become parents. I think that this concern has occurred to most modern parents. There have been books written about taking time for oneself and classes taught on being a well-balanced person so that you can be a well-balanced parent. Every parent has different needs. Being able to meet these needs is an important part of being an effective parent. While it’s often difficult to find time and not feel guilty about doing things for oneself, most parents know that caring for themselves is a good idea. But the question is, how?

Let’s first explore the hypothetical life of a parent who tries to get their emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual needs met only through being a parent. You wake up and meet two grumpy kids. They’re tired and have overslept a little, so the morning is rushed. You want to feel emotionally validated by them, but they are short, a little rude and taciturn. They do not have the capacity to make you feel good about yourself, nor is it their responsibility. Their grumpiness spreads to you. You would like to have some carefree conversation with them in order to flex your “social muscle.” You would love to discuss a current event that has gotten you thinking about life. Or talk more deeply about your fears for their future…with them. None of these needs can truly be met by your kids and if you have the expectation that they should be meeting them, you are probably disappointed on a regular basis. If this is the system that’s in place, then changing it is going to be a difficult thing. But just as we ask our children to change and grow, we must expect the same from ourselves.

So, you’ve made the decision that you do value yourself and that you want to hold on to interests outside of your family and your children. It might cause you a bit more up front logistical stress, but should pay off in the long run. Here are some ideas on how to accomplish this:

#1 Rely on your partner, spouse, close family member or friend.
While it’s nice to spend time all together as a family, not every weekend has to be Mom, Dad & the two kids together all the time. Leave the kids at home with Dad while you go for a run, or a drink with friends, or a quiet sit somewhere. Besides giving you time off, it will allow your kids to spend some quality time with another caring adult. Maybe you don’t trust others with your kids very much. Maybe it’s time to change that.

#2 Hire a babysitter.
Babysitters don’t just have to come over for date nights. They can also come when you’re at choir practice or book club. This involves planning ahead, but what parent doesn’t have to do that? Reserve them in advance even if you haven’t figured out what you’re going to do yet. Give yourself some freedom.

#3 Incorporate your child into your interests.
They might not be old enough to play on the softball team with you, but they can come and cheer or blow off some steam running around the outfield (between innings of course). Bring them on that bike ride with you. Show them how to play darts. Letting them know that you like to do things other than hang out with them shows them that you’re a person too, not just their parent.

#4 Steal time for yourself when they’re around.
Give yourself 15 minutes to read while they’re playing in the backyard. Chat on the phone to your friend for 10 minutes while they’re having a snack. Work on your knitting while they play on the computer. You don’t have to be involved in all of their activities all the time. Allowing them some time to find and cultivate their own interests gives you time for yours!

If you respect your own person and your own needs, your kids are more likely to respect them too. They’ll have a role model who values him or herself and their individual interests.

I know that this is easier said than done when so many responsibilities and cares surround us on a daily basis, but if you take some time for yourself, you should be more ready to give time to your kids when you return from bowling or the middle of your book.

Birthing classes, but no parenting classes?

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When people first get the news that they’re going to be parents, many of them start reading books, taking classes and talking to other parents about what to expect. There are birthing classes, baby CPR classes, car seat installation seminars and swaddling experts. There are professionals who excel at getting your baby to sleep. There are philosophies on co-sleeping, attachment parenting, ferberizing and more. The amount of organized learning that parents take part in during the first year of their child’s life is staggering.

Once you know how to feed your child and when they should be walking and talking, the support available really falls away. I guess we think that we have launched the family in its boat and now it is up to them to get under way. So while most parents know where to turn if they have a colicky child, they may not be so sure of who to turn to once their child can talk and demand things of them. Why is it that we have so many supports available to parents of young children, but so few for parents of 10 year olds? Many parents never take part in any “continuing education” once their children are toddlers. I’m not advocating that it should be mandatory. I just worry that this lack of focus and support for all parents might be a bad thing in the long run.

I am currently co-teaching a parenting class that includes clients who have been mandated to attend by CPS. I think that a parenting class can benefit any parent and it seems a shame to me that we only work to educate parents as a reaction to some episode in their families. Why do we not promote parent education courses for all? Just as in medicine, isn’t prevention much more effective than curing? There are many parents who will never be involved with CPS, but they may be facing some of the same problems as people who are. Reducing the stigma and judgment that we, as people, put on to other parents might be a start in opening up a real conversation about the struggles inherent in this tough job.

Parenting is a tricky business, filled with cultural expectations and political undertones, not to mention being present for your children. It’s easy to scapegoat parents, saying that many of the problems that society faces are due to bad parenting. So wouldn’t it make sense to invest in parents rather than to bad mouth them?

I know, I know. Big ideas. But to me it just seems like common sense.