Author: katierobinson

If I had been alive (and my current age) 60 years ago, I would have been called a housewife. I suppose I could call myself that now, but the new turn of phrase is, of course, stay-at-home parent. When I tell people that this is how I spend my days, there tends to be a cry of “but that’s work!!” from whatever well meaning person I’m speaking with. I don’t think it’s not “work,” but I don’t think it’s the same as having an outside job that you report to everyday. For sure.

But would you believe that even after all of these years of thinking about parenting and actually doing it, I only just figured out why I like the “job” of parenting better than a job that requires a four year degree or a punchcard? There are the fairly obvious answers of a) I like spending time with my kids and being at home during the day or b) This model works best for my family or c) I can make my own schedule to a certain extent or d) I love not getting paid!

There is another reason that I like it though. Very few “professions” that I can think of (at least in our society) allow or focus on one being the best-ish kind of person that they can be. Many professions require a particular skill set, but if you’re looking for a job, rarely in the job description/requirements does it say that working to keep a level head in stressful situations is uber important. You might instead be asked to prepare quarterly reports, develop outreach strategies, write project materials or give presentations. While knowing how to do those things is important in a business or non-profit setting, they don’t necessarily help you out in real life.

Getting better at parenting however is almost always going to translate into benefits that you can apply throughout your life. If you’ve gotten really good at clear boundary setting with your kids, then chances might be better that you’ll be able to set appropriate boundaries with coworkers, family members and friends. When your kids are crying, clamoring or arguing with each other and you manage to stay relatively calm in those fraught situations, you may find yourself more easily accessing your reserves of calm when you get a flat tire on the highway or are late for an appointment.

It’s not that knowing how to make a spreadsheet isn’t important. It can be. But the “job goals” that I have for myself are teaching my kids how to be more kind than not, more calm than not and the best way that I can do that is to continue to work towards kindness and calmness myself. I’m doing the “job” that I like doing. No question. And I really appreciate that it’s teaching me some applicable skills for life along the way.

Both of my kids are afflicted with seriously runny noses and pretty gross coughs right now. They’re not even in school and yet, it’s as if their bodies knew that school elsewhere was beginning. Time to start exchanging germs!

This is day 3 of their torment and mine. Much of the time life is ok and they are feeling pretty good, but as soon as the scale tips toward a little too tired, they turn into puddles of snot. My older daughter especially is bouncing back as well as a bowling ball currently. Any small twist, turn or setback is causing an uproarious amount of tears. She needs an entire reset at this point in the day. And let me tell you, I am not handling this well.

If the tone of this post isn’t already clear, I am currently pretty frustrated with my older kiddo. It’s becoming clear to me that maybe my expectations for her, at least while she’s sick, are a little too high. She forgets to say please and thank you. Much more of her talking comes out as a whine. I have to ask her to repeat herself ad infinitum because I can’t understand her through her tears. And I continue to think that she should be able to control herself more. What?!

Just get your feelings under control kiddo! It was hardly a bump at all, why so many tears? It seems that you’re yelling “No!” at me a little too often for my liking!

My patience drips out of me as fast as their noses run. I just want my older daughter to be her usual, pretty composed self. Why is it so hard to remember that she’s only 2 (though getting close to 3 really) and sick to boot? I suppose as with any episode in parenting, it’s easy to imagine that this is the new normal. It’s easy to think that all of the hard work reminding kids to be courteous and helping them build resilience has been completely brushed aside and manners and fortitude are GONE FOREVER! This is what life is like now- not enough lap for too many kids and tears for days. Sigh.

Hopefully a little processing, reflection and some apologies will help me to remember that sickness passes and my kid is still who she generally is.

The question is, who am I in this? And who will I be the next time they’re sick? Maybe they just need to get sick a little more often so that I can have some more practice at this kind of patience? What a thing to wish.

I will say that I do wish that I didn’t suck quite so much just when they need me a little more.

I only just realized that this month marks 5 years since I began telling the internet my thoughts on kids and parenting (also, the internet tells me that blogiversary is a real word?!). When I started, I was nervous about putting forth my opinions (let’s face it, I still am). After all, I only became a parent myself halfway through this experience. Who was I to be giving advice? Who am I still?

After reflecting very little on this question, a couple of things are clear to me.

#1 I don’t know much

I’ve known some kids and families in my time and I’ve done some things that “worked” and plenty that didn’t. I’m not great at changing my approaches, but I’m a little bit open to it. It’s tricky to set oneself up as an “expert” in such a subjective arena. But luckily, I am not an expert. I mostly know the things that work for me & if I think that I’ve stumbled across a short cut, I’m happy to share. But really, I don’t know much.

