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“Nope!”

“Stop it!”

“Don’t chew with your mouth open.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Stop yelling inside!”

“Don’t hit your brother!”

“Don’t run away from me in the store.”

In the parenting class that I teach, we discuss the differences between discipline and punishment. There are plenty of them, but one that we tend to focus on is that discipline teaches kids what to do and punishment teaches them what not to do. When kids receive punishment more often than discipline, they learn to try to avoid being caught rather than learning the “right” thing to do. The same is true for telling kids what they can’t do. It’s not helping them learn what we expect from them. It’s only helping them narrow down an incomprehensible list of possible life decisions, such as not hitting. The only question is, if we tell them not to hit, but don’t tell them how they can express their frustration or anger without force, then we’re leaving them to try to figure it out for themselves.

So let’s turn some of these “don’ts” into “dos.”

“Please chew with your mouth closed.”

“Please wait to talk until your mouth is empty.”

“Use your inside voice instead of yelling.”

“It’s not ok to hit. We should use gentle hands and words instead.”

“I get scared when I don’t know where you are. Please stay with me when we’re in the store.”

All of these are now requests and directions instead of deterrents. They may not always be followed on the first or second or even eighth go, but there should be less question that your kids know what you expect of them. If they fail to comply with any of these requests, then you can warn them of a possible consequence. Or on the flip side, you can encourage compliance, like staying with you in a store, by offering a nominal reward in exchange for them staying near you.

Just something to think about when those “nos” and “don’ts” fly so readily from our mouths. Try a “do” instead!

“Here, let me carry that for you. I don’t want you to spill it.”
“Push your cup back from the edge of the table please.”
“Don’t forget to put a lid on your milk.”
“Be careful!!!”

All good suggestions. I’ve written about the “positives” of conflict before, but another aspect of ‘letting’ conflict happen is letting messes happen too.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not a huge fan of messes. I’ve struck a deal with my husband not to go to his side of the bed too often so that he can leave things on the floor without my tripping on them (or getting passive aggressively upset either). I would not encourage a mess if I could help it and yet, that seems to be what I’m advocating today.

How often do we move cups back from the edge of the table? Or discourage a little one’s carrying their own plate to the kitchen because we’re afraid of the mess that will occur? I find myself reminding kids to lean over their bowls or not put their sleeves in their food all the time. And let’s not forget the messes that occur when cooking with a kid or painting with them or playing in the mud. All of which sounds like such a nice idea, but I dread the clean-up, so sometimes I discourage the activity.  So then what am I really endorsing here?

I think it can be summed up as such: Cleaning up the mess can be a lesson in itself. Kids can’t predict the future as well as we can. Adults know that if you put a cup of water too close to the edge of the table, there’s a good chance that it will get knocked over. We try to help kids avoid learning that lesson through experience. We warn them of it to keep it from happening. Well done us. If we can avoid it, then by all means, let’s. But if we can’t, then sometimes knocking the cup over a few times is the best way for the message to get across. Sometimes we just have to watch the whole messy scene just play out in front of us without opening our mouths to warn of impending disaster. <Biting tongue>

One thing we can remind kids of is that if they spill it, they’re going to have to (help) clean it up. Depending on their age, ability and the nature of the mess, kids should be expected to clean up what they’ve spilled, even when it’s an accident. They should at least be a nominal help to an adult who’s cleaning it up. Giving them this little bit of responsibility may work to deter their spillage in the future or it may just allow you to go about your business while they get a towel to mop up their spilled milk. Either way, it helps you give ownership of their cups and plates back to where it belongs: in the hands of the kids.

Happy New Year all! Forgive my recent dearth of advice and posts. It was a busy end to the old year, but 2013 has dawned and it’s time to get back to business!

I’ll bang my gavel and call this meeting to order! What meeting you ask? The one I just called. I call meetings all the time with kids. They don’t bring their portfolios with them or take notes, but they have to be present for a moment and touch base just as they would in any company meeting. So how do I use this funny tactic? Here goes.

Let’s say that you’re about to pay a visit to the library. You’ve got both of your young kids with you. They don’t have the hang of library etiquette just yet, so having a meeting before you go in is probably a good idea.

Step #1: Either right outside the library or just inside the door if it’s chilly, get down on one knee and have them huddle up around you. Now you’re all on the same eye level and you can indicate to them that everyone is participating in this meeting. It’s not just the grown up barking the orders at the kids.

Step # 2: Make sure everybody is paying attention and then start to either explain or ask about the rules for the library. This is when kids can surprise you. They often know the dos and don’ts before you tell them and are more likely to remember and follow them if they explain them instead of you. This is also the part where kids tend to raise their hands without prompting, which I always find super cute! “Pick me! I know a rule about the library! Use inside voices!”

Step #3: After a few guidelines are presented (be careful not to list too many rules or their heads will be swimming), again ask or explain what the consequences for not following the rules will be. DO NOT let this time be a prediction from you that you know your children will not be able to behave themselves. If you don’t want them to behave themselves, then by all means, predict that they’ll fail at this. Simply state the consequence of leaving the library or having to sit down while their sibling continues to read and look around. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t make an angry face or threaten them with said consequence. Just tell them. It’s their choice.

Step #4: Follow through on consequences and rewards. If they have behaved just as they should, then maybe they can check out an extra book (Zoinks!). If they have run or jumped or yelled or refused to share, then after a warning, a consequence should have been enforced.

Step #5: This one is optional, but if you like, you can always have a meeting on the way out too. Ask them what went well. Ask them what we might still need to practice. Tell them what you saw that you liked.

Meetings help us to be on the same page. They’re a 30 second check-in that lets kids know your expectations while also assuring them that you won’t be nagging them constantly while you’re at the _____________ (fill in the blank). They only have to pay attention to the “boring” stuff of rules for a short time, then they can concentrate on other things without being interrupted by “Stop that!” “Inside voices!” “Shhhhhh!” “Let him have the book!” “Be quiet or we’re leaving!” “Stop embarrassing me!” And the other myriad of things that we can say when we’re starting to feel a little nervous about our kids’ behaviors.

So for now, this meeting is adjourned. Take your gavel out into the world and use it!!