While I am not 26, my brother very recently reached that ripe old age. We spent the weekend with him and my parents to celebrate his birthday and spend some time together as a family. They live out of state, so we don’t see them all too often and when we do, it generally involves a lot of togetherness time.

My brother is developmentally disabled and while he seems pretty old and should therefore be pretty capable, he is not. He gets angry over small things, obsesses on equally small things and has trouble expressing his feelings in appropriate ways. Some of these behaviors were seen this weekend, as just a few hours spent with him will make them difficult to avoid.

I try my best not to interfere too much in the systems that my parents have in place since they spend time with him day in and day out, but occasionally, a correction from me is called for. This weekend I found the theme of these to be that I needed to provide my brother with the words to express what he wanted before or even during a small temper tantrum so that his feelings of frustration could be alleviated. I also often find myself doing this with a young friend of mine (a 3 year old). They both want something. Sometimes it is clear to you without them telling you and sometimes it is not, but when they feel themselves being thwarted from getting it (even if it is something that they would be allowed to have), their immediate reactions involve a bit of yelling, sometimes crying and general incoherence. In these cases, I try to begin sentences for both of them that would help them get what they want. “Katie, can I please…?” And amazingly enough, when you open your mouth to speak rather than to cry or grumble, you get more of what you want than if you tried it the other way.

Candy, please!