“Nope!”

“Stop it!”

“Don’t chew with your mouth open.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Stop yelling inside!”

“Don’t hit your brother!”

“Don’t run away from me in the store.”

 

In the parenting class that I teach, we discuss the differences between discipline and punishment. There are plenty of them, but one that we tend to focus on is that discipline teaches kids what to do and punishment teaches them what not to do. When kids receive punishment more often than discipline, they learn to try to avoid being caught rather than learning the “right” thing to do. The same is true for telling kids what they can’t do. It’s not helping them learn what we expect from them. It’s only helping them narrow down an incomprehensible list of possible life decisions, such as not hitting. The only question is, if we tell them not to hit, but don’t tell them how they can express their frustration or anger without force, then we’re leaving them to try to figure it out for themselves.

So let’s turn some of these “don’ts” into “dos.”

“Please chew with your mouth closed.”

“Please wait to talk until your mouth is empty.”

“Use your inside voice instead of yelling.”

“It’s not ok to hit. We should use gentle hands and words instead.”

“I get scared when I don’t know where you are. Please stay with me when we’re in the store.”

 

All of these are now requests and directions instead of deterrents. They may not always be followed on the first or second or even eighth go, but there should be less question that your kids know what you expect of them. If they fail to comply with any of these requests, then you can warn them of a possible consequence. Or on the flip side, you can encourage compliance, like staying with you in a store, by offering a nominal reward in exchange for them staying near you.

Just something to think about when those “nos” and “don’ts” fly so readily from our mouths. Try a “do” instead!