I received a question last week about holding on to one’s identity when we become parents. I think that this concern has occurred to most modern parents. There have been books written about taking time for oneself and classes taught on being a well-balanced person so that you can be a well-balanced parent. Every parent has different needs. Being able to meet these needs is an important part of being an effective parent. While it’s often difficult to find time and not feel guilty about doing things for oneself, most parents know that caring for themselves is a good idea. But the question is, how?

Let’s first explore the hypothetical life of a parent who tries to get their emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual needs met only through being a parent. You wake up and meet two grumpy kids. They’re tired and have overslept a little, so the morning is rushed. You want to feel emotionally validated by them, but they are short, a little rude and taciturn. They do not have the capacity to make you feel good about yourself, nor is it their responsibility. Their grumpiness spreads to you. You would like to have some carefree conversation with them in order to flex your “social muscle.” You would love to discuss a current event that has gotten you thinking about life. Or talk more deeply about your fears for their future…with them. None of these needs can truly be met by your kids and if you have the expectation that they should be meeting them, you are probably disappointed on a regular basis. If this is the system that’s in place, then changing it is going to be a difficult thing. But just as we ask our children to change and grow, we must expect the same from ourselves.

So, you’ve made the decision that you do value yourself and that you want to hold on to interests outside of your family and your children. It might cause you a bit more up front logistical stress, but should pay off in the long run. Here are some ideas on how to accomplish this:

#1 Rely on your partner, spouse, close family member or friend.
While it’s nice to spend time all together as a family, not every weekend has to be Mom, Dad & the two kids together all the time. Leave the kids at home with Dad while you go for a run, or a drink with friends, or a quiet sit somewhere. Besides giving you time off, it will allow your kids to spend some quality time with another caring adult. Maybe you don’t trust others with your kids very much. Maybe it’s time to change that.

#2 Hire a babysitter.
Babysitters don’t just have to come over for date nights. They can also come when you’re at choir practice or book club. This involves planning ahead, but what parent doesn’t have to do that? Reserve them in advance even if you haven’t figured out what you’re going to do yet. Give yourself some freedom.

#3 Incorporate your child into your interests.
They might not be old enough to play on the softball team with you, but they can come and cheer or blow off some steam running around the outfield (between innings of course). Bring them on that bike ride with you. Show them how to play darts. Letting them know that you like to do things other than hang out with them shows them that you’re a person too, not just their parent.

#4 Steal time for yourself when they’re around.
Give yourself 15 minutes to read while they’re playing in the backyard. Chat on the phone to your friend for 10 minutes while they’re having a snack. Work on your knitting while they play on the computer. You don’t have to be involved in all of their activities all the time. Allowing them some time to find and cultivate their own interests gives you time for yours!

If you respect your own person and your own needs, your kids are more likely to respect them too. They’ll have a role model who values him or herself and their individual interests.

I know that this is easier said than done when so many responsibilities and cares surround us on a daily basis, but if you take some time for yourself, you should be more ready to give time to your kids when you return from bowling or the middle of your book.