Eye contact. So useful. So powerful. So valued in our society. When people aren’t good at giving us eye contact, we assume there’s “something wrong” with them. We teach kids with social difficulties from the very beginning that eye contact is important. When emphasizing manners, looking directly at whoever they’re speaking to is underlined. Babies love it. We all love it. It makes us feel heard and indicates that we hear. It can express love, fear, disappointment, hope and so much more. And just like with every other powerful entity, we can use it for specific purposes (hopefully only using our “power” for good).

“Time to go to sleep,” you say. You’re watching your daughter intently for signs of fatigue and any indication that she’s not going to put up a fight, since it is, rightly, bedtime. She looks back at you with her eyes wide open, smiling. You gaze at each other for a little while, practically having a starting contest to see who will be the first to blink. You’re tired. You’d like her to be tired too. Sigh.

My first suggestion is that you use your eye contact to convey a message about this time of day.

#1 If you have a young child who has a bottle before they go to sleep, don’t stare at them while they eat. Keep your gaze soft and sometimes close your eyes. Looking into someone else’s eyes lets them know that they have an audience. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll put on a show for you, but they’re more likely to try if they think you’re watching them.

#2 If you’re reading them a story in bed, lie down on the bed next to them. Don’t face them. Your eyes are paying attention to the thing that they should be paying attention to: the book.

#3  If you’re singing them a song or soothing them with some pats while they’re laying down, don’t look at their face so that they can see your eyes. I tend to look through my eyelashes a lot or simply put my head down on my arm to keep from looking at them (coincidentally doing a good impression of sleeping, which is what I’d like them to do).

“Mom, I need help with my homework,” you hear from the kitchen table. Another great way to use your thoughtful eye contact. When I’m asked to help with something school related, I often find that they’d like to shift a little bit of the responsibility to me. “Is that right?” Or they watch me to see if they can glean any information from my face about how they’re doing. “It’s this one…no, wait, this one?” And all of a sudden we’re lurching from guess to guess and getting it correct (quickly) becomes the focus instead of knowing how to do it.

How can eye contact be used in this scenario? Simply, I say unto you.

#1 If your child is asking for help on a problem and they want you to look at it or read it to them or take the reigns, don’t. Just look at the paper or the problem or the book. Sometimes you can read it aloud, but don’t always do so and then jump into an explanation of the problem. Just look at it. Act like you’re trying to figure it out (which happens more often than we’d like to admit). Keep looking at it. Look up at your kid for a second. Make a slightly questioning move with your eyebrows and then look back down. Hmmmmm….. The idea behind this is that you’d still like them to be in charge of their own homework. If you ask them a question about the homework and then watch them to wait for an answer…all of a sudden, you’re the one with the answers. You’re the one who has to be happy with the response. Not them.

#2 Once you’ve started working on whatever the “problem” is, keep looking down at it. You can encourage side by side concentration where you both work individually. That way, you’re still modeling that only by studying the problem or beginning to think about it can you ever reach an answer. The answer should not be found in your face. If that’s where they’re looking to gauge their progress, then they’re using their interpersonal skills to read your reactions, not their ______________ (math, spelling, reasoning) skills to come to their own conclusions. Don’t give them too much to look at- mostly meaning your eyes.

Sound doable?

You can use eye contact or the removal of it for many different situations without having to say much if anything.

“Stop doing that” say your eyes

Looking away to indicate that you’re ignoring a behavior that you see

Smiling at your kid

Winking

Surprise!

It’s quiet time

And so many more…

Here’s looking at you kid!