“Here, let me carry that for you. I don’t want you to spill it.”
“Push your cup back from the edge of the table please.”
“Don’t forget to put a lid on your milk.”
“Be careful!!!”

All good suggestions. I’ve written about the “positives” of conflict before, but another aspect of ‘letting’ conflict happen is letting messes happen too.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not a huge fan of messes. I’ve struck a deal with my husband not to go to his side of the bed too often so that he can leave things on the floor without my tripping on them (or getting passive aggressively upset either). I would not encourage a mess if I could help it and yet, that seems to be what I’m advocating today.

How often do we move cups back from the edge of the table? Or discourage a little one’s carrying their own plate to the kitchen because we’re afraid of the mess that will occur? I find myself reminding kids to lean over their bowls or not put their sleeves in their food all the time. And let’s not forget the messes that occur when cooking with a kid or painting with them or playing in the mud. All of which sounds like such a nice idea, but I dread the clean-up, so sometimes I discourage the activity.  So then what am I really endorsing here?

I think it can be summed up as such: Cleaning up the mess can be a lesson in itself. Kids can’t predict the future as well as we can. Adults know that if you put a cup of water too close to the edge of the table, there’s a good chance that it will get knocked over. We try to help kids avoid learning that lesson through experience. We warn them of it to keep it from happening. Well done us. If we can avoid it, then by all means, let’s. But if we can’t, then sometimes knocking the cup over a few times is the best way for the message to get across. Sometimes we just have to watch the whole messy scene just play out in front of us without opening our mouths to warn of impending disaster. <Biting tongue>

One thing we can remind kids of is that if they spill it, they’re going to have to (help) clean it up. Depending on their age, ability and the nature of the mess, kids should be expected to clean up what they’ve spilled, even when it’s an accident. They should at least be a nominal help to an adult who’s cleaning it up. Giving them this little bit of responsibility may work to deter their spillage in the future or it may just allow you to go about your business while they get a towel to mop up their spilled milk. Either way, it helps you give ownership of their cups and plates back to where it belongs: in the hands of the kids.