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I wasn’t alive 50 years ago. But I would venture to say that the average life has gotten busier since then. More women work out of the house. We have far more things to distract us and suck up our time (TV, smarty-pants phones, games, the INTERNET!!). There’s just so much to do and who can afford a cook? On top of all of our other responsibilities, we are also supposed to spend time with our kids…and not just regular old time, but Quality Time.

First question, what is quality time? And second, how do we turn regular time into quality time?

What is quality time?

I don’t have an exact definition of q-t, but I do think that I know some characteristics of what it is and what it isn’t.

1. Q-T can be quiet time.

Quality time doesn’t have to be filled with lots of activity, boisterousness or even laughter (though laughing can be a good ingredient for other q-t). Reading a book together, snuggling, working together on a project or just simply being in the same room and accessible to each other can be great ways to spend quality time.

2. Q-T can happen in small bursts.

Quality time sometimes occurs in just an instant- a small interaction before a child goes out to play or the 5 minutes before you sit down to pay bills. Focusing on making meaning out of long interactions can sometimes curtail the actual q-t that happens as a result. It doesn’t have to last forever. Not all of our time spent together will be “quality,” but there may be moments of it throughout our longer interactions. Look for and cherish these. Those little bursts always make me smile the most…when they take me a little by surprise.

3. Q-T can happen in strange places.

When I’m in the car driving kids around, I often find myself trying to make conversation or induce some quality time. That’s because I have had plenty of good, funny moments with kids in the car. We’re all there and though I am focused on driving, I’m also somewhat of a captive audience, as are they. The bathtub is another great place. The dinner table. The kitchen. On the back step, eating popsicles together. Going on a walk. When we’re both/all focused on nothing or simply the world around us, we might just find ourselves having some quality time with the people around us.

How do we turn regular time into quality time?

Uh oh. A tough question…for me to answer and I’m the one who posed it.

I think that trying to turn one into the other can sometimes be a hindrance to actual quality time. Have you ever planned something for a child that you thought they would love, only to be faced with the reality of their under or overwhelmed face (overwhelmed…but not in a good way)? Sometimes I think they can smell the desperation on us just like dogs can. “I just want this day to be perfect” thinks Mom to herself, but loudly enough that her child can hear it.

We can certainly try to invite q-t into our day by doing a special activity or inviting a child to come on an errand with us (just us two!), but I think that the best way to get some actual quality time out of these interactions is to keep our expectations a little low. Don’t try to force the issue. Don’t think that talk about feelings and what’s going on at school are necessary ingredients to q-t. Sometimes it can just be a wink or a laugh or a squeeze of the hand. Treasure those 30 seconds and then go back to being regular. Tell them that you love the joke they told you or that sometimes it’s fun to have something special just between the two of you and then let it be.

I know it’s difficult not to want every interaction to be meaningful and memorable, but quality time seems to unfold of its own accord and trying to force it into the light might just scare it back into it’s hole.

So, I recently moved…from Baltimore to Oakland, California. Life has been a little upside down for the past weeks and my contact with kids has been scarce <sniff>. But lucky for me, I got to share in some borrowed family time on my journey westward. It was wonderful. I got to spend time with some lovely people and three lovely kids. I didn’t really realize that I was missing this, until I came upon it in the woods around Lake Tahoe.

At the end of our too-short stay, I got to play some games with a 5-year old. Go Fish and checkers were both new to him and he was eager to flex his game-y muscles with an unsuspecting and unknown adult. If you don’t know, adults are sometimes more fun for kids to play with because they tend to be more malleable other than kids. When a child wants to use their imagination and make up the rules to their own game, adults will be most likely not to interfere with their laid plans. Other kids will have ideas of their own. Boo. Don’t they know who is captaining this ship? Reasonably then, this young man was under the impression that he was in charge of whatever game we were playing.

Sadly though, I have some rules of my own when playing games with kids.

