I was recently reading an article about kids that mentioned a book by a psychiatrist named Dr. Gordon Livingston. In Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, Dr. Livingston lays out “30 true things you need to know now.”

One thing that I need to know now (and that others most likely do too) is #3: It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place. Have you ever tried to reason a kid out of a) wanting something, b) a bad mood, c) a temper tantrum, d) all of the above?

Many parents believe that they should empower their kids to make their own choices, learn to see the error of their ways and use their natural smarts to see the best solution or behavior needed to solve a problem. While these goals are admirable and seemingly progressive, they need to be tempered in order for them to be successful. Reasons for or against doing something are good to spell out for kids. But as kids are so good at doing, they draw out the conversation with “why?” and “why not?”

Child: Mama, can I have a snack?

-It’s 5:15. Dinner will be on the table very shortly. You’re in the process of making it.-

Mother: It’s almost dinnertime, so I’d like you to wait to eat until then.

Child: But why mama? I’m hungry now!

Mother: If I give you a snack now dear you won’t be hungry for your dinner.

Child: Yes I will!

Mother: Yesterday you had a snack just before dinner and then you didn’t eat your dinner, remember?

Child: But I’m hungry!!!! I want a snack! <starts to whine and cry>

Mother: I don’t want you to ruin your appetite.

Child: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Mother: But I just told you why you couldn’t my dear. Snacks before dinner fill up your belly.

Child: <yelling> Just one cookie!!!!

-At this point, the pot on the stove is boiling over, the table isn’t set and you can hear your other child starting to cry in the other room.-

Mother: Fine! One cookie!

Maybe you’re thinking that you wouldn’t have given in so fast or maybe you’re thinking that this happened only yesterday. It clearly wasn’t a fair fight. You were trying to use logic and reasoning to make your kid understand why he couldn’t have a cookie and he was not using logic and reasoning to get you to say yes. Explanations have their place with people whose brains are pretty well formed. When you’re talking to a young child who is in the throws of some emotional upheaval, reasoning isn’t going to make them snap out of it. Have you ever explained something to an upset child and had them respond with “Aha! Now I get it! Thanks for telling me why I couldn’t stay up later. I totally understand!” Never.

Since young kids are still making choices based on immediacy and wants/needs, they’re not using logic to help them decide their paths. It’s pretty silly of us, as adults, to use logic on them in return.

So do yourself a favor. Don’t get in to a lengthy discussion with a 3 year old about the whys and wherefores of going to bed on time or the importance of taking a bath. Don’t ask questions about whether or not they want to be smelly the next day because they probably won’t answer the way you want (meaning with any reasoning behind their “Yes, I want to be smelly!”). Keep things simple. Use logic, but don’t try to justify why you’re asking them or telling them to do something. You have to walk a fine line between “Washing hands after you use the potty is necessary because it kills the bad germs on your hands” & ” Because I said so!” Repetition and forming habits are more important than the whys of their habits.

So, stop debating. Have discussions with people your own age. And remember that just because they look like a little version of you doesn’t mean that they are built to accept all of the logic that you want to impart to them. Don’t talk until you’re blue in the face.