#2 I almost always want to make life easier for myself

So, I don’t know much and I’m relatively lazy. Generally, the less I can do, the better. I make one pot dinners. I sit on the couch through almost all of nap time. I put my feet up at every opportunity. With that said, my main goals in parenting are not to raise assholes & not to stress myself out. That’s pretty much it. I can put on a grandiose show when I’m working through strategies on calming down or bragging about how well my kid listens, but the real reason that I’m interested in calming down or making my kid listen to me is so that my life will be easier. Parenting is easier when you have a kid who generally does what you ask of them. It’s easier when you have ways of managing your daily stress. It’s easier when your kid knows how to entertain themselves (to an extent). It’s easier when they know how to wipe their own rear end (still working on this one). Sometimes there is hard work that’s done at the beginning, but this is simply so that everything else will be easier going forward.

#3 I try not to give *advice* in real life

Unless someone specifically asks for advice, I try to hold my tongue. And sometimes, I’m even a bit coy when asked outright what my thoughts are on a parenting conundrum. Since parenting is so subjective, what works for one family might not work for another. As an outsider, finding a strategy or outlook that most closely matches a parent’s personality and the needs and temperaments of their kids is a super difficult task. What some people are comfortable with, others would never consider doing. And if a suggested response to a kid’s behavior feels wrong to a parent, they will never do it. It doesn’t matter how good a suggestion is or how “smart” I am for thinking it up, if it doesn’t suit the family in question, then it’s bad advice. The best solutions almost always come from the parents themselves. They might benefit from a little reframing, but only if they feel ownership over a strategy will it work for them. For realz.

I don’t know if I’ll make it another 5 years- or if blogging will be sooooo antiquated by then (is it already???), but we shall see if I learn anything more in the years to come.

I love my kids. And I love my husband. I’d like to go on the record. I love them very much. Sorry everybody else who is not lucky enough to be counted as a Kermobinson. You’re missing out.

I’m not too good at telling the world about my love though. Even when writing this little blog, I do try to keep my family at arm’s length (while still mining their lives for subject matter). I don’t share too many pictures or daily vignettes. And believe me, I AM NOT KNOCKING THOSE WHO DO! Promise! I like being able to share in others’ happiness and do not begrudge folks theirs because I feel it too!

All of the clichés are true for me too…well, many of them anyhow. I identify more with stories of parents in hardship and in joy. It’s easier for me to empathize with folks who also love their kids. And I do want to share some of that love with the world. But I think (and rightly so?) that my love for my family is a given. I hope that it’s clear to people who meet me that I think my kids are some of the greatest in the world. Maybe I should work to make it clearer in real life since I don’t show it too much on the internet.

I know that I do sometimes roll my eyes at my kids (and my husband) and downplay their cuteness and all around awesomeness when others pay them compliments. Maybe I will start agreeing with folks instead of awkwardly shrugging.

I’ll have a little practice here so that when all that remains of this world is the internet…there will be a record of my affection for my family.

They are the lights of my life.

My heart is often full with love for them.

They can be annoying, but I can feel my love for them many times in a day.

I’m glad that we get to share a life together.

So there it is. Just for posterity.

My daughter does a really convincing impression of the Wicked Witch of the West. In an instant, she goes from being a solid person to a puddle of a girl. There are always tears involved and usually some poor decisions are made as she’s melting. This is the time when yelling and her urge to hit both increase. And the reasons for these episodes are often related to fatigue or hunger. I get that she’s a kid and that she doesn’t manage her emotions as well as I do (because I manage mine oh so well…), but I still have to wonder if the hungry and tired excuse really flies, even when she’s just being rude to me.

So, should we ever respond to our kids tearfully shouted demands with anything but a raised eyebrow and a correction? Even if we know they are tired? Is every meltdown a lesson waiting to be taught? Should I ever/always ignore a tone of voice that is rude?

I’ve been asking myself these questions over the past few weeks. My darling girl has had some wonderful days and some days where she was successfully channeling her inner twerp. I know that I have to be ready to help fix the problems of fatigue and hunger, but shouldn’t I also try to convey to her that just because she’s feeling a little bad in body doesn’t mean that it’s ok to lash out at the folks around her? I don’t expect her to internalize this lesson right this moment, but I hear myself too often talking calmly to someone who is truly being unkind to me. In what other scenario would I reply with temperance to someone who was yelling at me? I can hardly think of one.

Now that I’ve decided upon this, how do I hear and acknowledge her sadness or frustration without allowing her to be rude to me? I guess the answer is in the question. “I know that you’re feeling sad, but I don’t like when you talk to me like that.”

I’m not trying to make my kid into a people pleaser or someone who can never show her true feelings. But all too often I hear kids (my own and others) losing their shit and directing that anger at their parents. And all too often I hear parents (myself included) responding to their child as though they were calmly asking what the weather was going to be like today. While staying calm is awesome, sticking up for yourself is awesome too! I apologize to my daughter when I’m rude to her and I try not to make a habit of it. I’d appreciate some of the same considerations from her, little person that she is.

Is it ever ok for kids to be rude? Sorry guys, it seems that the answer is no.