#1 Rules need to be agreed upon by both parties BEFORE THE GAME BEGINS

Raise your hand if you have ever gotten halfway through a game with a kid and they decide that now is the time to switch the rules, mostly in order to benefit their quest for glory. I just raised my hand and I’m writing this in a public place. I entered into a game of Go Fish without realizing that I should have made my position on rule changing clear. My bad. Next game we play though, I’ll remember.

Before we began checkers, I said that I would love to play as long as all of the rules were decided upon before the game began. Once the game started, the rules were essentially “closed.” We dithered a little bit, but basically ended up with the regular rules to checkers. Cool. I’m not good at this game, but I can get behind that. And so it began. Not long into the game, this “rule” was challenged. Some crazy jumps were taken and my black checkers were significantly diminished. Hmm. I restated my earlier point that the rules had been agreed upon and that they were closed. I got some imaginary reasoning in response and so I had to sit and wait while he decided what to do. Which leads me to rule number 2…

#2 If we’re not going to play by the rules that we agreed upon, then I can’t play with you

Sorry to “take my ball and go home,” but we had a meeting prior to checkers being played. Once I worked to uphold this rule, he was a little at a loss as to how to proceed. So I set the timer on my phone and said that if he could make a real move before it went off, then I could keep on playing. If not, then I would have to stop. Luckily, I didn’t have to walk away, but I was more than prepared to. I did have to get going and did I mention that I’m not that good at checkers…

It’s not poor sportsmanship to take this tack. Forgive me, but it’s poor sportsmanship to change the rules in the middle of the game. Once the boundaries were set and mutually abided by, we could both be good “sportsmen” and enjoy playing checkers with each other…which is exactly what happened. We worked together even while competing with each other. He felt a part of things while not being the mad dictator.

That young man taught me a valuable lesson that day. Though maybe I had already known it somewhere subconsciously, it’s nice to be reminded that it’s not really fair to change the rules in the middle of the game.

 

Before school ended, when the sunny days were upon us, I spent a lot of time in the afternoons at the school playground. I know a 7-year old who was always anxious to join whatever friends were to be found after school. As many adults know, playgrounds aren’t always that much fun when you’re a grown up. You basically are there to watch, worry, settle disputes and wait for someone to need a hug (or stitches) after they fall.

One day, I was sitting, watching the action and letting my imagination run away with me. I began to imagine myself as a playground lifeguard instead of a participating caregiver. I thought about how people didn’t really talk to lifeguards when they were on duty. It’s their job to stay alert, always be watching and stay focused while on their shift. I imagined myself becoming a bit impervious and stoic behind my sunglasses- ever watchful, but ever apart. Sure enough after a little while of sitting, I was called upon to step-in for a put-upon kid. “They’re not playing by my rules,” I heard. I sat and thought for just a second and then decided to do my best impression of the Man with No Eyes from Cool Hand Luke (with perhaps a little less malignance).

I said one thing to make my position that day known. “You’re going to have to solve your problems on your own.” He sat on the wall with me for another minute, pondering the situation and what he was willing to do about it and then got up and went back to playing. With my watchful eye, I kept track of him and his friends. I don’t think that he aired his grievances about whatever rules to whatever game he disagreed with, but I do think that he thought about whether or not he wanted to make a stink over it. He decided against it and figured that he’d rather play a different way than give it up altogether.

Since I seem to be all about giving kids room to breath and trip and make mistakes, I wanted this lifeguarding to be an extension of that. Of course I’m here if you need me. If you’re drowning, I will save you. No question. But if you’re just learning to swim and looking a little like a fish out of water, you don’t need saving. I’ll stay stoic behind my sunglasses until there’s a real emergency.

Now give me a kiss and go play.

 

Once upon a time (about 2 weeks ago), I had a visit from a couple of friends who live in DC. We went to lunch. We ate, chatted, laughed and then proceeded to get into a 45 minute discussion of the particulars of self-esteem: what it is (still unsure), how it develops (still unsure) and whether or not any of us were right about any of it. After successfully seeing the lunch crowd at the restaurant dwindle (and entertain the thought of just staying there for dinner as well), we finally decided that we agreed on a few things at least. And we’re still friends, so that’s good news.

