I ask this question of kids sometimes after they have thrown a big fit or tantrum or even if they’ve gotten hurt and are still recovering from it. While they might not be able to tell me how they were feeling or how they’re feeling now, they can usually compare the upsetness to the non-upsetness and can tell me that yes, they are feeling better. This even works with a young lady I know who doesn’t talk very much. She will sometimes get very upset, crying and yelling, etc., but when she’s a little calmer, I’ll ask her if she’s feeling better and she will invariably answer me in the affirmative.

Recently, a young man I know was having a hard time leaving the house. He was crying and digging his heels quite a bit. He had an appointment though, so there was nothing for it but to try to help him calm down and then eventually escort him out to the car while he was still upset. I suggested that he take some deep breaths to help him get calmer and he yelled that he wasn’t going to calm down! I then asked him how being upset was making him feel, noting that if he continued to be upset, that was fine, but he was the one feeling the effects of it. I was still going to be calm and feeling ok even if he wasn’t going to be. He stopped crying. I put him in the car. He buckled himself up. After a minute of getting settled and him no longer being upset, I asked the inevitable question. “Are you feeling better?” The answer was yes.

While the lesson may still be a long time in coming, I think that this was the beginning of his understanding that not only does getting upset about something generally not get what you want, it also generally effects you, personally, the most and the worst. That little pause in his crying welcomed him back to the world showed me that he thought about it for a moment. “I am the only one visibly upset. It is giving me a headache or making me feel bad. I could stop it and I might feel better.” It might be a stretch to attribute all of these thoughts to him, but one can hope.

So, are you feeling better?