The “modern parenting” landscape is awash with advice, tell-alls, no-nos, craft ideas and stories of real life. Two weeks ago another look at a modern parent garnered a lot of buzz and a lot of scrutiny. Dara-Lynn Weiss wrote a piece for Vogue about the year long weight-loss plan/diet that she put her 7-year old daughter on. This piece has received so much attention (almost all of it negative), that it got me thinking about criticism and judgment, of both parents and kids.

So, have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help calm the child down. What’s the matter with that parent? Why aren’t they trying to get the kid quiet?
2.) You’re in a store where a kid is screaming and crying. The parent is also yelling and being forceful with their child. What’s the matter with that parent? Don’t they know that yelling won’t solve the problem?
3.) You’re in a store where a kid is running around willy nilly. The parent is asking them to stop and quiet down. The child doesn’t seem to be listening. What’s that matter with that parent? Why aren’t they making their kid listen to them?

Or have these thoughts ever occurred to you?

1.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to ignore their outburst as a way of dealing with it. But while you do this, you’re sweating and feeling that you should be able to control your child better than this. Bad Parent!
2.) You’re in a store where your kid is screaming and crying. You’re trying to subdue them with the methods that you normally use, but things aren’t going well. You’re starting to lose your temper. Oh no! Bad Parent!
3.) You’re in a store where your kid is running around willy nilly. They have a lot of excess energy and you want them to be able to get out some of their wiggles before you head to the library. But you feel that they should be listening better. What to do next? Bad Parent!

Parents today can be in the dangerous and isolating position of feeling judged by passers-by, family, friends and themselves. Feeling judged is one of the things that people are supposed to be impervious to once they become parents. The familiar motto is something like, “If it’s in the best interest of my kids, then I don’t care what others think.” {Incidentally, the phrase “best interests of the child” indicates the factors taken into consideration by the courts when making decisions in child welfare cases.} I myself have encouraged parents to follow their own internal voices and try to ignore looks from people in public while they discipline or attempt to calm their children. It’s not an easy feat. Feeling judged by yourself for some sort of parental “ineptitude” is another very real danger.

I would argue that the responsibility of overcoming feelings of judgment (both from internal and external sources) does not rest solely on the parents. As we (members of society) continue the cycle of thinking that we know what’s best for other people’s children, we will continue to judge those people for not acting in different ways. And parents will continue to judge themselves as well.

The same website that first called foul on Dara-Lynn Weiss has also published an admonition of those of us who are “shaming” Ms. Weiss with our criticism. It rightly points out that the criticism that is being flung at Ms. Weiss can be equated to the criticism that she doled out to her daughter while trying to change her eating habits. If we (adults!) continue to judge parents so harshly and so loudly for their “failings”, then what messages are we passing on to their kids and ours? Is the moral of the story that judging others is simply our right or responsibility? If so, then we will only be encouraging that behavior in our children as they grow and become more vocal; teaching them to use their newfound voices to criticise.
It’s difficult to stop yourself from judging others, but if you find yourself in a store with a screaming child nearby (be it yours or someone else’s) TRY to restrain yourself. If not for the parents or yourself, then do it for the kids.