The age-old argument pitting nature and nurture against each other as opposites is, for my taste, too dichotomous. As almost every rational person will tell you, you cannot choose solely to parent as a “naturist” or a “nurturer” when raising children. Instead parents are faced with the question of when they should allow nature (or natural consequences) to direct behavior and when they should step in to guide, enforce rules, etc.  Should I interfere or should I see how it plays out?

 If two kids are playing in the basement and one starts to cry, what should the immediate response be? I know that there are other questions that would be asked of me if I were not simply typing this into outer space, like: How old are the kids? How often does one or the other start to cry? Do they play well together? Are there things in the basement that might hurt a child? What kind of cry is it? All valid questions. But as often happens, parents or caregivers might not know the answers to all of these questions.

So instead, as a caregiver, I find myself hovering at the top of the stairs, out of sight, but listening to see what happens next. Maybe it was a cry of frustration and the child rights herself quickly. Maybe it was a little hurt, a trip or a bump and the child can either shake it off or magically, their companion comforts them. Maybe it was an “I’m bleeding and scared!!!!” cry. Whatever the problem is, it is generally tricky to stop oneself from reacting right away.

Being too quick to respond can lead to problems for kids. If they don’t know how to negotiate a solution to everyday problems (i.e. arguing over a toy) without an adult stepping in to help, then their ability to a) cope with disappointment when they don’t get the toy & b) express themselves to get what they want may be impeded. If the natural consequence to their crying does not include getting the toy from the other child, then perhaps they will begin to learn that crying for things doesn’t get them for you. It might be a noisy and anxiety provoking lesson for parents, but it could be useful for the kid.

On the other side of the coin, allowing children to do as they please or take care of themselves from too young an age are very “naturist” ways of parenting. Without bedtimes, structured meals, house rules and expectations, parents are asking for another series of problems. Maybe your child is very good at negotiating with other kids and with you because they’ve been given too much practice at having control over their environment. They can talk you out of making them go to bed on time. Or they can simply distract you until their bedtime is long past.

Parenting is about walking the line in between these two “choices.” Kids need guidance, structure and discipline. But they also need to be able to explore on their own, pick themselves up when they fall and have a sense of individuality. It’s not always easy to decide what response you should give, so try to act proportionally. Walk the line & try to keep your balance.