When does self-esteem begin to develop? This question is one that I have asked to groups of parents on several occasions. The responses generally vary from when kids learn to walk and talk to their first days of school to adolescence. There is usually the assumption that self-esteem comes when kids can start to recognize and identify feelings of self-pride in their everyday accomplishments. I, of course, hold a different view. Rude, isn’t it? I simply ask the question so that I can yell “Boo-yah!” at everybody when I tell them that they’re wrong. Double rude.

I posit that feelings of “worthiness,” i.e. self-esteem begin to develop from the very beginning. If a baby cries day-in and day-out and no one comes, it sends a message to them that they can’t trust anyone in this big world. They are not worth the time or energy for someone to come and comfort them or change their diaper. They aren’t thinking these things in words of course, but they can internalize them nonetheless. The now infamous neglect found in Romanian orphanages in the 80s and 90s has led to lessened brain development and a continued difficulty to securely attach to other people. While these facts by themselves do not necessarily indicate that every unattended child will have low self-esteem, the orphanage dwellers often face many difficulties even when moved to a loving and supportive environment. Besides being unstimulated and underdeveloped, they have also been taught that they don’t matter, which is a very difficult message to reverse.

In a similar vein, a story on NPR talked about the learning that occurs in utero (When Does Learning Begin?). Fetuses learn to recognize the sound of their mother’s voice before they are born. They can taste foods that their mother eats while in the womb and then show a preference for recognizable flavors after they are born. This does not mean that feelings of self-esteem begin before babies are born, but if they have the ability to learn while they’re cooking, then who knows what else they might pick up.

So, self-esteem might not have a universal definition (though the internet says “a feeling of pride in oneself”…meh) that transcends subconscious feelings and thoughts, but whatever it is, it’s lurking within us from very early in our lives. Figuring out how to nurture it from the beginning is one of life’s mysteries. We can only try, keeping in mind that kids are forming opinions on themselves and their place in the world as soon as, if not before, they enter it.

<Shudder>

Just the title of this post gives way to uncomfortable thoughts. They center around disciplining someone’s child in my home and disciplining my child in front of a friend of theirs. Both of these can be sticky situations to say the least. Any ways to make them a little less sticky? Maybe. As with any suggestions, you just have to figure out what works for you. So here are some thoughts:

#1 Enlist the help of your child in telling their friend the “rules” of the house

If there is a specific shoe place for when they come in from playing? Have your child point out to your guest where that is. That way, your kid can be the model of following the house rules for their friend.

“Can you please show Katie where her coat can be hung up?”

“Can you please tell Katie what our rule is about running in the house?”

Now these little clues might not work, but having your kid show them the ropes can be much smoother than an adult (especially one that they don’t know too well) getting involved.

#2 Use the phrase “In this house”

Don’t put too fine a point on anything and please don’t expect much from kids you don’t know very well. But saying “In this house, we clean up the toys after we play with them,” let’s your guest know that this expectation of them might not be in every part of life, but it does hold some weight in the house they’re visiting. This helps them know what is expected of them in this particular situation. Kids know that they can and sometimes should behave differently in different settings, so defining the setting for them might help them accomplish the task you’re asking them to do.

#3 Don’t introduce any new rules to follow when a guest is there

If your kid doesn’t know about a certain expectation, don’t bring it up for the first time when they have a friend over. It will not go as you hoped.

#4 If YOUR child needs to be disciplined while a friend is over, then discipline them

Being consistent means just this: Rules and expectations don’t change just because you have a friend over. I expect the same level of behavior from you as I always do. If that means that they get a warning and then a few minutes of not playing with their friend, all the better to send them the message that you’re serious. Remember that you are not embarrassing your child. You are simply following through on a commitment that you made to them. They have the choice to embarrass themselves or not.

As when any guests are at our houses, we want to be on our best behavior. Help every kid to achieve just that.