I hear this in many forms on any given day.

“Help me!”

“I could use a little help over here.”

“Raaaahhhhh!” (frustrated! and asking for help)

It’s really easy to step in and help a child with something that is relatively easy for you and a bit tricky for them. It can bring a moment of good feeling after they thank us and return to happily playing. It’s nice to feel needed too. Or to show how much you know. “The kids will be so impressed if I can answer this totally far out question that they have.” A thought I am guilty of thinking sometimes. All of these things are really nice for adults to feel but they don’t necessarily help children learn to help themselves. When children learn to seek out answers and try to solve problems on their own, it can lead to other great things, like…growing self-esteem!, self confidence!, perseverance!, and self reliance! Things that every parent wants for their child, maybe even more than the feeling that they, as a parent, are needed.

So, what are some ways of not helping your child, while also actually helping them? Well, let me tell you.

According to Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will, stepping back from immediately aiding your child is all a part of helping him or her build autonomy. They are people, different from us, whether we like it or not. They list about a dozen steps that parents can take (and not take) to help their children become their own people.

1. Let kids make choices!– one of my favorites. I have found that when a kid has dug in their heels, giving them two choices that both lead to the same eventual result is a wonderful way to get them moving again. They have control over their lives! At least a little. And who doesn’t want that?!

2. Show respect for their struggles– if we belittle their trials by calling them “easy” (imagine saying to a one-year old just learning to walk that going up and down steps is easy), then they hear that they can’t accomplish this easy thing. I don’t know about you, but if it’s so easy, why can’t I do it?!

3. Don’t ask too many questions– when we act as though every part of their business is our business also, doesn’t that kind of blur the lines of kids’ own experiences belonging to them? They’ll tell you what they want to tell you.

4. Don’t rush to answer questions– another of my favorites! “Lava comes out of a volcano, right?” “Why do you have to put money in the parking meter?” “Where are my shoes?” All of these questions can lead to pretty cool conversations. You don’t believe me? In the first two cases, the kids have probably thought about the answers to the questions. In the last case, they’d like you to solve their problem for them. If they are empowered by our reticence to figure things out on their own, or at least meet us in the middle, just imagine how they’ll be feeling and the praise that you can heap on them.

5. Don’t talk about a child in front of him or her– it can make them seem like an object & certainly as belonging to the parent. They’re not our possessions.

6. Let child answer for himself– I like this one a lot too. Sometimes I find myself repeating questions I’ve asked of my brother because one of my parents has answered for him. So I try to keep my aim and keep my eyes on him and ask him again in order to let him know that I wanted to hear what he had to say about his own life. This one is tricky when a parent is worried about impoliteness if the child doesn’t answer a question posed by another adult. But really, if an adult asks a child a question (especially if they don’t know the kid all that well), they should be prepared for a silent stare or no answer at all.

There are more, but these are the most salient for me right now. Hope you like them. I sure did!