Keeping kids safe from everything has become a new art form in the U.S. Preparing them for every possibility is the norm for parents these days. Worrying about their friendships, their homework, their online presence, their development, their extracurriculars and more takes up a lot of our time. It has become normal to us to regularly worry about our children’s happiness and well-being.

Worry can mean anxiety or unease, but it can also mean “to fiddle with repeatedly.” Worry worry worry. Sounds a bit like hover hover hover.

I’m not positive that we have truly supplanted one for the other, but I do think that sometimes parents do one while thinking that they’re really doing (and showing) the other. Worry and care are not the same, but we have somehow gotten them a bit confused with each other. It’s not quite as bad as ‘literally’ now meaning ‘figuratively,’ but I think that increased worry for our kids can show itself as a badge of honor, love and even “good parenting” for today’s privileged parents. Worry is easier to talk about and claim, while not sounding self-important or too crunchy (i.e. “I just really love my kids!- and who doesn’t?). Worry is also easier for others to identify with (“You worry? Me too!!!!”).

When we’re motivated by worry, we tend to be moved to act and do something to alleviate that anxiety. We might worry that our kid isn’t doing enough to get into a good college, so we work to add more hours to the day and more activities to the schedule. We might worry that our child isn’t developing their fine motor skills quickly enough, so we assess and find a specialist who can help them along the way.

Caring is not so straightforward. When we care about someone, sometimes it’s the things we don’t do that show that. We don’t tell their secrets. We respect their privacy and their abilities. We let them speak for themselves. We even let them fail while still being there for them.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a place for worry in the parenting landscape. It is practically an inevitability for parents. I just worry (ha!) that we give worry too much weight. That since it now proves our love and devotion to our kids, the more of it, the better! When what we really need is a balanced diet of care, love, patience, some anger, stability, dependability, consequences, realistic expectations and some worry.

But we also need to remember that our worry is our own problem! We have to know when to deal with our worry internally and not let it erupt all over our kids. When they fall down, we have to control our own impulses to gasp and rush to them. When they don’t finish all of their homework, we have to control our rising panic and let them deal with the consequences.

Let’s work to not confuse worry with care. They sometimes look alike, but they behave very differently, especially in worrisome situations.