I recently completed my first stint as a teacher of parents in the Positive Parenting Program at the Family Tree (which, incidentally, was the beneficiary of the Best of Baltimore party that took place earlier this month). The participants survived, as did I, and by the end of the class we were even sad to see each other go. Most of the anonymous comments that I received were positive, with only one that suggested that anything be enhanced for the future: me knowing more about inner city kids. At first I was a little embarrassed by this suggestion. But I’ve taught in two inner cities! It’s been a little while, but I know something about what kids and parent are facing in cities, don’t I? So I pondered this thought for the next day or two and I came to a realization. It’s not that I don’t vaguely understand the different parenting pressures in inner cities, it’s that I don’t have many ideas on how to parent if outside of your house and your control, your child is facing troublesome situations left and right. I was just avoiding talking about it. If you’re supposed to be good at giving parenting advice and you know very little in a certain area, then it makes sense to remain mum on that subject. Conundrum.

If you don’t want to talk about things that you’re unsure of, then you’ll never learn more to grow in confidence in these areas. We push our kids to explore the unknown all the time, in school and at home. But the comment that I received also translates to an overarching parental question: how do you do your best in situations that are out of your control? You can enforce the rule of “no hitting” when you’re at home with relative ease. How can you enforce it when your child is over at someone else’s house? Or even worse, when your child is getting hit on the playground and there are no adults around to see. What then? Should he hit back to defend himself? If finding an adult to intervene isn’t an option for your child, what should he do? What should you tell him? If your child attends a school that is chaotic or you live in a neighborhood with plenty of poor role models, what are the best things to teach your child for them to not only become a responsible citizen, but also for them to survive?

I think that these hypothetical questions (which aren’t hypothetical to so many parents in the U.S.) are what stumped me. I think that putting all of the responsibility to be good and prosper on the child makes it impossible for them to do so. I remember hearing a teacher speaking with a young girl many years ago when I was first getting my feet wet in the inner city. The girl’s parents were more than irresponsible. It was hard for her to get much sleep because there would be people over at all hours. Needless to say, very little positive care and attention was given to her. The teacher couldn’t change her home life and lack of positive parental involvement, so she took a different tack. She had a good relationship with this student, so she told her that it was up to her to get her homework done no matter what. If she had to do it under the covers with a flashlight every night before going to sleep, then so be it. The teacher couldn’t control some things, but she could use her positive influence over the student to encourage her to succeed. There’s no way that this can work for everyone though (and indeed, it doesn’t!). Shall we tell every child who is being negatively affected by neighbors or peers to simply buck up and do better? No matter that being different (especially “good” different) can make kids targets of bullying and excessive peer pressure.

So, are there no other solutions besides fundamentally changing our societal structure and making sure that all kids value good behavior, good education, politeness, respect and self-discipline? Easier said than done.

I’m still at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with parenting situations outside of my control. The best advice that I could offer was that by building up our kids and making them feel capable and strongly rooted, that they’ll take a coat of armor out into the world with them that will protect them from bad influence. This suggestion still puts a lot of personal responsibility on the child to resist and rise above. I guess that it’s the best I can do for now though.

Perhaps the moral of the story is two-fold: It’s ok not to know what to do or what advice to give. But don’t give up on thinking about it!