Last week, I had the fun-fortune to attend a continuing education class (for my social work license) on non-verbal communication. We watched little dialogues and assessed the unspoken messages that were sent. We communicated nonverbally in small groups. We looked at micro expressions and tried to distinguish what whiff of emotion was coming through. It was kind of fun as well as informational. And it got me thinking, as many things do, about how parents can use non-verbal skills with their kids. I’ve written about keeping quiet, but want to take it a step further and actively communicate with kids while being quiet. Impossible? Not with a little practice.

Though I do think about staying quiet with kids, I still wrestle with when to and when not to open my mouth. {Sometimes I even say to a child, “I’ll just close my mouth. Too much talking from me.”} I try to respect their ability to solve problems on their own and to know what steps to take next. I’d rather teach them to do something by themselves than find myself always in the position of telling them what to do next. So, first things first:

#1) If you have explained how to do something or when to do something many times, try not doing that and see what happens.
Don’t ask your child to put their shoes on every time it’s time to leave the house. Just say that it’s time to leave and see what happens. Try to limit your verbal directions to them on things that they know how to do.
Ex. “Don’t forget to clear your plate from the table.”
“We have to hold hands to cross the street.”
“After your bath, you have to brush your teeth.”

#2) Try prompting these known activities with non-verbal cues instead!
When it’s time to cross the street, I simply beat the kids to the curb (though they are now great at waiting on the sidewalk since we’ve practiced this) and then stand with my hands out waiting for them. This has done a couple of great things. First, it’s made me less annoying in this one situation. Yay! Second, it allows the kids to enforce the rules themselves. Since I don’t mention holding hands, sometimes they do. They police each other and have taken more ownership in the activity of safely crossing the street. Awesome! That means that someday they’ll be ready to do it by themselves.

#3) If they need a lesson in your non-verbals, give it to them.
You can do this in everyday situations or during a specific “game” to test their knowledge. Sometimes if I want to guide their behavior in a small way, before saying something, I’ll just look at them. If they don’t seem to get whatever message I’m trying to convey with my body and face, I’ll ask them what my face is telling them. Even if they don’t get it right, this still allows for us to talk about how I’m feeling. Rather than me telling them to stop something this gives them room to figure out what they should be doing instead.

#4) Try praising with your expressions.
Just as with other verbal cues and responses, praise can become something that kids feel like they need. Verbal praise should be used a lot when kids are first getting the hang of something. Yay you! You took some steps by yourself! You put your clothes in the laundry basket all by yourself! Once your child knows how and when to put their clothes in the basket, you naturally don’t praise them for it anymore. You come to expect it instead. So when they’ve got something down and you’re ready to take away your verbal praise, you can scale down your enthusiasm with non-verbal praise. It’s also so much fun to give your kid some “secret” praise or attention when other people are around. Instead of yelling “Great job!” across the playground, you can get their attention and then silently cheer or give them a thumbs up or jump up and down.

So, what is my face telling you? (Besides that I’m a goof…)