“So, are you all ready for this baby?”

How many times did I hear this as my due date drew nearer?

I was asked about all of the necessary supplies that having a kid entails. Do you have a crib yet? What carseat have you decided on? What’s the theme for your nursery? What baby carrier do you prefer? The Ergo or the Moby? (For the record, I have neither)

I was asked whether I’d be breastfeeding or not. I was asked if I’d be working. I was asked if I would be subscribing to any particular parenting philosophy. These all sound like questions that are aimed at ascertaining my preparedness for parenting, yes? I think maybe…no.

The philosophies and the stuff and the politics of parenting can be important at times, but what takes up my daily parenting agenda has nothing to do with them. While I think that there is a limit to how much one can prepare for this role, I think that our “normal” preparations can actually leave us quite unprepared. And they may even make matters worse by making us think that we somehow are prepared when we have neglected the more important task of preparing ourselves.

The silly email forward that I received that asked Are you ready to have kids? After you read this, maybe not goes through a number of interrupted and perverse examples of how frustrating parenting can be. And while there is much to roll our eyes at on this list (putting a live octopus into a bag?), it might be more helpful than a registry list in getting our minds around the idea of parenthood.

So without being too glib, I’m going to compile a short list of helpful and perhaps stressful points of preparation:

#1 HOLD A CRYING BABY

Even if you have hung out with your friends’ kids or nieces and nephews, everyone knows that when a kid starts to cry, you hand them back to their parents. Yes? Yes. But if you are planning on becoming a parent, you had just better hold on to them and see what happens when you can’t give them away. Some parents have never even held a child before they have one of their own. Amazing that that’s not part of any birthing class.

#2 PRACTICE BEING CALM IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS

If you are preparing to be a parent, then it’s going to be imperative that you keep your cool (refer to point #1). Since we can’t reason with babies or bribe them into being quiet, we have to get used to the fact that they will be upset and we will have to do our best to help them…WHILE NOT ALSO BECOMING UPSET.

Practice patience in line at the post office even when you’re running late. Think about breathing deeply when the person next to you on the bus is arguing loudly on their phone. And just think, you don’t live in either the post office or on the bus, so these stressful situations will eventually end. Sometimes they will in parenting too, but sometimes they’ll last longer than your commute to work on that dang bus.

#3 KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF YOUR TOP PRIORITY

What does that mean Katie? It’s the same as the old adage about taking care of yourself while you’re taking care of your kid. But I don’t just mean finding time to take a shower. I also mean finding time to reflect on what’s working FOR YOU. I think a lot about what might help my daughter’s days go smoothly. I want her to be as calm as she can be because she seems to enjoy that more- but more importantly, I ENJOY IT MORE. I’m the one who has to be sane. She can lose her head several times a day. If I wasn’t taking care of my mental state and looking out for ways to make my days more enjoyable, I’d be joining her in a chorus of wailing.

Just like when we fly, the flight attendant stops by our row to make sure that, if we need them, we put our own oxygen masks on before putting them on our kids. Take their advice in life as well and put on your own oxygen mask first.

So while I do generally think that it’s very difficult to prepare for this weird task of parenting, I also think that there are ways to do it that I have only noticed in retrospect.

Luckily I have held a crying baby and I’ve always been good at being a little bit selfish.