Once upon a time (about 2 weeks ago), I had a visit from a couple of friends who live in DC. We went to lunch. We ate, chatted, laughed and then proceeded to get into a 45 minute discussion of the particulars of self-esteem: what it is (still unsure), how it develops (still unsure) and whether or not any of us were right about any of it. After successfully seeing the lunch crowd at the restaurant dwindle (and entertain the thought of just staying there for dinner as well), we finally decided that we agreed on a few things at least. And we’re still friends, so that’s good news.

When does self-esteem begin to develop? This question is one that I have asked to groups of parents on several occasions. The responses generally vary from when kids learn to walk and talk to their first days of school to adolescence. There is usually the assumption that self-esteem comes when kids can start to recognize and identify feelings of self-pride in their everyday accomplishments. I, of course, hold a different view. Rude, isn’t it? I simply ask the question so that I can yell “Boo-yah!” at everybody when I tell them that they’re wrong. Double rude.

I posit that feelings of “worthiness,” i.e. self-esteem begin to develop from the very beginning. If a baby cries day-in and day-out and no one comes, it sends a message to them that they can’t trust anyone in this big world. They are not worth the time or energy for someone to come and comfort them or change their diaper. They aren’t thinking these things in words of course, but they can internalize them nonetheless. The now infamous neglect found in Romanian orphanages in the 80s and 90s has led to lessened brain development and a continued difficulty to securely attach to other people. While these facts by themselves do not necessarily indicate that every unattended child will have low self-esteem, the orphanage dwellers often face many difficulties even when moved to a loving and supportive environment. Besides being unstimulated and underdeveloped, they have also been taught that they don’t matter, which is a very difficult message to reverse.

In a similar vein, a story on NPR talked about the learning that occurs in utero (When Does Learning Begin?). Fetuses learn to recognize the sound of their mother’s voice before they are born. They can taste foods that their mother eats while in the womb and then show a preference for recognizable flavors after they are born. This does not mean that feelings of self-esteem begin before babies are born, but if they have the ability to learn while they’re cooking, then who knows what else they might pick up.

So, self-esteem might not have a universal definition (though the internet says “a feeling of pride in oneself”…meh) that transcends subconscious feelings and thoughts, but whatever it is, it’s lurking within us from very early in our lives. Figuring out how to nurture it from the beginning is one of life’s mysteries. We can only try, keeping in mind that kids are forming opinions on themselves and their place in the world as soon as, if not before, they enter it.